| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: My fiance' and I have a wonderful loving relationship. However, whenever we argue our tempers always seem to get the best of us. A problem can begin as a simple disagreement and quickly escalate into a major argument for no justifiable reason. We would like to learn techniques for controlling our anger during times of disagreement so we may stay focused on the real issue and diffuse it before the situation spirals out of control.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, becky05 +, writes (10 July 2005):
try to avoid situations that make you argue. If you feel yourself getting into an argument, stop. She wont be able to argue with herself. Take a couple of minutes to go over the situation in your head, if its really not worth arguing about, say this top her then walk away.
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (10 July 2005):
 I just answered a question under the question that said her boyfriend never admits he is wrong and she ends up apologizing. For the full method see my answer there. But here is some of the long post:
Here is what I am practicing. First, no other person is responsible for anything unless they are absolutely trying to harm another. Intent is key since they must have pre-knowledge of how they affect others.
So, since I have been trying to practice this, no one has been to blame for hurting me but me. This is because I do not know evil people. They might behave in ways that I perceive to be harmful, but that is only MY perception.
I must double check that I am correct by addressing the behavior and the perceptions that I have of them. So I say, for example, " when you roll your eyes as I talk about my ideas, I feel sad because I feel you don't value what I have to say. Do you value my input?"
They may not realize that they are doing it and think I am talking too much (guilty as charged!) Or usually it is because they perceive something different. For example, they say " I do value you, but I thought you were coming out to yell at me about ..."
The point is that no one has to admit exactly what I think they are guilty of. And I can have an affect on how safe others feel around me in times of stress.
Keep your talks to your emotions. Never ask why. Why? because that IS asking for blame and it is asking for trouble... or lies. No one can be perfect and when they are caught furthering their own causes, to put them on the defensive, well makes them defensive. Defensive never admits to wrong.
Instead, say can you help me understand____? Try not to use anger as a cover all emotion. Anger can mask sadness, fear, neediness etc. Usually, we are to embarassed to admit that but unless directly attacked anger is usually not the real issue.
...............................
|
