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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, I am a 22 year old guy in college, and I really need help..I don't know what to do, I feel trapped in the situation that I am in, and I don't see any way out of it without getting more hurt than I already am. I am desperate for help...Three years ago, I confessed to my best friend that I really liked her. A couple of weeks later, we got together and were together for three months. During that time, we became so close and probably got too serious too fast. Both of us acknowledge that our feelings were intense but real, but that we probably rushed things. After three months, we bagan to argue and stuff (because we had pretty much been inseperable for three whole months without much contact with anyone else, it's natural to wear on nerves after a while!) I battle with depression and saw this as a much larger obstacle in our relationship, and freaked out. I broke up with her. I was torn up with the decision, yet somehow I convinced myself that it was right. I regretted it from the minute I said it, but rather than confronting the issue, I kept to myself for almost a year. During that year, I know she had a really hard time with the breakup. We had been best friends for years, and even though we had rushed in to the relationship phase, our feelings were very real. It was not just infatuation, this we both knew. I knew that I had made a mistake, and tried going down the path to patching up our relationship and to admitting the mistakes I had made. I truly loved her and wanted to make things right. I just had trouble forgiving myself for what I had done. I knew I had hurt her deeply, and I was hard on myself and kept to myself because I didn't want to hurt her further. Anyhow, about a year and a half ago, she was introduced to a friend of a friend, and they started seeing each other as friends. Things progressed from there, and they have been together ever since. Everyone tells me that they are in a "high school" type of relationship, nothing really of substance. However, they are attached to each other because she likes the companionship. They say that she is convinced that she is in love with him. When they first got together, I confronted her about it and owned up to everything that I had done, and apologized profusely. She knew I didn't mean to hurt her, because I really didn't. I had never been in a serious relationship before and didn't know how to handle it. I told her I was still in love with her, but she forced herself to say that she wasn't still in love with me, although she was in tears as she said it. She wanted to give this guy a chance, and didn't want to risk her emotions again at such a vulnerable time. I understood and stepped back from the picture.Anyhow, a year and a half has passed and they are still complacent together. She is going to graduate in May, and so is he. He has made no future plans with her, and he is planning on going to grad school far away from here. She will not go with him unless they are married, and no such plans have been made. I would think they would have been made by now if they were going to. It goes to say that I am still in love with this girl. I have tried seeing other people, I have tried avoiding her at all costs, I have gotten rid of any evidence of her and nothing has worked. I still think about her every day when I wake up and go to sleep. I am deeply emotionally attached to her, despite my efforts not to be because it really hurts. I still want nothing but the best for her, even if I am not meant for her. I don't know what to do now, or what I can do. We went a year without talking because neither one of us could handle seeing each other. We have started talking again, and have even gone to dinner and hung out a few times. We get along great and still have quite a connection, even though she is still with this other guy. What should I do? I don't feel like I should spend any more time waiting for her, but my heart seems to want me to. No matter what I do, she has remained in my heart and mind, even after a year of no contact whatsoever. I am really scared that someone has this kind of influence on me, but I also feel warm inside knowing that I can feel this way about someone.I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if I have a choice. Seeing other people hasn't helped, so I guess I will just have to ride this out.Any thoughts would be appreciated...I am emotionally spent on this issue for right now.. :-\
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Purple +, writes (28 December 2005):
The question you should really ask yourself is whether you are REALLY ready to get back into a steady relationship with this girl. A lot of verbal promises can be made but if you have none of it in your heart, you will end up hurting her and yourself again. The scenario remains the same as when you both started like a bolt of lightning the first time. The both of you were not ready, not ready to handle or manage the emotions involved. Any solid act of love is based on true acts and conviction. If you ready to love her, it will show and she needn't be so afraid of trying to be with you again. Her infactuation with the other guy is probably due to less strain in the relationship as there are no expectations and commitments. You still have a chance. Show yourself you really do care for her and show her the same. Be prepared. Handle it with love and not over-expectations. Loving each other does not mean there will be zero quarrels. It means knowing how to complement one another. Remember how happy she has made you. Those are the things that attracted you to her. Bring those feelings back. And I am sure it will bring hers back too.
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