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female
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anonymous
writes: I just found out that my fiance cheated on me. I don't know how to trust him again and I don't know how to be intimate again. He says that it was her first time but I'm afraid of catching something, I'm not in the best of health. I want to be with him. I love him. The incident happened and his best friend was present and had no problem with it. He has a problem with infidelity. How do I trust my fiance around this friend anymore? How do i let my fiance touch me? How do I move on?
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best friend, cheated on me, fiance, infidelity, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): im really sorry... i think guys now are like " girls know guys cheat".. just break it down.. he's doing this even before marriage.. imagine what will happen after u get married.. his friend obviously is like that so i think he will continue to be that way... think about it.. you have nothing to lose right now.. but after u get married you'll have so much hanging in the line..
plus if u marry him even after this... it's like u don't have any confidence in yourself.. and he will take advantage of it.. right now you're unmarried.. u can just walk away..
if u get married and he does cheat whom will u blame then? ... i think u finding it before marriage is a good thing.. be strong..
i wouldn't be sooo against it but this guy just sounds bad..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): my fiance told me that some girl told him that he might have gotten her pregnant. It does not seem like him at all--- chating and not using protection. According to his voice on the phone, I think he was kidding, but I was crying when i said bye and he did not say anything. He said we need to find a day and talk about it in person. I think he my testing me. What do i do? why would he be kidding with this none-sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): I am in the same situation, my live in boyfriend cheated on me and I am in an emotional turmoil. I not him to leave at the same time I want to be with him. at times I hate him and then I love him I really don't know what to tell you, because the pain is unlike anything I have experienced.
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male
reader, Dancid  +, writes (3 March 2009):
I don't agree with gentleman that said it's hard to find a man that doesn't cheat. Furthermore, I don't believe men that do cheat are unaware of their motives. I personally believe, that the male psych (female too, perhaps a bit differently) has a sort of duality about it, in other words, the way a person is in 'real' life, may be balanced by that person's sexuality. For example, a nice guy, who thrives off of people's happiness, would have fantasies that could be described by most (INCLUDING HIMSELF), as evil. Because sex happens in the 'real' world, it's consequential, which means a person wouldn't have any desire to practice their darkest fantasies, nor would they ever tell another about them. It's not just because they don't want to reap the consequences, I believe it's because of their inherently good nature, it's because applying these fantasies anywhere but in the absolute privacy of their mind, would be unappealing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if a person had the ability to perform, and experience his darkest, and most detrimental fantasy, and then rewind time with no strings attached, they would NOT. (at least that’s what I’m speculating) Obviously some fantasies are worse than others, so this doesn't apply to every instance, only the basics of the human psych, and again, it's only speculation on my part. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME I'm not saying that deep in their minds, nice people go around fantasizing about rape, and homicide. I DON’T BELIEVE THAT--I'm saying that people who are truly, authentically, good to the core, probably have sexual fantasies that they would never WANT to perform in real life.
The reasons I told you this, is because if I had to guess, I would say that your fiancé had little, to no emotional attachment to this woman. It was probably lustful sex, with detrimental consequences, and that's what made it exciting. That's why I believe that a good person's ying to their yang, is their sexuality. There are aspects to our psych, that we naturally keep so personal, that if accused of said things, we'd generally deny it without a thought, perhaps on a subconscious level, and with the belief that we are being completely honest.
If you are religious, there is an example of this: it says God created men (men not women) to reflect his glory, his magnificence, and his perfection (whatever adjective you'd use to describe the Holy Ghost) but that he made them from dirt, the most worthless element. Because man reflects the cosmic, but is worthless, God can forgive him. Not word for word, but it's the general idea. I can interpret that as the descriptor of men’s duality, can you?
I didn't expect this to help you decide where you should take your relationship, as cheating is to me personally, the most hurtful potentiality of a relationship. I don't believe I can give you any advice, you should do what's in your heart, but I would say try not to stay with him, for the sake of not being alone. If you love him, try getting some closure by perhaps getting the real reason he cheated on you, as a condition to you staying with him.
I wrote all this to try to give you some perspective on the betrayal of the one you love, and why he might do so even if he truly loves you too. Hormones obviously play a big part in the moment before potential intercourse, and can be for some, be virtually “un-resistible”. Some men, and women alike, find virginity to be sexy as well. (Yes women alike, trust me, I lost my virginity to such a girl lol)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): my fiance cheated on me last year when i was pregnant i forgave hime for the childs take but i no what you mean about trusting i just still cant do it and everyday im reminded of it. its even harder as he works away and is only home at weekends
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Most men cheat and that's the truth, they don't know why most the time, "selfish". they all come with something, it's who you choose to deal with. I hate thinking this way but seeing what I have seen it's how it is.... Finding a man who will never cheat is hard, not impossible but extreamly hard. Be strong and find peace in your life and have faith.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): i am in the same shoes you are in except it happened to me 2 years ago when i was preg with my first son i didnt find out until after i had my son i worry everday we split up for 4 months i know he loves me and is very sorry and i always throw it in his face and i dont feel good about we are back together now and haveing another son and i didnt think that it was right for so many people to tell you to leave him if you are still in love with him and you think that he wont ever do this again take the time and try and work things out you shouldnt take info from other people from their bad experiences b/c they are only going to tell you the worst b/c they didnt know how to get over it i dont either but i am trying that is actually how i found this b/c we have something in common we both love and want to forgive and trust our partners again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): My fiance cheated on me 4 years ago. We moved back the wedding and saw a counselor but I never did trust him again. The fear of moving on and becoming single again kept me from leaving him even though my heart was broken. Then a month before our rescheduled wedding he broke it off because he didn't want to get married.
Don't put up with it...I met my husband 9 months after my ex left me and married him last year. We now have a beautiful baby boy and I am so happy. My fear of being alone was unfounded!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): I am going through something similar. Leave him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): i am a guy that cheated on a girl i truly love deeply i dont knw why i cheated but i wish i never would have because i am madly truly and deeply in love with her. now we are just friends with benefits but i wish it could be much more because i ave so much love for her. i tink giving the ring back and telling him to give it to you when he has no more dubts will solve your problem because it means that e is truly sorry for what he did and he wont do it again which will help ease your pain
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): I'm sure you have heard of the quote "Once a cheater always a cheater."... take it into thought.. ive been with with my boyfriend for 5 years, he window shops alot.. sees someone and tells them just how hot they are, regardless, i dont see it as cheating just speaking his mind, now if he was ever to do something with them it would be over in a heartbeat... Ive went threw watching my parents divorce, where my dad cheated on my mom with another woman, they are now married, and yet hes still cheating, so i believe in the all time famous quote.. just take it into thought.. noone can make up your mind or your feelings for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): You need to make yourself move on. There is no such thing as gaining trust back. Once it is gone it is gone. Negative thoughts will always be roaming through your head no matter how much time goes by. Find joy in making him live with his mistake and regret. Once you get over it you will feel a lot better. Plus the fact you were to be married,, no way. I'd say F U and get out. No man is worth your tears but, the one who is won't make you cry. Think about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): You may need to take a break from him to think things through cause you seem to still have a lot of questions and what if's going on.The question isn't how are you gonna trust him again it's how is he gonna show you he can be trusted It takes a long time it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. He has to prove it over and over again and if he's willing to do that then he will have to deal with you questioning him all the time checking up on what he says etc.. If he tends to get irratated with that keep reminding him he did it not you and if you can have sex with him cause it's not the same I wouldn't until your ready to and too bad for him he made you feel that way you didn't just decide to feel that way. I think also you should consider giving him the ring back and tell him to ask you to marry him all over again when he can prove he can be a man and be faithful cause a marrying someone is suppose to be a huge committment on both parts and he isnt showing you he is committed never mind wants to spend the rest of his life with just you!!Good luck and think about it before you make that big step!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): YOU DON"T
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (27 December 2005):
 I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this, it is certainly a difficult time for you. If you are uncertain of his sexual health you have the right to ask him to be tested for std's before you resume any sexual activity with him. This is his responsability, he may say that this was her first time but in order to prove to you that he is serious about your feelings he should submit to a test. I do not feel like trusting him around this friend is even an option at this point. If I were you I would request that his time spent with this friend be with you, or in situations that will not allow for anything like that to happen again. It is up to him to prove to you that he deserves your love and trust. It will take time for your wounds to heal. If you trully want to be with him, you have to allow yourself to forgive him for what he has done. It will take time for you to be intimate with him but as you forgive him and your heart heals it will become easier. Start slowly, try to allow time for you both to just talk, go out on dates and remember the good times, this will help you to feel more intimate toward him. Do not forget that you are the victim here and it is up to him to EARN your trust, if you see that he is unwilling to do that then it is probably time to get out of there, it is far better to find out before you are married if he is really willing to put forth the effort it takes. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): I am very sorry to say this, but my answer is - you leave. I was in a 9 year relationship. We were married for 3. He cheated. I forgave him. It turns out that he never stopped cheating. Don't end up getting hurt again. At least you found out before you married him. Mine didn't cheat until after we were married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): hello,
so the man you want to marry has cheated on you. that is a pretty big deal, especially since marriage traditionally means that you are supposed to stay inimate with only the one you have married. you say that he cheated on you with a virgin? well, i wouldn't trust that too quickly and especially since you are not in good health already, you should make an appointment to get checed out.
when he cheated on you, your fiancee was obviously thinking of himself first, so it is time for you to start putting your own self first in your life. you want to be with him you say and you love him. but you obviously do not love that he is willing to sacrifice your relationship so easily and quickly with another woman. that is certainly a tough issue to think about and i think you need some time.
distance yourself from him and from the situation for a while. when you are ready, think about why you are with him and if you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying about if he is cheating on you. remember that this friend of his likely will not dissapear, and it is unfair of you to ask him to cut off a friendship.
if you don't feel comfortable with him touching you, don't let him touch you. tell him, once you have thought things through, how you feel and how much he has broken your trust and hurt your feelings. let him know this, don't expect him to read your thoughts. you will have to take it from there to see if this relationship is worth continuing. if he seems sincere, consider it, if not, he will cheat again especially when around this friend. maybe you could even talk to the friend if you are comfortable in doing so. best of luck in your situation! and remember: you are better than being cheated on. you should be with a man who wants you and only you. that is what marriage is all about. if he doesn't want just you, do not marry him r you are in for bigger troubles down the road!
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