A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I can't decide whether I want one of my fiance's best friends to come to our wedding. We are having a very small wedding - basically just family and very few friends due to cost and the fact that it is going to be a very informal wedding (no big reception after, just going to a restaurant). Now the reason I'm not sure I want her to come is because they used to sleep together. He has even cheated with her on 1 or 2 of his exes (doesn't make me thrilled, but his ex did cheat on him first and his exes basically never had sex with him). And he has changed a lot since then (used to be a huge flirt, not anymore, etc etc). I can see how much he loves me and is devoted to me (otherwise we wouldn't be getting married). Still, this is sort of an insecure sore spot with me. I haven't had much of a chance to get to know her - don't live too close by. The one time we did spend together, she seems pretty nice except for the fact that she sometimes seemed to try and exclude me by talking in a different language to him. They are both perfectly bilingual, so it'd be just as easy to speak in english, which I can understand. Then, a while later she called our house and left a message on our answering machine completely in french when our "leave a message, we'll get back to you" is completely in english. I found it a bit rude, and fiance finally started to admit that he finds it kind of weird and thinks she is playing power games/being possessive. On the phone, she would keep trying to turn it to french when he kept it entirely english. When he asked her to leave messages in english to be considerate of me, she laughed it off and said that the message was for him. But then I think she did say she would try.She did send us a very nice email wishing us well for our wedding, and also said something about having to bring herself to accept that she isn't losing him. She did say that she'd like to get to know me and be friends as well.So now that our wedding is coming up, I still can't decide whether or not to invite her. She wants to come. He would like it if she is there, but is fine if she is not. He understands my reservations and completely supports whatever decision I make. I really have no idea how she will act. I'm afraid that she will do/say something that upsets/annoys me like before, which I really don't want on my special day.
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best friend, fiance, flirt, his ex, insecure, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Original I would say, invite her and stick her in the back, even though she's badly behaved and rude... (using French to exclude you is so silly and petty)
But now you got a perfect excuse, the wedding is much too small for her to come.. Give your guy his friends list and his invitations, leave it up to him, he can invite her and leave someone else at home, or he can not invite her and he'll have to do the explaining. You just concentrate on family and what friends mean the most to you. If you start deciding which of his friends are good enough then you'll get yourself in trouble, and he'll blame you for years.
Already your letting this woman give you headache.. it's not worth it. Leave the problem to your boyfriend, and you go do something else. I can see why you don't like her, but she aint around enough to bother you, and on your wedding day you'll be far to busy to bother with her for one minute, whether you invite her or not.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Yeah, I've changed my mind on it also, don't invite her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone, thanks for all the advice! I have seen My best friend's wedding a long time ago, and goodness, I hope that our situation is not like that.
I had a few things to add. The decision would be a lot easier to make if things were different. If we were having our originally planned wedding of family + friends, she would have been invited and there would have been 60+ people there. Now, because of the changed wedding plans, it turned into family (lots of whom can't make it due to short notice but were invited out of courtesy) and pretty much 1-2 friends each. It actually was originally 1 friend each. And we are also trying to make it easier by inviting friends that know our family so that everyone knows someone (other than us) and won't be stuck by themselves.
It probably also would be easier to just invite her if she had actually been a good friend. He still refers to her as his 2nd best friend, but in reality, they haven't been in touch much for at least as long as we've been together (3 years). In the time I've known him, she takes at least 2 weeks - 1 month to reply to an email, never seems to answer her cell phone. Calls him/emails him maybe 4 - 6 times a year or less. Has never called/wished him happy birthday (yet was asking him to get her a sex toy for her birthday since he had done so once years ago? - he didn't since I thought it was inappropriate and she could go get one herself). And when they do talk, it's pretty much always about her (her relationship problems or her work) - actually this is kind of what most of his female 'friends' are like when they talk to him, which is another problem altogether. So considering that I'm not thrilled with her with her based on her actions around me, how she treats him doesn't exactly endear me to her either.
Not sure if this changes the answers, but I felt like I needed to vent a bit :S and I feel like writing it all down is making things clearer for me.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I don't see why you wold invite her if she hasn't been respectful or kind to you. I certainly wouldn't invite anyone that left a bad taste in my mouth, especially to such a big event. If she doesn't live close by and he doesn't care if she is invited or not, they're not best friends. If you think there is a slight chance that she may say or do something that will distract from your wedding, why risk it?
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Have you ever seen My Best Friend's Wedding? You should check it out. It applies to your situation and is my favorite romantic comedy. :-)
I would invite her out of sheer politeness for your fiance's sake and to be the bigger person. She sounds slightly jealous, but your fiancé is not falling for it. He loves you and is wanting her to be respectful of your relationship and of you. You have nothing to worry about with him! You've already won his heart! Best of luck and have a GREAT wedding!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I would invite her and hopefully she will have the common sense to say no, thank you.
There is no real reason to be jealous of that girl.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 If I were you, I would invite her, but tell your fiance that you don't want to spend a lot of time with her during the reception. Let her come and see how happy he is, and just spend very little time talking to her (you'll have plenty of distractions that night anyway). This will cut down on the risk of her upsetting you, and will show her how secure you are. It will make her feel included, and make your fiance happy, and I doubt she will be able to wreck your day. It will be YOUR day and really, you have truly won him! Its not good to get in the business of deciding who your partner can be friends with. So, if he is her friend, and he wants to invite her, let her come. If she says or does something awful, then you will have plenty of ammunition to keep her away in the future. Good luck to you, and I hope you enjoy your day!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): She hasnt been very respectful to you. I myself would not be suprised if she tried getting him in the sack again. I dont think your soon to be husband has spotted how dangerous she may end up being.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 December 2011):
I'd invite her, it will be the closure she needs, kind of like a viewing at the funeral parlor. Besides you'll be the star that day no matter what.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to clarify the title - the person is not my fiance's ex. They were never in a relationship, just friends and used to sleep together as well.
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