A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have known my girlfriend since high school, almost 15 years, and we have been together as a couple for almost 3 years, engaged around 1 year, we also live together and have no children yet.When I proposed she seemed happy, said yes and I agreed to wait a year til we start planning or discussing a date as she wanted to enjoy being engaged. Now that year is up every time I try to bring up the subject, get brochures, look on the Internet or discuss it together with either of our families I get a frosty reception and often we end up in an argument. We only want a small wedding and I have bent over backwards to accommodate her family as her parents want to control the entire thing whereas mine tell us to do what we wish so long as we are happy as it is our day. Her mother recently said she wants to be involved because she had no say in her own wedding plans and was sidelined by her son who planned his wedding with his fiancée with no help from his parents. As we both agreed at first that we wanted to get married abroad with just our immediate family and have a small reception abroad things looked easy to plan. Her mother then decided that this was not acceptable and that we could not expect them to fly 8-9 hours and them to not stay with us for the entire time, essentially spend our honeymoon with us rather than return after a week and let us have a week or two alone. Of course we both agreed this was not going to work and chose to consider places closer to home but still abroad (2-4 hours by plane). Her mother then decided that her grandparents would not be able to come so I suggested we pay for them and then she said they won't fly so we should get married in the UK. So we briefly looked into a wedding in a small country house or castle a few hours drive away so as to be far enough away to e able to have a small wedding and not offend people by not inviting them but to allow her grandparents to attend and still have just an intimate reception for a few people who were invited, her parents, grandparents, brother as family and my parents. We are both introverts and decided from the start we did not want a large disco or reception. Unfortunately her mother has now told us that we HAVE to have a night event for all of our friends and family when we get home, in a local hall, with all the expense and so on that we both specifically said we didn't want. My fiancée basically agreed to keep her mother happy despite my protests and I again had to back down and accommodate her family, who I love dearly but are starting to rub me the wrong way.Now comes the nitty gritty. Having agreed to all of these demands, lose control of our wedding and of what we BOTH agreed we wanted and didn't want I finally realised that unless I essentially let her be controlled by her mother I won't have a wedding at all and I adore my fiancée so I had no choice but I thought at least now she will perhaps agree to start planning and set a date. How wrong could I be. When I brought up the subject she couldn't have been more dismissive, basically staying silent and refusing to talk about it which led to me finally losing my cool and letting her know I am sick of trying to get things sorted and letting her know just how much I have done to keep her family happy and give them what they want while my own family look on and are happy for us to have out big day as we wish. She then let fly that this is "because your parents don't give a s£!t about you" and being really defensive about her family as if she just can't see how accommodating I have tried to be and how I have given them all they want without a single fight. I pointed out that I had to be the only man in history to be excited about marrying my childhood sweetheart while she won't even discuss setting a date and when I explained that I love her and had waited the year (more actually) that she wanted to show off her ring and be engaged and ask when we will start thinking of a date she said "we will one day".After having this going on for too long and with no timeframe beyond "one day" I finally realised it just isn't going to happen and informed her the engagement is off as I feel I deserve more commitment than "one day". In fact I deeply feel that she no longer loves me but is keeping me in her life, why? I don't know. I told her I was sick of getting giddy and being asked when and where by family and friends only to have no answers and that I felt she was making me look foolish. She then took off her ring and placed it in a drawer and without so much as a tear kissed me goodbye and went to her parents as usual for a coffee as if nothing had changed. She even told me she loves me as normal. It was as if nothing had happened, that our entire engagement counted for nothing. Essentially it was a sham and I now realise she obviously never wants to marry. So why does she insist she loves me and continue to be a couple if she doesn't want to commit to a long term relationship?I really don't know where to take this. I am deeply hurt and confused. I love her deeply and only ever want to marry her but refuse to be strung along. We have so much invested in one another, get on fine, have regular family days with her family and I simply cannot understand her actions. Have I made a mistake breaking off the engagement or was it a mistake to even expect my partner of many years who I own a house with to want to marry? Where does our relationship go from here? I fear that with no marriage after so long it just won't happen but it is important to me to get a commitment from someone I have invested so many years of my life in and who I respect and love deeply. I 'manned up' so to speak and was given the ultimate cold shoulder and I am shocked and amazed at the outcome.Oh and no, no way is she having an affair before any moron brings that up. She is an introvert and we have a small social circle, love together and freely use each others mobiles, laptops and so on so I would know. I am open to the possibility that she may have entertained the thought of liking another man as I cannot disprove such a theory but she has never slept with another person.Thanks for your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 I think you need to make one last attempt at talking to your girlfriend - I would explain to her that you are on the verge of leaving over this because you feel you are being strung along and ultimately marriage is important to you. This is not issuing an ultimatum, but a frank face to face talk about how you feel. Explain to her that unless she wants to get married too, then you are going to have to walk away.
If she opens up and talks - great. If she doesnt talk - then that is a clear sign your marriage would have failed anyway if she cannot communicate with the man she supposedly loves, so you have to walk away.
And PLEASE cancel this Paris trip if you still can. She is walking all over you, you are the ultimate doormat making yourself out to be the bad guy 'making up' for something when in fact she was the person in the wrong.
You are 100% right to be upset about this situation, as you said you are both in your 30's and want children, she has a limited number of years left for children if its not too late already therefore she has broken the agreement you made to each other, that you would be married before you have kids.
If she doesnt want to get married she should have never said yes - I get the feeling she just wanted the sparkly ring and never had any intention of getting married. The fact you are taking her to Paris, giving her massages and bubble baths, buying her a lovely engagement ring...you spoil her and she might well only be with you for the material things you give her.
I bet she realises she can get away with murder around you, regardless of what she does you still blame yourself and buy her lovely things even when she is in the wrong. The more she does wrong, the more you blame yourself, and the more presents she gets - WIN for her isnt it?!
What are you getting from this relationship? What are you getting in return for all these romantic gestures? What does she do for you?
All I can see is that she has a nightmarish family, she doesnt stand up for you in front of her family, she insults your family, doesnt care about your feelings and ignores your genuine heartfelt pleas.
I have recently gotten engaged and yes I enjoyed showing off my ring, but I am more excited about organising the wedding because I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with my fiance. He is a wonderful man and I'm so excited to celebrate our love with our family and start our lives as man and wife.
This is how she should feel - I think this is how you feel, but she clearly does not feel the same way. She was just excited about the piece of jewellery on her finger, not about what the ring symbolised.
She either needs to talk, and fast, or you walk away and find someone more deserving of your affections. You sound like an incredibly loving and caring person, possibly a bit too soft and a bit easily taken advantage of - but she sounds cold and uncaring. If she cannot talk to you then that is her declaring that she has no intentions of saving this relationship, and has no intentions of fighting to keep you in her life.
She talks, or you move on - dont let her treat you like a doormat anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): I personally think this is the end. She doesnt want to get married to you. Cut your losses and move on. But basing on how lovesick you are, i doubt you have the courage to do that, even though it would be for the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Thankyou for taking the time to answer.Firstly, I never said she HAS to marry me to be with me. I proposed and she chose to say yes, if she did not want to she could have easily said no. Being a long term couple and childhood sweethearts she knows me well enough to know that I would have understood if she said no. Also she would have known to let me know if she wasn't ready to start planning a wedding as is evident by her asking me to wait a year to enjoy being engaged and me readily agreeing to her request.Yes, I broke off the engagement due to constantly being rejected when trying to set a date but we remain a close couple and very much together still, proof of how close we are that she understands why I broke off the engagement, even if she does not understand just how much I have tried to make allowances for her family and constantly smiled and agreed to their demands because I simply want to marry the girl I have always adored. Is it my fault that I am really excited at the idea of planning our wedding? Isn't that what getting engaged is all about? How many women have posted on this forum about their other half not wanting to marry, not wanting to set a date or get involved in the planning? Many.Marriage isn't important to everyone, this is true. Not being married in no way invalidates a relationship I agree totally. But we are very spiritual and deeply Christian, although a modern Christian couple who love together 'in sin' as we felt that taking the step to buy our home was right for us at the time. We have talked endlessly about starting a family and she really wants us to have children and we both agreed to wait until we were married to do so, a joint decision. This choice and feeling right were the factors which led to my proposal and he obviously felt the time was right too as she agreed and has spent over a year flashing her ring and beaming about her engagement when in public.In private she simply wouldn't discuss the matter as previously discussed. My action to call off the engagement seems logical, I am being open and honest about how I feel, I cannot be any more open or fair. What should I have done? Issued and ultimatum? Broken the relationship? Threatened to sell our home from under her feet unless she agreed to marry me? At least this way we have a solid relationship and the foundations to revisit the idea of marriage and children in the future should she feel she wants such things.I guess I now would be too scared to propose again due to what has happened. Would you bother? Would you want to even be with someone who clearly wants to be with you but won't commit? Would you feel, like I do, let down? Like you have wasted so many years building up to a point that was agreed as the start of the next step into children and a family then be made to put the plans on hold forever with no explanation or timeframe? We have great careers, a lovely home, the support of our church and friends and family and a good savings account so why the sudden need to slam on the breaks? We are both in our 30's and time to have children will not be on our side for much longer.Anyway. I tried to talk to her tonight to find an explanation. I picked her up from work, took her home to a pre run bubble bath with candles, pamper her with a full body massage and then took her for a lovely meal and gave her assurances that I love her and always will but she simply would not discuss the matter. At all. Tonight I have booked us both into a hotel in Paris (Disneyland believe it or not as she loves Disney) and we will be heading off at the weekend. This is my little treat to make it up to her for calling off the engagement and assure her that i want a future together. I really am trying so hard to keep her happy and reassure her whilst not press to hard for answers but can't help but still feel like I deserve some.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 September 2013):
I think you guys should go to couple's therapy before getting married. Your fiance probably has some issues that need to be worked out with a mother like that. Not to mention that, although you may be easy going now, imagine what things will be like after you get married if you give your MIL this much control over your wedding.
Maybe it will help her figure out why she's stalling. If she's in denial the problem won't fix itself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Why do you guys have to get married? Is it really necessary?
I mean, she can love you and not want to marry. If that wasn't true, everyone in a "non-committed relationship" doesn't love each other then.
It is odd for her to keep delaying the date when she could have been honest and said she's not ready. But, maybe she didn't want to hurt you.
Just give her some time and see if she decides to meet up with you. I guess you could meet up with her, but it's kind of weird since you're the one who called off the engagement.
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