A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so unhappy. My fiance wants me to get married in a Catholic church (I am an atheist), in India (where he is from) - as opposed to Scotland (where we have both lived for years) which means my parents won't be able to attend and it'll be very difficult/stressful to get it organised. My fiance doesn't ever listen to me, and he just gets angry with me when I get upset about these things. I do love him but I can't carry on like this! It's making me thoroughly depressed... please can you help me? I don't know what to do!Best wishes,Hannah
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Thank you for your responses. It is very kind of you to give up your time and effort to help... and I really appreciate it.
We have pretty much decided that we will marry in a Catholic church, over here in Scotland. This is fine... however I'm having serious doubts about whether the wedding should go ahead at all! I do love him but the main reason I said yes to marrying him is that he is a kind, good person but I've been seeing a COMPLETELY different side of him over the past few months (becoming angry/aggressive, etc). I don't feel that I can just simply call off the engagement (and I'm not sure that I want to) and I find him impossible to speak to as he just gets defensive and argumentative when I try to raise any issues.
Please help!!!!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Hannah,
I suppose he wants to marry you in a Catholic ceremony for religious reasons. If he's at least a Sunday Catholic, he won't give in as to this. Since you love him and want to marry him, I think that maybe you can see this marriage the way my grandfather, also an atheist, attended religious events of any sort: "This is nothing to me, but it's important for them and I love them".
Perhaps, deep down, you see this as an attempt to force you into religion. I would oppose this, too, if this were the case; and I'm Catholic, too.
Living in a country of migrants, I have seen many people, Catholic or not, who come back to marry. Marriage is very important for them and they want to do it in their land of origin. I suppose this is his reason to want to go back to India. However, you do have a point: it would be very expensive to go to India, your parents would not be able to attend, and getting the ceremony organized would be difficult.
If I were you, I would compromise: I would marry Catholic (which anyways means nothing to you) IN SCOTLAND. I suppose it's easier for him to bring his parents into Scotland than to have you, him and your parents fly to India.
I think marriage is about compromise, and both him and you should do that. I would compromise about the religious ceremony.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, humble  +, writes (22 July 2007):
I know marriage is about compromise. Your fiance doesn't seem too willing to compromise, here, and you're not even married yet. This is a bad sign.Is there any chance you can discuss this with his mother? Does she speak any of the same languages as you? Do you two get along? I'm thinking he's so adamant about a Catholic church in India because he wants to please his parents. If you can get his parents on your side, I think you'll have a good chance of making a decent compromise, like perhaps a Catholic church in Scotland, or a park or hall in India.
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