A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my fiance recently brought his daughter to live with him after not seeing her for 7yrs an no contact for 5yrs,during the last 2yrs her mother has poisoned her mind against me so ive been made to stay away along with our 3yr old son whom is her stepbrother.im angry at the fact that he has denied our son a chance to get to know his sister yet he`s allowed his neices and nephew to be with her daily an they were strangers to her just as our son is,lastnight it all blew up as i said its time to begin the healing proccess as we are a family my daughter an sons included,he accused me of wanting to take over his daughter life,i told him if thats what he thinks then to go back to his ex wife as she is still controling his life and he is allowing it,an he cant really love me,our son and my kids,what kind of game is he playing and why?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): female anon, it`s time you stopped your tunnel vision. If any of your 7 children (his step children)got out of line or suddenly decided not to like your fiance,you would expect better from him. You dont want his daughter because she has upset the balance. The ideal world of you,fiance and his 7 stepkids may just be a bit much to expect seeing you cant be mature enough to admit you have no time or patience for 1 child that isnt yours. You have shown your contempt because he got his daughter without asking your permission. Women like you make my blood boil !!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I`m sorry,but if one of your seven kids and your guy fell out,or for whatever reason the dispute was,you would automaticaly expect more patience than you have shown.The truth is that you cant accept her,she has unbalanced your life,she`s never going to fit into your idea of a perfect world with you,mr.fiance and the seven step kids. Dont believe HIS daughter may not be able to sense rejection,as you seem very good at looking at the frame from your angle only. You have seven kids,but you`r not a good partner to your fiance,and lets not mention the taboo subject of step mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): If you intend staying you will need a more mature approach. You seem unwilling to give it a chance and if it was the other way round would expect more patience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): For heavens sake ! Why dont you dudes either make up or break up? I cant see how you could keep a grip of your relationship when you say so much bad about him though. Is there anything being missed out here because his acts are very unusual for someone who`s happy with his life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Its the behavior of someone who doesnt want to be there. Why doesnt he want to be there? That is another issue. Its more likely he is avoiding drama,not avoiding his son.He probably will change once your ill feeling has settled. He has suddenly stopped being around. Its likely to have been building up over a period of time. Have you both had a chance to talk positively on this? If there are any real issues that you are missing out,then it will never be solved. It appears you are over anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): pls can somebody tell me how can you not share your love between your 2 children,1 gets all your love and attention and the other you sit 50 yrds away from him and dont even acknowledge him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): for all you people whom think i dont love my fella,your all so wrong,i have been with my fella for over 4 yrs and in all that time i have done everything to show how much i love him and he also has not taken on my 7 children,he`s been there as a friend to them and i have been greatful for that.as for his daughter and me being selfish or jealous you are way off the mark,especially when he just took off without telling me,ignored me for 2 weeks and returned with her,but during all this time i had to endure some of the worse abuse i had ever known off his x-wife and it still continued,even when i was at his house with him present and never did he tell her to f off and stop harrasing me,he even refused to listen to the 8 voice messages i had received,he told her loads of personnal stuff about me and my family,why?because he used me as a scape goat and i still forgave him and why because i love him.i have tried my best to make friends with his daughter,but she aint having it,its like im invisible,im not bothered how she behaves towards me cause i can see how she has been poisioned,but his behaviour towards his own son is my concern as he`s feeling his daddy`s absents,asking to go to his house all the time,yet his dad aint got no time for him,its been weeks since he went there and he no longer stays over,is this the behaviour of someone who loves me or his son?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): The child in question has had a lot of change.If you let it ride over you,in time she will stop seeing you as a threat.She is a young age and i`m under the impression she`s having her strings pulled by her mother.In the mean time,if you intend staying with your fiance you will have to stop taking it personal because no matter who he`s with,his ex wife will play the same game because she wants him back.This problem youre going through is very common. Like some other answers,i also question your love for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Its suprising to see this was posted over one month ago. As for advice,i would say be honest with yourself,examine what you wrote because you may think you love this man,but reading between the lines,you dont like him and have no intention of taking on his ties. You may be staying with him through fear of not finding anyone else who is prepared to take on 7 children,but in the long run your dislike of him will get worse,and the children will be better without living without this tension. It is very hard to conceal disrespect,and clearly you have no thought,and nothing good to say for him. I think if you meet someone else,your love will fade very quickly,if not immeadiately.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): dear problem poster, i would advise you to take a reality check. Stop being soooo selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): What do you want, advice or everyone to have a go at your fiance? You take answers you dont want to hear badly by returning with a list of errors. You show a total refusal to accept anything what doesnt fit into what suits your ideal world. His daughter is a child and your way of dealing with things puts you just about equal. I cant believe a grown up woman cannot see beyond herself like this. If this was your child you would handle it differently and expect patience from your fiance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): you can all say wot you like about me being jealous and insecure,but when a man goes to jamaica to the x-wife who ran away with his kid and nearly destroyed his whole family,and he tells her all about my child being in prison,my parents being dead,him sleeping with my cousin,gives her my mobile numbers so she can ring and abuse me,call my kids the most horrific names including our 3yr old son and he dont want to hear or read the txt mssgs yet he took away his son`s nursery place,seen his son 4-5 times in 3 months and he lives less than a mile away from him,this is a child whom has had his dad in his life every day and all of a sudden he dont want to know him or see him and the same applies to me everyday for 4+years he spent with me at my home with my kids and now he turns not only against us but his back to.well it goes to show how he choose 1 child over another and his x-wife over me,im worth more than what he`s done to me and his son
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): I had this experience with my now wife`s 2 kids (my stepkids).It took around 18 months,but things settled.I feel more sorry for your fiance.You say you love him but dont mind crucifying and blaming him.Basicaly,he has to wipe his hands of his child or else. Her behavior resembles insecurity or jealousy.He isnt in an enviable position. He obviously finds it difficult,and as he never discussed anything with you,probably knew that it would have been met by your dissaproval.The way you are reacting just shows you have only given thought to yourself.What if this was the other way round? I know one thing is for sure,your concern doesnt include your fiance,and in no terms his daughter. Youre main concerns seems to be gaining respect. I apologise for not agreeing with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): 7 children! that will be a shock to the child. Possibly a bigger shock than his 1 child was to you.It would be the wrong advice to say excercise some patience,as its clear you wont,or cant. Looks like he`s chosen his 1 over your 7. Thers nothing you can do except find someone who has no children. He doesnt need your kids disrespecting him,as youre doing a good job of that yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): excuse me if you go and read what has be written,you may just find how wrong you are,maybe that child is his past,but he brought her here into our future without any discussion of the effect it may have on himself,her,our son or me.i welcomed and treated that child with respect and tried very hard to be a friend as i love her father but she is refusing to even try and accept me,even though i spoke to her and told her i want her to be a part of the family,her behaviour is disrespectful to her father and me as she now even behaves like i dont exist and that is being done also with other people present,yet her father is allowing this and knows it is a problem,and for your information i have 7 children of my own and never have they disrespected my partner in any way as i wont allow this kind of behaviour to the man i love
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): I am now 31. At 12 years old i was in a situation like this after moving to another part of the country to live with my father, after losing my mother. Fortunately,my step mom,who at the time was the scapegoat and enemy, was a well balanced,patient woman and I put her through hell. That child is probably screaming inside,such a change of life.Your fiance`s child is seen as his past and you and your children are his future. Well all i can say is fiance hasnt abandoned his kid just like you wouldnt abandon yours. Hard Luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): hi everyone,may i just say that i and my children have tried very hard to make my partners child fit in be a part of us as a family,ive even spoke to her on a one to one as a friend not the enemy and she just blanks me out,she has been very disrespectful not only to me but my children whom themselves are only 9 and 12 yrs also her brother whom is 3yrs.my partner may be under pressure but if he made it clear to his daughter that we are also his family and have been for the last 5yrs and her joining us as also been difficult for us knowing that she hates me and my kids.my partner and i are currently apart right now due to th ex wife verbally abusing me,my kids and my family yet my partner is showing no support to us whatsoever,he`s not contacted us in over a week,yet he seems to have forgotten that he didnt even tell us that his daughter was joining him,just turned up with her knowing that her mum had poisioned her against me and knew this was going to be a problem and as far as i can see,he`s happy to let his ex wife destroy us as she dont want their daughter near me and my kids and he`s done just that and stayed away from us,he has let his past destroy our future as a family he has decided what he wants and it is not me,his son or my kids and im left with a broken heart for the man whom i loved so much has left me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): He will be under pressure and his neice and nephew are a totaly different matter,without the same fear of personality clashes.It sounds like both you and his ex are trying to control.By the way you are reacting now and what you say,do you think he may just find you unreasonable and overbearing? "go back to your x wife" "denying his son a chance to know his sister" goes to show you havent once thought about any reason or pressure he may be going through.I think the fact his daughter has been poisoned against you,he`s not seen her for 5 years, and your reaction shows he`s got a lot on his plate. It`s a shame you couldnt focus more on support and help. I think the childs mother will probably succeed at breaking you up.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 i know this sounds a little weird, but a lot of woman, and men, are extremly protective meaning, that she does not want u to start taking over her role as the childs mother. she may even be nervous that her daughter may start calling u mom and that u may allow that or even encourage it. u need to establish with the step daughter if shes old enough to understand things u do not want to nor intend to take that away from her mom, that u are going to marry her father, yes, and ur perfectly comfortable with her calling u by ur first name. that the only changes will be that when shes with u and her dad there are rules that need to be followed, yes, but her mother is her mother and her you are merely her dads new wife to be. and ud like to try to be friends with her if anything else and thats it. u also need to find out if this is the real issue with the mom, as many times people misconstrue the ex to be trying to get back at the other parent but sometimes, its the feeling of roles being threatened by the stepparent who is now playing a role in the step childs life. i have seeen this many a times where i.e my friend has a son who lives with the dad, he remarried a woman and the mother is furious because the step mother encourages the son to call her mom, and now as time went on the son calls his reaal mom by her first name. while this is an xtreme case, the mother is livid and furious and has tried to fight the stepmother on the issues at hand as its not her son. nor is it any of her concern. but she feels she can do as she pleases. so, being a little sensitive to the real mothers plight might be recommended, if in fact this is why shes causing problems. u need to let her know u will not take her status as the girls mother away. and neither do u intend to override her concerns about the way she wants her child raised, if, the dad is in agreement with the mother about certain things then u should back out as in the end, ur just the new wife to be who is a stepmother to her. but it does not mean u take over all role and raising and teaching of this child. the mom hand dad have last say. unless, she is acting in inappropriate ways that will create serious problems in ur life. all 3 of u need to network and talk about this issues together and address all concerns and reassure that nothing of the sort is going to happen and the real mother will continue to play an active role in her raising and instilling her own values etc, and u are the step parent who is there to help smooth out the edges.
but cooperation is the key and communication!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I suggest you and your fiance get counseling. After you both have a game plan on how things will work, then maybe bring the kids to counseling to. Sometimes, it is impossible for member involved in a relationship to see past there nose when it comes to reasoning.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 May 2008):
 OK I can see where you are coming from in all of this and OK I understand that he wanted some time to be with his daughter but he needs to show his daughter that you are in his life and your son who is her stepbrother is part of her life. Your son is 3 years old and he also needs to spend time with his daddy.
He can't make up for all the years when he had no contact with his daughter and why after all this time has he decided that she should live with him, why has the mother allowed this after no contact for 5 years, was this girl becoming too much for her mum to handle and so your fiance feels he has to step in to make things right? How old is his daughter btw?
I have seen this with my own 2 eyes as my sister's fiance has a daughter with a woman he was never committed to i.e. they dated for a while and she tricked him into getting pregnant, well she stopped taking the pill and thought he would stick around when she got pregnant, unfortunately that didn't happen as she had used him but he has always paid maintenance for his daughter but her mother poisoned her towards her father and she now knows how to get out of him whatever she wants as he tends to fall for her pleas of goods etc. My sister is not so stupid however as she has twin girls of almost 19 and my youngest niece will be 16 this month so she knows the tricks he however is willing to do whatever it takes but I think my sister is making him see sense now.
You are right you cannot go on like this and if he is going to put his daughter first over his son who needs his daddy right now then he needs to know what he is going to miss again if he doesn't see sense very soon.
Yes some ultimatums do need to be said right now as he is trying to do the right thing but you cannot put one person above everyone else and he has two children himself and he has said that he obviously wants to marry you so it is time to stand up and be counted as his daughter will think that he is not serious if you are living in separate houses and living like 2 separate families, some decisions need to be made even if it is renting out one place and living under the other roof so that you can live as one not disjointed as you are by the sounds of things.
He can't turn back the clock and his guilt is obviously controlling his mind right now. What his is ex doing in all of this? Is she pulling the daughter's strings and has she put this situation in place in order to get him back or is she just revelling in watching what is going on right now.
Has his ex moved on with someone new btw?
Here anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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