A
male
age
41-50,
*anis
writes:I am a little unsure what to do about my fiancée who reads my emails. She first did it while I was in Iraq for one year. She read an email from an ex-girlfriend of 6 years before, which I always had some contact to. In the email, we discussed her relationship with someone. At that time, it just so happened I change my password to my account. When I went home for vacation she fessed up to it and said she would never do it again. Now, I am back from Iraq and she just moved to a different state with me, leaving her job. With the boxes not even unpacked, she went through my emails after I left for work and confronts me about my emails to my ex again. I did not think anything about my emails, but she read the rest of the conversations to my ex. In it, I talked about how my-ex is a beautiful person, inside and out, and that she needs to find a nice guy to treat her that way. I also told my ex about commitment issues that I need to work out, because I am engaged, which I later wrote I already feel better about. I also said a joking sentence about nice knowing my ex's sex life and a joke about if she had naked pictures on her facebook or not. Granted, maybe I should not have said it, but it really is my personality to joke like that. In the email we had not mentioning of meeting or calling, or anything close to it. I also must admit, when I did see her pictures in Iraq, I had the old feeling of “WOW” and it crossed my mind to maybe try and see her again, but I kid you not…the same day I thought how stupid it was because it did not work out for a reason. Anyways, we are supposed to be flying to my family for Christmas soon (one day), and now I am totally confused.What should I make of my fiancée reading my email? She is really a great girl, but now the seed has been planted that I will never be able to truly trust her again with my personal life. She says she had a bad trusting experience and that is why she read my emails. She wanted to be “sure” that I was not cheating, which I am not. However, she kept looking for something and now she found ammunition. She is so upset, she thinks reading my email has nothing to do with this situation. I really need some advice :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008):
I think she doesn't trust you and she is snooping because Women have good intuitions and she probably can sense that you were flirting with your ex. Women know this stuff, just by settle changes in the way a guy acts.
I have a good intuition also and i never snooped but i just kept getting this bad feeling about my b/f. So i snooped in my b/f text messages one time cause this girl kept texting him, and wouldn't stop. He said it was nothing. It wasn't anything at first, but it developed into something. And I could sense little changes in him at first when he first started to like this other woman... I was on his back about this other woman and followed my intuition. And he cheated and I found out only because of my intuition. He wouldn't admit to it.
She can sense that you like this other girl, I guarantee it. You need to quit playing with fire, and be more honest with her and yourself. Maybe you didn't do anything with your ex .... Yet. But she senses your attraction to your ex, she's not stupid and being that you are not being completely honest with her in letting her know you still talk to your ex, and even flirt a little with her, she probably can sense you are hiding something. Even though its small, it probably feels like you are hiding something big to her. And let's face it flirting and emailing and texting a girl you are attracted to when you are ENGAGED, isn't being completely loyal. You are playing with fire.
You should be all eyes for the girl you are going to marry, and if you are not then don't marry her. Obviously you may get attractions to other women from time to time you are human. But you also aren't a dog and can control yourself. When you feel attracted to another woman thats when a red flag should go up and you should keep your distance from your her because small attractions can turn into something slowly by emails and pictures and etc etc... I've seen it happen a billion times.
Give your girl some respect and don't flirt with women you may feel attracted to. And be more honest with her and she will quit snooping. If you can't do that you have no business being in a marriage.
A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (25 December 2007):
 To the annonymoue female that wishes to mix politics with this question and really confuse matters..all I can do is laugh out loud! Are you Kidding? Clinton was a great president for ALMOST passing a bill?!
hahahahahahhah! If you're a big fan of Clinton you are defintely not helping his cause or Hillary's who has obviously overlooked his admittedly TERRIBLE behavior as a husband! Are you trying to make people vote republican?
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A
male
reader, Sanis +, writes (24 December 2007):
Sanis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey folks. Sorry for the delay in writing, but thank you for all the comments. Let me point out some stuff here. The pictures that I had seen were from her facebook account, so it was nothing directly sent to me. Also, i appreciate the female comments, but my thinking was exactly how the men think, go figure. My ex was 7 years ago and she was my only other serious relationship i had, so i do confide in her when it comes to my emotions. Well, as you know, we are together with my family for the holidays. The first week was rough, but this second week it feels almost back to normal. She would get mad or sad (sometimes telling a womens emotions is like rolling dice) at the mention of whatever word it would be for the day. Lately though, things are good. It will be interesting to see how things are when we are back in our apartment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Samurai Rick you make no sense. I mean you are basically saying that we should cut this man slack in his personal life just because he served our country?You know Bill Clinton served our country REALLY well too as he was the ONLY president to date, who vigorously tried to pass a bill to create universal health coverage in America so that you, me and all of us would be well taken care of. Now that too is VERY commendable. Does that mean we should cut him slack for cheating on Hillary?? He was a WONDERFUL president but a TERRIBLE husband. That's the truth. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. So if you are saying that this man should be excused because he fought for our country?? There is absolutely no relevance between the two. That's all. And I guarantee you that if a girl you were deeply inlove with did that to you, that you would be all hunky dory about it. I know any of my boyfriends would be PISSED OFF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Couples therapy, couples therapy, and more couples therapy if you want this to work out...Or at least suggest she get some qualified help to work on building trust.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (15 December 2007):
WOW! Looks like it’s the men against the women on this issue. Goes to show you what I have always contended…men and women do not think alike all the time.
First of all I want to say thank you for serving our country. You do us and the world proud! Stay the course, man.
I don’t think you cheated by emailing your ex, or even asking if she had naked photos…after all you already know what she looks like naked! But it does look a little bad and I can see how some might think it is. Your fiancé is being over-jealous because of what she went through in her past. But looking at your email while you are risking your life for her is just plain disrespectful. You did nothing to merit her suspicions. All she found was little teasing banter between old friends. I would talk the same way with my ex if I were in your position. Its harmless talk, and you were trying to help her when she reached out, there was no implication that you were trying to hook up with her. Everybody has an ex they can say was really hot and wouldn’t mind looking at again, this goes for both men and women...that’s normal! And there obviously a good friendship there even if the romance is in the past.
But getting back to your fiancé. The solution is easy. Open up a new email account and don’t let her know about it. That’s easily done. She obviously has issues. But keep the old account open, she could use it to help you pay bills and other business. You may still want to keep your emails with your ex to a minimum, but you should be the judge of that… If you know it’s innocent in your heart than its ok.
SO let her keep reading your email on that account...she already uncorked that bottle, let her get drunk on it. Seeing that you do serve in the military you should entrust someone close to you that can have access to your email…a brother or friend, in case something should happen to you. Obviously your fiancé is not the one to trust, because she uses it against you. That’s something you have to discuss with her in a civil way. But I say just love your fiancé and help her forget all her jealousy and drama. Life is too precious and real love is too important to allow little things get in the way. Be a Warrior when you fight our enemies, and be a Lover to the ones you love.
P.S.
Ladies, take it easy on this guy. He’s out there holding the fort for you, so cut him a little slack. Any woman who would consider a break up over this issue has some serious problems with self-confidence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I'm sorry but I still disagree with you. I think what you did was wrong. You even say in your post:"I also must admit, when I did see her pictures in Iraq, I had the old feeling of “WOW” and it crossed my mind to maybe try and see her again, but I kid you not…the same day I thought how stupid it was because it did not work out for a reason."You say the ONLY reason you thought it was a stupid idea is because "it didn't work out with her for a reason." Shouldn't the ONLY reason be because you are INLOVE with somebody else???Secondly, the mere fact that you even thought about seeing her again is SKETCHY.And why are you looking at pictures of her??It sounds like nothing we tell you is going to make you realise the reality of this situation which is that what you did is absolutely SKETCHY. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear. But I tried to put myself in your shoes and if I was inlove with someone, there is no way, shape or form that I would talk like that or think any of those things with an ex. I think your fiancee deserves better. And I hope she realises it sooner than later. Ok maybe she was wrong to snoop but boy is she lucky she did. Everything happens for a reason and maybe now she can use this knowledge to make wiser decisions about where she wants this relationship to go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): It seems like the consensus here is that you communicating (somewhat) intimately with your ex is the issue, but I disagree (I'm a male too for what that is worth). Men generally have fewer people to confide in than women, and men also generally confide in women, not in men. An ex is someone that knows a man well and for which a man can feel comfort in confiding in because they have been through a relationship together so there is nothing they could say to screw things up -- what's going to happen, you're going to break up? No there is not that fear, so if you are over each other and feel comfortable with each other discussing other relationships together, it is a nice friendship to have. That being said, I think everyone has a right to privacy, and an invasion of privacy by someone close to you is an unfair practice. I get the sense that this is only a symptom of insecurity your fiancée exhibits and that there is other behavior you could cite that is making you uneasy about your commitment to her. Reading emails feels like clingy behavior.Look if you are going to get married, you want to know that this person really is the one you want to spend a long time with, and if you have doubts you want those to come out sooner rather than later. Why should there not be contact with an ex to solidify in a man's mind that the woman he is going to marry is a better relationship. If it will be a successful marriage, it should not matter who you speak to. I think the fond feelings you are having for your ex are not because of who she is necessarily, but more that you are feeling like your financée' behavior is making you uneasy in your current relationship.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 should you trust her? yes, should she trust you? definatly not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Wow. I dont even know what to say. I don't think the question is whether you can trust her but rather whether she can trust you. And I can honestly answer that with a big NO. Cheating of the mind is still cheating. There is absolutely no reason for you to be still talking to your ex like that. And seeing pictures of her?? Divulging personal information about your current relationship with her?? Who's side are you on??
I mean what you have done is completely disrespectful and heartless. I mean why are you even with this girl? Why, cause your ex is no longer in the picture and so she's the next best thing?
A guy who truly loves you wants the world to know how much he loves you, even his ex. You don't really love this girl. I mean the way you talked about her you were just trying to attach little importance to her by divulging how you have commitment issues and about nice knowing your ex's sex life. That's you trying to show your ex that you don't really care about this girl THAT much. You could argue differently but deep down you know that's the truth. You just wanted to show your ex how shaky your "love" for this new girl is, probably cause you still want your ex.
I don't know what to tell you. All I know is that if that were my boyfriend I would feel so betrayed and devalued that I would never feel the same about you again. I know I would deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I don't think that you should have been making inappropriate comments to your ex girlfriend, out of respect for your current fiance. It may be your personality to joke, but you really should consider if our joking is hurting other people. Sure, you did it in an email, and she snooped. Thing is, there shouldn't be anything to find that would hurt her, if you were giving her all the respect she is due as your fiance. You shouldn't say and do things, in private with the opposite sex, that you wouldn't say or do if they were with that same person, in the company of your fiance. Now there are issues. To include her snooping. Consideringn that you wouldn't snoop, how would you have felt if you had found similar communications she had written to an ex?
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (15 December 2007):
 Your fiancee is screaming out that she is sinsecure and is in big need of some reassurance from her.Sometimes when people feel insecure or have problems trusting they need a lot more reassurance, so even if you feel like you have done more than enough to make her feel happy, you should go that extra mile. Girls can be funny creatures, we always are comparing ourselves to ex's, to other girls, etc. I'm sure once you have spent time and effort making her feel 100% secure, she will get over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): It sounds like she is seriously insecure although I would be a little suspicious if my partner contacted his exs.
Would you be fine with he emailing her exs? I think that her problem is more about the fact she knows you are contacting your ex but she doesnt know what you are saying - this causes her to become paranoid and snoop.
I think you need to explain, no matter how upset she gets, that you don't want her reading your emails, change you password but try and briefly summarize what you and your ex have emailed about when you do contact each other, this will stop her feeling left out and suspicious. Hope this helps x
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