A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My first relationship seems to have scarred me in a lot of ways. At first I thought I was just weird but now that I am in another relationship I am scared by how much it is effecting mine and my boyfriend's life.Our sex life is so boring. With the first guy I dated I was willing to try everything. However, now I find myself panicking if my current boyfriend so much as turns me around. I know that I am scared that I will be used like my previous relationship. It is embarassing because I was never raped and I know people have gone through worse and are much stronger. My ex would say things like "the only time I care about you is when I'm fucking you" and if I said I didn't want to he would hand be alcohol or a joint and he wouldn't stop if I was crying. He wouldn't look at me while we were having sex and he always wanted to turn me around. He broke up with me (i was 15 at the time) and kept me around as a friend while telling me about other girls, soon he started having sex with me, and i was so young i thought it meant he loved me again, but I found out that is not what was meant by it. If I told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him he would say "then what the fuck are you doing here?" I know this is all my fault. Mind you, it didn't start out the way I described it. It started out with him being extremely nice to me (He later said that he was lying, he just wanted to fuck me). There was about a year of him being nice and two years of the emotional abuse. I know that I let him treat me that way, but I was fifteen years old when I started dating him and I thought that I was in love. My dad found out that I was having sex (as well as drinking and smoking) and the conversation escalated so that he eventually chased me into my bathroom and called me a "fucking whore" I'm 21 now, and sex is such a scary thing for me. I don't want to be boring. I want to please my boyfriend. I freak out if there's any hint that it is "just sex"... if he doesn't look at me, if he gets too rough... I just sort of freeze, I feel outside of myself, and I either end up crying or I just blankly stare until he is done. Sex in general disgusts me now and I really hate that I can't have a good sexual life and give my boyfriend the pleasure that I want to. I don't know if it's a mix of guilt or pain or what it is, I have no idea and I've tried really hard to figure it out. Is there anything I can do to help myself become more open?
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I think u need reassurance from ur bf that he has good intention. You need hugs kisses n passionate intimacy so u feel safe n secure. Id talk to a counselor if needed as this is serious it seems. Sex at a young age proves difficult for some since our hormones talk the most n not our minds. Its good u have recognized ur past mistakes so u can learn. Good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I am going to agree with the other answers here. There is a lot going on in your post.
If I were you, I'd highly encourage you to find a therapist or other trained professional -- TODAY. What you experienced is traumatic and life altering. You resorted to using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of what you went through and I think you are suffering a lot of emotional guilt and low self-esteem issues.
By talking to someone I think you can unload a lot of the hurt you are feeling. You'll eventually come to realize that you were taken advantage of by someone who was emotionally manipulating you. Were you raped? Technically no, but I do think you were operating against your better judgement and the hurt and pain you are feeling is very similar to what a rape victim might feel like and I don't think you've totally realized that yet. You just know what you are experiencing hurts.
You are too young to have this burden hanging over you. Not being interested in sex and feeling obligated to satisfy your boyfriend even though you aren't interested indicates to me you may be setting yourself up for a repeat experience.
Again, seek help -- the sooner the better.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus. You were in an abusive relationship and that is why you are frightened being touched by men (your dad also sounds like a sexist prick). You need to go talk to a counselor to work through this, you can't get the help you need from here.
You can talk to trained counselors either via phone or IM at rainn.org. Please take care of yourself. You should let your boyfriend know about this if you feel comfortable so that hopefully he will better understand why he can't push you on this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I hate to break it to you OP but you were raped. There are no states in your country where it is legal to have sex with a 15 year old and your experiences of it sound like there was more than one sexual assault in there too OP. If you wanted him to stop and he didn't that's rape and plying you with drugs and alcohol to get sex at 15, OP that too is rape.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad OP but I say this because you need to go get some professional help for this.
He may never have physically pinned you down and raped you like in a movie but the emotional effects of your experiences are going to be very similar. You need some professional help to deal with this situation OP.
As far as having a "regular" sex life that's kind of the best chance you have.
You're going to have go to your local rape crisis centre or call them on the phone and seek some help.
There is quite literally nothing we can tell you that is going to help you feel more open, the best I can tell is it can be done I've had relationships with abuse/rape victims and I never minded being patient with them and helping them get more comfortable being sexual with me and in time they did open up. But there were always some things they needed and some things they couldn't tolerate during sex and we just figured out those things together and never did them.
OP the difference with your new boyfriend is you get to tell him what he has to do. If you need eye contact tell him, if he gets too rough slow him down. Sex is a mutual thing, believe it or not most of us guys do not want you to just lie there and take it, sex is about being with you in a loving moment. You have to communicate your needs. One of my ex's could only have it rough, when she was raped it wasn't some vicious thing like you see in movies the guy was really gentle, so she didn't like sex like that anymore.
Just let him know how you need it, there are a million ways to have sex OP, if he knows what you need he'll do it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 Your ex sounds like he is angry with women and taking out on them. He needs a release and is angry about his dependency on women for that. People like that are misogynists and can't ever love women. That doesn't mean you have to adopt the attitude that sex is disgusting. It can also be joyful and lighthearted. Don't be hard on yourself. The thing you experienced with your ex was as bad as rape. I don't know if your boyfriend could handle you telling him about your ex. You don't have supportive parents either. Always remember that your boyfriend is not your ex. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy slow love making. Missionary can also be fun. Have him go down on you. You should focus on other areas in the relationship besides sex so that you can develop trust in your boyfriend. See if your boyfriend cares about you, more than just your body. Whenever you suspect your boyfriend is using you just direct yourself to more positive thoughts of how nice he is treating you. Also think about your positive qualities and why your boyfriend needs you. Your feminine core is very valuable. Don't give it away until you know the guy is worth it.
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