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female
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writes: Hi everybody. I found this page as a first step to try to salvage my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and known him for 5. I love him dearly but lately we've been arguing a lot and I feel that he doesn't trust me anymore. My biggest problem with him is that he never admits to doing anything wrong. If I complain to him about something that bothers me about him, he manages to turn it around so that it is always my fault - and always manages to make me feel guilty and I always end up apologising. I can never feel totally comfortable with him, because I know that he is also always ready to attack me whenever I do something wrong. He's always complaining that I don't listen to him, which in reality I do all the time.... What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2005): For some people, the first reaction to a problem is to find someone to blame. Blaming is a defense mechanism to avoid taking personal responsibility for the situation. The blamer rapidly finds fault in the other person and criticizes them. Trying to find a solution to the problem is much better than looking for someone to blame. Blaming is a negative behaviour pattern in some relationships that keeps people from becoming closer. People who blame others or situations without taking responsibility for their contribution to the problem never get the sense of satisfaction of growth. By refusing to see their own errors, they lose the opportunity to change the very aspects of themselves that keep them stuck. We are as healthy ss we are ready to take responsibility for our own thoughts and behaviors!
Your b/f need to understand that his own life is his responsibility. Like all of us he has to learn to deal with his own failures, his own faults as a human and quit playing the blame game with you. That's cruel and emotionally damaging. He has the freedom to choose the best of the options he has in any given circumstances, to choose the correct response as well as the right action. He has the power to control his thoughts and his actions and he can mould them in whatever way he wants to.
So if something goes wrong, instead of blaming you, he has to look within himself and find out what went wrong. Using his best wisdom and ability to listen to himself, find out which weaknesses in his personality are contributing to the problem. What he is doing is wrong...if he keeps up the behaviours and is unwilling to change then you may have to consider getting away from the pain and hurt of his damaging behaviour, for a while until he can get it together. Stay healthy. Do what's best for you. Stop apologizing , expecially if you have nothing to apologize for. He should be the one saying he's sorry to you...for treating you this way. I really hope he can see that he has positive choices in life he can make..
one choice in being he can see his fault of blaming others and he can make changes within himself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2005): if he doesnt want to admit that hes wrong, that probably means that he is controlling. i dont think that you would want a guy in the end thaqt tells the waiter what you will be eating, and telling you when to do things, and just yell at you saying that you do everything wrong. the choice is yours, but i think that you should break it off with him good luck~Robin~
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (10 July 2005):
 Ah, the blame game... What if we, as selfishly motivated humans were all to blame, or more likely, no one is absolutely to blame?
In fact, what good is blame anyway. It is an after the fact activity meant to displace responsibility to any place but one self.
Here is what I am practicing. First, no other person is responsible for anything unless they are absolutely trying to harm another. Intent is key since they must have pre-knowledge of how they affect others.
So since I have been trying to practice this, no one has been to blame for hurting me but me. This is because I do not know evil people. They might behave in ways that I perceive to be harmful, but that is only MY perception.
I must double check that I am correct by addressing the behavior and the perceptions that I have of them. So I say, for example, " when you roll your eyes as I talk about my ideas, I feel sad because I feel you don't value what I have to say. Do you value my input?"
They may not realize that they are doing it and think I am talking too much (guilty as charged!) Or usually it is because they perceive something different. For example, they say " I do value you, but I thought you were coming out to yell at me about the dishes and I was laughing at my self for being so high strung."
The point is that no one has to admit exactly what I think they are guilty of. And I can have an affect on how safe others feel around me in times of stress.
Keep your talks to your emotions. Never ask why. Why, because that IS asking for blame and it is asking for trouble or lies. No one can be perfect and when they are caught furthering their own causes, to put them on the defensive, well makes them defensive. Defensive never admits to wrong.
Instead, say can you help me understand____? Try not to use anger as a cover all emotion. Anger can mask sadness, fear, neediness etc. Usually, we are to embarassed to admit that but unless directly attacked it usually is the real issue.
You sound as if you feel like you are not prized and respected by your boyfriend. Or like he thinks he is better or smarter than you. If that is true, sit with that and ponder how you feel about that. He probably is in permenant defense position for now, but if you can make yourself vulnerable and even make it clear to him that he has the power to hurt you as you confide in him, he will be less likely to do so.
If he blames you, say "I am sorry you feel that way...". This accepts no blame but validates his thoughts as important to at least hear. If he thinks one way, it does not make it so. You already think he is wrong. So now what?
Try to renegotiate a new style of negotiating. Research conflict management and tell him you would like to try a new approach.
With some practice, he will probably feel safe enough to admit wrong doing. Particularly since that won't mean he is a jerk. It could only be he was not perfectly thinking of you at all times and does not want you to think he is bad. He probably does that so you will not abandon him, or hate him, or think he is weak. Weakness is why, in my opinion, men have a tougher time with this in the first place!
Finally, have a notebook to jot down any tangent arguements that might come up so that you can deal with one thing at a time. So if the problem is that he ruined your laundry after you told him not to wash the colors in hot, 20 times, and he says well your such a slob that you should be happy he helps, write down the slob issue and ask that that be the next topic. That way you will be able to solve one issue at a time. Have the complainee recite the problem in their own words until they convey the problem from the complainers point of view perfectly. That ensures listening. When a resolution is found, both should recite that so that expectations are equal and known. What if you have not been talking about the same things all along? What if he is fed up and you don't seem to care about that. When you say it to him, as he would, he will not say you don't listen. He will feel valued and validated. So will you.
Good luck and go make some win/win goals for your future communications. An don't expect you will, or he will do this perfectly! NO one can!
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