A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,So, my fiance, who I've been with for over two years now, asked me very early on in our relationship to stop being friends with my ex because it made him uncomfortable. He not only asked me to delete him from facebook, but to stop all contact with him. I didn't have that much contact with my ex at the time, but I felt OK about being friends - our relationship didn't end badly. Because I love my fiance (boyfriend, at the time) I honored his request and deleted my ex from my life. I've lost a few of the mutual friends my ex and I had because of this.Now, my fiance is "reconnecting" with the mutual friends he and HIS ex share. They're actually more her friends now, but he's known them since high school, though they haven't spoken in years. I'm very uncomfortable with this. These friends see my fiance's ex regularly, are involved in her life, and now my fiance wants to invite them into our life. I think that it's only a matter of time before he tries to be friends with his ex. Of course, I feel outraged. I deleted a 4-year chunk of my life (ex-boyfriend and mutual friends) so that my fiance would feel comfortable in our relationship, and now he's trying to resurrect HIS past!!! I really feel like walking out on him. Please help. I don't know what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Plain and simple, there needs to be an even exchange here and he needs to do what you did for him as its only fair. Try to forget the emotion tied to the EX man and woman here... he sint being fair in the relationship and without fairness comes bad balance and that can cause issues like domination or even being controlled. You obviously plan on being with this guy the rest of your life so its worth it for him to just cut them out, especially if they add no benefit to his life like you stated. I agree with your ultimatum and think its very proper. I hope he sees things in your light. Best on this sweetie.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Hi, again. This is the poster of the question.
Thank you to everyone who has responded.
I have spoken to my fiance about this, and his reaction was that I'm "too sensitive" about these things, and that he couldn't understand what the problem was. It always takes him a long time to see things from my perspective, months and months, but I find the situation/the hypocrisy extremely aggravating and don't have the patience to wait for him to come around on his own. His main argument so far has been that the mutual friends that he shares with his ex were originally his friends from school - but as I explained in the post, they are really HER friends now. I think he's nostalgic for the past. Even so, it does not justify him rekindling these friendships at my expense.
I plan on giving him an ultimatum. If he wants to apply certain standards to my behavior, he must accept the same for his own. This is something I absolutely will not budge on. And if he refuses to ditch these friends (who are losers, anyway), I'm gone. I will not indulge him in reliving the past, when I edited mine so severely for him - to basically prove to him that I was over my ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Have you actually spoken to your partner about this? Its all good and well to sit and stew but achieves nothing. If you have not spoken to your partner then there is no time like the present. You are growing resentful of your partner and its best to nip this in the bud now before it gets worse. This is a man you are intending to spend the rest of your life with, at this point you should be able to spit things out. If you have spoken to your partner about it and he has continued to go against something which clearly makes you uncomfortable and is a threat to the relationship then I'm afraid he is not the man for you.There are reciprocal obligations in a relationship and corresponding rules which everyone must abide by. If highly unfair of him to expect compromise and sacrifice from you and not return the favour. That means he is selfish and pretty much a cad. If he can't compromise on this now before marriage imagine what it'll be like afterward once he's comfortable and set in his ways. You'll be bending over backwards to accommodate his needs and getting nothing in return. Think carefully before you jump. All the best hun!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): That sucks. Your fiance had no right to ask you to delete your ex boyfriend from facebook and restrain you from being at the very least civil and friendly with a guy you spent so much time with. Your devotion to your now fiance should have come from you, not from him and his restraints. And now he is pulling the double standard. Boy that sucks. I used to date a guy like that. Very controlling. Men who try to control your life generally do have double standards that is why they are so possessive. You live and you learn. This is one lesson I am sure you will never forget. Don't ever cut ties with friends, exes who are friends, and people who will always remain important to you at the request of a lover. Because a lover who truly loves you and respects you would never ask you to do that.It is up to you what you want to do now...I would be very pissed off too.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (12 April 2011):
Have you told him how you feel?
This is the first thing to do.
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