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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I get over - fast - my first ex boyfriend, who was also my first love, and I thought I was going to be with him forever?I made mistakes. Well, that's why he broke up with me. He blames me for having ruined a perfect relationship, because I broke his trust. I didn't cheat, not at all. I lied. And he dumped me. For good, I think.He mistreated me though. He still does, if he contacts me, he'll be sweet at the beginning then he turns bitter and insults me and makes me cry, and gets annoyed if I cry.He wanted to marry me. He though I was the love of his life, and I thought he was mine. Even though during the relationship he called me names and got very angry about small things (like if I didn't remember a certain detail from a conversation), and held it against me, for well, the whole relationship.I feel awful because my mistakes made me lose a guy I love. I kinda hate myself know for not knowing any better.We broke up a week ago. This is my first break up, and don't know how to get over him fast! He hates me. He doesn't wanna know anything about me. I crave him. How can I get over him? We were together for a year and 8 months. Also, his birthday is coming in a few weeks, should I text him that day, or not?
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female
reader, kittikat  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Unfortunately, you really can't do it "fast". It took time for you to develop that relationship to the point of talking about marriage- that's pretty deep. It could take a long time to heal and nothing that anyone here could say is guaranteed to help you "get over him". Why get over him? Cherish the good times, learn from the bad and just think of it all as learning about YOU.
I absolutely LOVED what Aeval said about "first loves" and why we call them that. It's a profound statement. Think about it long and hard- If you didn't have this first relationship, you wouldn't know what you want out of life when you're older. I don't ever regret the broken hearts and pain that I've endured over the years because it has helped me "weed", for the lack of a better term, through numerous potentially dangerous/unhealthy relationships. I know what I want and what I don't want out of a partner, because I feel like I've seen it all sometimes and now I know ME, the real ME.
Those feelings of craving and obsession (yah, I said it, we all do it) are enough to make you feel like a madwoman, I know. It's the rejection. Especially because he's probably a huge ass, you're thinking "why wouldn't HE want ME" By him saying what he's said to you, of course you're going to feel like a bad person. No matter how beautiful you felt the day before, now he doesn't want you and you just want to feel good again. It's normal and you'll likely feel it again with someone else. It's a gloomy thought, but again, it's all a learning process. Next time, you'll be a little older and wiser and you'll handle it differently-hopefully better than the last.
I think that Aeval hit the nail on the head about your boyfriend. I don't know what you did, but it sounds like he's a jerk. He wants to make you grovel, suffer and feel like crap because somehow he thinks it'll make him feel better. Not really a nice guy, pretty self-centered and personality-disorderish.
Think about this: If you cared so much for someone one day, how could you hate them the next? I'm sure he doesn't hate you, but if he's making you feel that way then what's the difference? You want to marry someone, but because of a human mistake- you call them names and yell- drag them through the dirt, refusing to talk to them? Just cast you to the side because you did something "wrong"? I'm sure you don't want to live a life with someone like that. If you guys got back together, he would use whatever this "mistake" is to control and keep you down for the duration of your relationship because he's obviously not willing to own up to his part in it all. There are very rarely "innocent" sides when relationships fall apart. Seriously, you would spend a lot of time feeling like you don't deserve him treating you as well as he does, or that you don't have a say in this or that, or that you don't deserve his respect simply because you fucked up and he was gracious enough to take you back. Long sentence, but I think you can see my point :-) It seems like his personality based on the history you mentioned. I'm thinking that you should count your blessings to be free from this narrow-minded potential abuser and be thankful of all the other wonderful men that are out there. You've got so much to look forward to!
Take some time for YOU and mourn if you must, but don't blame yourself, it takes two to work a relationship- we all make mistakes and learn from them. Sounds like he didn't want to put the work in. That's his bad, because he's losing an awesome girl because of it. You have to forgive yourself and be accountable for your "mistake". Not for him, forget him, but for you. You deserve to forgive yourself and love yourself because no one else will unless you do first. Sorry, a little AA logic, but it does apply.
Just don't do what most of us have done and jump in bed with the first idiot at the bar or club who gives you some attention. You just long for that "wanted" feeling again because the X doesn't anymore. It's a scary world out there and you may end up in a situation you don't want. Like, another manipulative boyfriend... My heart goes out to you, this is tough but it gets better.
A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 First loves are always hard to pass... but that is why we call them "first" because there will be a second and a third...and maybe more, things seem hard now, the only thing you can really do is feel sad. Let yourself feel sad for a week or two. Then start doing things that make YOU happy. Going out with friends ect, put everything that reminds you of him in a box and put it away. Start to focus on yourself and time will heal the rest. I know you must want this awful feeling t end now, I hate to say this but its really a case of time..
He didn't really sound liike a great boyfriend, sounds like he was a bit nasty and controling. I think in time you will be thankful you got away!
I wish you all the best, good luck!
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