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female
age
41-50,
*lowpop305
writes: My fiancee is scared of his ex and lets her control what and how he is when he has his son over our house (2 times per week and every other weekend). Examples, she smokes in her car and house, yet tells my fiancee that we cannot smoke in our house around her son or he is not coming over, she does not want their son calling my daughters his sisters, she does not want me telling her son what to do (he is only 5 and I never have said any thing to him), to give a few examples, she calls at least 2 times a day on the weekends we have him to "talk" to him and my fiancee makes sure his cell is right there so he can answer her call, she recently got married and her husband is allowed to be alone with her son, but I am not (before he met me it is in a court order that he must be present at all times when he has his son), he never argues with her over holidays that he is entitled to.Now here is my ? He says it is because he is afraid that she will take him to court, deny him to see his son, and the judge will agree to it. I think its a bunch of crap. What is really going on here. A little more history, he hid me from her for the first 4 months we were together and his son finally told his mom about me. I feel very insignificant. One other thing that has recently happened, she has always shared a bed with her son and he will not sleep any where else when he is at his moms, I am TOTALLY against this and have NEVER allowed my children to sleep in my bed, well we had him over night on Saturday, he usually gets up at least 10 times at night because we make him sleep in his own bed, well he asked his mom when she called to "tell him goodnight" can I sleep in their bed, and she said NO. You can sleep with your dad, but not with me. But he sleeps with her and her husband. Believe me I do not want him in my bed at all and would never allow it, but this comment made me feel "dirty" in a sense and my fiancee didn't bother to say anything to her about it. Please help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): This woman is an ugly person. She is destroying her son. It is incestuous to teach her son to rely on her for comfort. As he grows she will teach him and expect him to be there for her emotionally as an adult partner...which is emotional incest.
She is teaching her son how to lie and this will only confuse him and anger him.
Please get some counselling for yourself. You need some support.
Second; I think said son needs some counselling. He has issues already thanks to Mom and her controlling and manipulative ways.
Thirdly; buy three books.
1) Super Nanny by Jo Frost. She will have an approach for how to comfort and reassure son and set some guidelines for what is appropriate and best for son. Also begin a diary and write down such occurances and conversations and note how they affect the poor boy. Do not talk to him and prod him for answers...just listen and be aware of what he might be saying. He is lost and confused and how scary and uncertain. His Mother is Nasty and evil. She is far from nuturing and loving and does not offer her Son comfort, support, and the care he needs. He is emotionally being abused beyond belief.
2) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Familes by Stephen R. Covey. His book will offer you amazing strength and insight on parenting and how to create a loving environment and how to cultivate stability and a haven for your family. Also, will teach you how to better communicate with your partner and work together.
3) The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. A great book for someone in your situation. The Ex is an abusive and destructive parent and individual. This book will have identifiers and will also explain the dynamic and effects the Ex had on your partner.
I really think some family counselling with son, partner and you will do wonders. Let the Ex Monster be threatened and she should be scared; it is time Dad becomes strong and thinks of what is best for his son to save him heartache and turmoil.
Son needs to be rescued and maybe you are the beginning of this destined road and journey.
Get strong and get smart. Also, consult a lawyer.
Best Wishes.
I hope good comes of all this for the sake of little son. Poor Sweetie.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (19 December 2006):
 This woman is obviously very controlling and I would guess insecure. You have your own children so I'm sure you can sort of relate to the behaviour. But I can also understand your fiances concerns, custody and viewing rights are often a complication. She is overpowering him and as you say setting double standards which are ridiculous ! I agree with your ideas that a five year old should certainly be sleeping in his own bed ! Don't let her make you feel dirty ! She's in the wrong but this is a difficult situation. She sounds jealous to me too. Children need consistency, I'm afraid that she is teaching him behaviour and rules that will only confuse him and actually make things more difficult for her possibly in the long run. Would it be totally out of question for you and your fiance to talk to her and her husband at an adult level ? I would suspect she would boo hoo this but I think this would be the only way to create change.
I hope someone else here can maybe offer some more experienced advice, as I only work with children and can only offer advice based on my own experience as a child of a very consistent, structured and secure family group which I am very lucky to have had all my life. Good luck - I think you have a very tricky situation to deal with.
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