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female
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*earpaula
writes: HiI am a woman who is happily married to a wonderful man. we have two great daughters. The problem is that some time ago before i met my husband (17 yrs)i was travelling and lived on a kibbutz in Israel. Whilst there i met a truly fantastic man, he was turkish and we very quickly fell in love. we moved in together and he proposed. I went to Turkey to meet his family and thats where things went wrong. I was young and naive and would not make any compromises as to where we would eventually live. He wanted me to live in Turkey, my family didnt want that. To cut a long story short we broke up. I was heart broken i never stopped thinking about him ever. It was only a matter of weeks before i met my husband. I grew to love him over time. In feb this yr my ex fiance found me on an internet site (after 17 yrs) and we have been chatting every day since. He still loves me and i still love him. He is also married with a daughter. He wants to meet up with me and i dont know what to do. We have seen each other on the webcam and the chemistry we had is still there. I dont know if it is such a good idea to do this. I have never been unfaithful. I wish i felt more guilty than i do and he feels the same.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): Dearpaula, have a look at the following question on this forum: "I gave it all to the affair and now I am left with nothing.......can you help?"
Here is someone who went for it (the affair) and ended up utterly alone. His story could become your reality.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): I'm respondent 7. Your response indicates that you really haven't gotten yourself out of the feedback loop inside your mind where all you want to do is be with a ghost from your past. Remember why you broke up... you chose not to live with him in Turkey. Don't blame it on your family and don't assign responsibility for this decision to anyone else but yourself!You made a choice to marry someone whom you don't adore. If you adored your husband, your Turkish delight wouldn't seem tasty at all right now. Every choice has its consequences. You have yet to make the most important choice of your marriage. If you need to make a list of pros and cons to see it before your eyes, then do it before you make a decision based on the things that are missing in your marriage.In the end, if you choose your ghost, be prepared to be very lonely. Don't assume that your daughters will forgive you for destroying their sanctuary. Don't assume that your support system will be there for you. Don't assume that you would even want to go to your support system from sheer embarrassment. Don't even assume that your man from Turkey will be your man.One final question: If you two did choose to meet, ask him to meet you close to where you live. How do you think he would respond?
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female
reader, Dearpaula +, writes (28 April 2006):
Dearpaula is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou so much for all the advice that I have been given, its very helpful. I know what I have with my husband is good but sometimes things are not so black and white. What I have with my ex was very special and he was definately the love of my life, not just a passing phase or a young lustful relationship. It is far deeper than that. Its not about lust its about love, and perhaps I am blinded by that right now. I feel as though Im walking on sunshine. I know its wrong and so does he believe me. I am going to seriously consider what you have said to me. thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): Seems like you and your Turkish delight are contemplating the mid-life fling. Since you haven't done irreparable damage to your marriage (yet), there is time for you to engage in some serious reflection. I recommend you invest some hours contemplating the reasons why you said yes when your husband proposed, and the foundation upon which your marriage is built. If you can come up with answers that relieve your conscience, then you've passed this test of your marriage. Otherwise your marriage is in deep trouble. Your flirtation with your old flame probably indicates that you are missing something in your marriage, and you believe that your old flame can provide it. Are you going to let what's missing destroy your marriage? You're not there yet, but if you can't figure out a way to be satisfied with all the good things you have going for you right now, you will find yourself utterly alone in this world. It's unlikely you and your old flame would survive a relationship. You both are cultivating fantasies in which everything in your life works out perfectly. If you end your marriages, you will find that reality is far from perfect.I am coming through a test of my own marriage. While I have done nothing to jeopardize it, I am going to be spending some time healing because I recently realized what I was missing. I have found it in someone else but I will not step over that boundary and into an abyss of loneliness. To pursue that one missing thing, I would have to give up many great things that I already have. It sounds to me like you have something really good going on in your marriage. Please consider what I have said. I'm living your struggle, but I have decided that the fall is too far and the landing would be disastrous.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 I agree with the others. You're playing with fire. Irish49 summed it all up perfectly. Think about all the good things you have now, not what you might have through this fantasy. Remember, if your love was so strong, it would have passed the test 17 years ago when it was red hot. Perhaps and probably, you're a little bored or complacent in your marriage. This is common, expected and normal. Being with the same person for so long can become mundane. It's also to be admired because what you build over those years is much more than attraction. It's trust, loyalty, memories, hopes and dreams. Those things all have meanings. I've been through a period before where I had many questions about my marriage, life etc. I'm 43. I think some of it has to do with mid life. Questioning things and taking stock of what you've done or whatyou've missed out on. The important thing is to stay on track.
You say you love your husband. So, just love him. As partners in relationships, we would never stand a chance if we had to battle all the what if's and could have beens. If this other guy hadn't tracked you down and planted this seed, you wouldn't be having this problem.
There is always going to be someone else who is better lookng, mysterious and many other attractive things. You will find yourself attracted to others too. But an attraction can't compare with history and accomplishments with your husband. Attractions are what bring us together. Hard work is what keeps us together. If it wasn't that way, we'd leave our partners every time we met somebody else who interested us.
Don't take the bait on this one. Temptations are out there. It's a seductive scenario. It's also morally wrong. Be strong and focus on what you have. If you gave everything up for this other guy and it sisn't work out, you'd be begging to be back with you family.
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 Listen honey, you say that you broke up with this Turkish guy and in a matter of weeks you met your present partner and grew to love himover time, there is the problem. Madam, you clearly dont have that spark with your current husband, if you were that devastated over the break up with the Turkish guy you should have remained single, but instead you met this guy and grew to love him, I dont believe you grow to love someone, either you love them or you dont. Yes, we say our love grows stronger, but the love must be there in the first place, and I think you still had and still do as you have said have feelings (love) for the Turkish man. If you meet up with him, that will only cause more problems, do you really want that. You went into the relationship with your present husband too soon, and as a result, you obviously dont feel as strongly for him as perhaps you would like to. Please, dont jeopardise your marriage, use wisdom, not chemistry. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): My dear...as you see from the other excellent answers on this page, no one here thinks it's a good idea for you to go ahead and ignore your wedding vows to pursue a love affair with this old bf from Turkey. Your marriage is being put to a test and I hope you pass with flying colors, hun. Think long and hard because this is where your commitment and your character come into focus and become major players in the life of your marriage and the happiness of your daughters. This is just not about 'your' feelings, your happiness, anymore and I think you know this or else you wouldn't have posted your dilemma. I respect that you seeking advice but I don't respect what you are proposing to do to the very people who love and cherish you. You are risking sooo much and you will pay a high emotional price in the end.
I think the right thing to do, is end your love affair with this man. I am sure you will be hurt, but time will heal your pain. You state you are happily married so I have to assume there is, respect, trust, solidarity and a deep bond with your husband. I am sure you'll agree when I say, it's vitally important for children to be raised with both their parents if possible. Many women become infatuated and 'believe' they are in love with another, while married. This happens because marriage takes hard work/huge efforts and married couples become complacent..sometimes bored and lazy with each other. But many work through that, they stay committed. You loved this guy from Turkey 17 years ago...leave it there-in the past. Get through this and perhaps realize you are having a physical response to the excitement you feel around this old bf. Get that in perspective, dear.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 If you decide to dissolve your marriage to be with this guy would you be willing to move to Turkey? You might lose custody of your daughters as well, could you handle that? Is he willing to divorce his wife? All of this sounds way to risky, I'd just stop communicating with him and let the past stay in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): How would it make you feel to loose your husband and break his heart? How would you feel knowing your children saw you as breaking up their family? Do you think they would forgive you?How would you feel breaking up his marriage?If you ended up being with this man, how would you feel about living in Turkey now? Could you bare to leave your children behind?You might enjoy being with this Turkish guy but I'd bet you'd feel even better getting him out of your life and concentrating on making your marriage with your loving husband work. The feeling of being faithful through temptations is one of the best ever. Put everything you can in to your marriage because from what you've said, you seem to have a good one.
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female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (27 April 2006):
 This is a difficult situation, but you need to figure out if what you are feeling now is really love for this old flame, or just rosy and idealised memories from your time together long ago.
Seventeen years is a long time, and whilst you say the chemistry is still there, both of you are bound to be very different people than the young lovers you were. You say you love your husband and your marriage is happy, and that your old flame is also married. Do you want to destroy two marriages just to find out if the two of you could have something together? Remember, there are no guaruntees that things would actually work out with your lost love, who knows if the two of you would have actually lasted had you not broken up.
My advice to you would be to concentrate on what you have, not what you might have had.
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