A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need your help, I recently found out my fiancée has herpes. She said she isn't sexually active. Can one get herpes even without being sexually active?Also, what does it mean if she has herpes? shall I break off my engagement because of this? Is she lying about not being sexually active? kindly advice on what I should do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Herpes is either type 1 (HSV1) or type 2 (HSV2)HSV1 traditionally infects orally (also known as cold sores) type 2 traditionally infects genitally. (just known as herpes)HOWEVER they can also cross-infect, you can get HSV1 genitally (cold sores on your genitals) and also get HSV2 on your face.So when someone say they "have herpes" - two questions a) what type b) where is the infection?If they have never had a break out the second question cannot really be answered. Two know the answer to question one a herpes test blood test IGG must be done by the health clinic / doctor. Be careful many doctors don't do herpes tests unless you ASK for it.Also have you ever had a cold sore (as a kid)? If so, you too have herpes.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 I would ask her the questions first about was she, has she, can tell you better than we can. You can google about it also web md is good to do research. It makes sense not to be sexually active with and sti or std unless you with someone who has it. I feel like that's a hard pill to swallow to be in a relationship with someone with any sti or std, even cancer or other mental or physical issues. If I couldn't cure her I know and I would feel very uncomfortable being engaged and married to someone With any disease. If help them or cure them it's a better chance of serious committment. You have to make choices on how you feel and what you know is best for you. If you already slept with her its a possibility you have it. I know it would be very stressful knowing all this and wanting intimacy.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 OK I see Cerberus is saying that genital herpes can also be transmitted non sexually. I didn't know that but I don't think he'd write that unless he was certain. It adds another layer of complexity but is also potentially good news.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
Ok, I assume you mean to ask whether she has *ever* been sexually active, rather than if she is sexually active (in the present tense). Did she say she is a virgin? And is it a deal breaker to you if she isn't? Who told you she has herpes? If it wasn't her, or a very reliable source, talk to her to confirm this.
If it's true, she must have had an intimate encounter to have got genital herpes, even if if was just oral sex. So, she could still technically be a virgin if that was the case (just oral sex) but sexually inactive - no. Have you asked her about her sexual past in that sense? She cannot claim to have NO sexual experience since she has (or may have) herpes.
I understand a little of your culture and perhaps you expect your bride to be a virgin, but are you a virgin? Because if not, you could also be harbouring an STD if you have never been checked. I think it was very, very brave of your fiancée to tell you (assuming she did, not someone else), knowing her future marriage is on the line. Good for her, that can't have been easy.
So I think you must decide whether or not it's a deal breaker that she is not a virgin and has had at least some sexual experience. If you can't get over that, you should not marry her. To someone from a Western background my advice would be totally different, but I'm keeping in mind your culture.
HOWEVER, genital herpes is actually pretty common (unfortunately) and if can get over her not being a virgin, and you decide that you love her enough to marry her, don't let herpes ruin your lives together or shape your future. Many people just have one outbreak, others have many and may have to take prophylactic treatment (an anti viral called acyclovir). She can pass herpes on to you even if she isn't having an outbreak, though the chances are much lower. She can pass this on to you even if you use condoms. So you will always run the risk of getting herpes, but to keep it in perspective, whether genital or oral, it is just cold sores. It's not life threatening and it's treatable but not curable. If she has HSV1 (more commonly oral herpes but it can also cause genital herpes), this would be good news: out breaks are fewer, and you've probably already got HSV1 yourself (see my previous post) even though you may never have had an outbreak of cold sores.
Let me know if I left anything out or you have any more questions. I understand this must be very confusing for you. The first thing I'd like to know if how you found out - because if it wasn't from her, and she says she's a virgin, someone is lying (not necessarily your fiancée!).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): You need to ask her how long she has it and when she got it etc. Talk to her about this.
It doesn't mean she's been sexually active and even if she was it doesn't mean it was by choice if you know what I mean, especially if she's had it since she was a kid etc.
Genital herpes can be transmitted the same way as oral herpes, bed linen, sharing underwear and even through use of things like sponges to clean that area that others have used.
It is possible although very rare to get it through non-sexual transmission but it does happen, maybe this has happened to her.
Talk to her and find out more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Hi Daisy, thanks for reading and for the advice. She has genitial herpes. Please advice, on what should I do? Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000606.htm
"Oral herpes is a common infection of the mouth area. It is caused by the herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1). Most people in the United States are infected with this virus by age 20.
After the first infection, the virus goes to sleep (becomes dormant) in the nerve tissues in the face. Sometimes, the virus later "wakes up" (reactivates), causing cold sores.
Herpes virus type 2 (HSV-2) usually causes genital herpes. However, sometimes HSV-2 is spread to the mouth during oral sex, causing oral herpes.
Herpes viruses spread easily. You can catch this virus if you:
- Have intimate or personal contact with someone who is infected
- Touch something that is infected with the herpes virus, such as infected razors, towels, dishes, and other shared items
Parents may spread the virus to their children during regular daily activities."
So if she only has oral herpes, this does not mean she is sexually active at all.
If you let us know that she in fact has genital herpes, I will reply again with relevant advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): My first thought was oral herpes too, which can come from oral sex, but it can also come from anywhere! She could have sh ared lipstick with someone who was just starting to get a cold sore (that's when it's not visible but contageous). She could have had chapped lips, touched a bathroom door and rubbed her lips and contracted it that way. I would ask her if it's only on her mouth and how she thinks it came about. I think I got mine from marching band long ago. I would buzz my mouthpiece because it was cold out (vibrate my lips on it) and then end up holding someone's mouthepiece to keep it warm while they fixed part of my uniform and then start buzzing my mouthiece again. Easily contracted because I know a few people who did pop up with cold sores. Definitely talk to her, make sure it's something that simple. She can always use over the counter meds to relieve outbreaks before they look bad and she can always refrain from going down on you when she knows one is coming
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): What kind of herpes?
If it's on her mouth, then she could've gotten it from almost anywhere, so that probably has nothing to do with sexual activity.
If it's genital herpes…to be honest, I've never heard of that coming from anything other than sexual activity.
It doesn't mean she's had vaginal intercourse, but she may have had oral sex…
Has she told you she's a virgin and never had any type of sex? Or just that she's not been sexually active since you've been together?
I would talk to her about it. I would NOT just break off the engagement.
My aunt has genital herpes, she's been married for over 10 years and her husband does not have it because they're very careful, especially when she has an outbreak.
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