A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just want to know what both you male and females think about this. I am getting married in 2010, and me and my partner have been together for 3 years. He said to me the other day that his mate (who i dont really like because ever since i was introduced to him, he has cheated on every single girlfriend he has had-and had about 3 at the same time-and still cheated on them!) ..well his mate said that he wanted to organise my fiance's stag do, and suggested Vegas- of which my fiance was well up for. Then after talking about this, I told him that i thought it would cost too much money as we are getting married in America anyway and can't afford to spend thousands on stag do's. My fiance then told me he wanted to travel accross America for 2 weeks or something for his stag do instead- as its something he's always wanted to do- (hiring a car and just driving to wherever ect ect). Again i told him that i thought that this was too much money to be spending. I am not even bothered about having a Hen party, as i would rather put more money into our wedding day/honeymoon fund, but i really want him to have what he wants. He would only be going with his brother and this mate. But the thing is, im scared about the idea really.. i cant really explain it, i know its not about being scared of him cheating or anything, but its a feeling along them lines. I cant understand why he doesnt want something small and more affordable over in the UK, instead of travelling thousands of miles and costing thousands. What does actually happens on stag parties? Dancing and strip clubs do nothing for my fiance'-so i know that he wouldnt be interested in going to them, but i know his brother and mate would.
View related questions:
fiance, money, stag , wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): PS: Replacement, I know a lot about men, I'm kind of a tomboy, I spend a lot of time with guys and am proud to call them my friends. My experience is an 18year perfectly happy relationship, 10years of living together and the fact that every man I've been intimate with is proud to call me a friend...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): Hi Replacement,
We must live in very different worlds. I've yet to meet one heterosexual guy who finds looking at wedding dresses, cakes and Wedding magazines fun. But hey, different strokes for different folks. If you and your male friends find wedding stationery, cakes and dress interesting, then that's fine by me. In my world, guys like wedding nights and they love making women happy. They love the stag night, they love the wedding day, they get dressed up in a suit and pay money. That's all they contribute. If you ask them what colour the flowers should be, or what dress you prefer they smile nicely and then they fall asleep. That's what happens in my world, but you and your friends are different and your opinion on the world is very welcome, cause we are all different and people need various opinions to get the best advice...
Thanks Uncle Phil for your suggestions. In this case a small stag weekend nearer home, somewhere like France, Amsterdam (drugs, prostitutes and museums) or somewhere in Europe should work well.
Ms anonymous, thanks for the update. Now I understand that it's the so-called friend your worried about. Yes bad friends are a problem. You can't trust him to keep your man safe, but if the brother will be there surely things will be OK. Why not talk to the brother and help him plan a stag night that you feel will be appropriate. You should also set down some rules.. No going to jail, no sex, no kissing and no touching. That's fair. Then he can go and have fun, and if anything happens the brother will tell you and you can call the wedding off, until your man learns to behave and follow the rules. Men need to have fun too, I don't want you two fighting before the bloody wedding, you need to learn to communicate and compromise because marriage is hard.
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 September 2008):
 Yikes, DiovanLestat, what kind of married men do you know?
I get so fed up of hearing this crap about men hating this and woman hating that and all this bullshit. I feel like everyone out there is basing their opinions of the sexes on cartoons and sitcoms. Since when do men hate weddings? I've had a LOT of my male friends get married about 90% of them were just as excited about it as their fiance- they looked forward to it a lot more than their stag party- as it was the day they made a formal commitment to the woman they were in love with. These aren't feminine guys either, just men who were really in love, and eager to show their commitment to their bride. Not to mention the honeymoon, of course men look forward to this stuff. Marriage isn't the prison it's portrayed as, so long as you're getting with the right girl. I've only ever known one man who hated his wedding, and guess what, the marriage didn't last very long. If you're not excited (as a man or a woman) to be getting married to the one you've chosen to marry then maybe you have chosen the wrong one. I'm just saying. I'm planning on proposing to my girlfriend soon, and I'm excited for the idea of getting married, going on a great honeymoon full of sand, sea, great sex, all of it. The stag will be more for my single friends than for me (as they'd be pissed if I didn't do one), I haven't spared a thought to it. I figure they can plan it, I'll make an appearance at it, and then go back home to my place so I can focus on writing wedding vows so I can show her how much I love her.
Now that I'm done that rant, I'll just say this- a 2 week vacation in America would be expensive especially given the price of gas these days- so maybe you should come up with a stag party budget. Also, if he's worried about losing his freedom and fun with his mates after the wedding (which it sounds like) you should reassure him that he'll still be able to hang out with them, that marriage doesn't mean the end of his friendships, so he doesn't have to do anything quite so elaborate, there will be time for that in the future when you're not so strapped for cash. Weddings and honeymoons are expensive enough without adding a 2 week long overseas roadtrip into the mix. Not to mention, there's not much in America that's not in the UK- if he wants strip clubs, they exist in the UK as well, and lets face it, a stripper is a stripper, there's no such thing as a special one, they all look pretty much alike no matter what side of the pond you're on.
As for what happens at stag parties, nowadays it seems that anything goes. I've heard of (but never been to) stag parties where they hire hookers to perform sex acts on the men, or to perform sex acts on one another (like a lesbian show). Often at stag parties the groom to be will somehow end up cheating on his fiance, I've seen this two or three times, it usually happens if the groom gets too drunk and no one bothers to stop him. So you do have reason to worry about these things, but typically I guess that men will either go to a strip club, get a few lap dances, or hire a stripper to come to their house... she'll get naked, dance around for half an hour (or how ever long you've paid for) and then pack up her shit and go. Then the men get really drunk and have a laugh. It's pretty innocent, not much to say, really.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): By the way, I totally trust my fiance, and he trusts me all the same. It's not like I don't let him do anything or go out at all, I have never said I dont want him going out ect- and we have a relationship built on trust and honesty. I have always been happy for him to go out and do what he wants because i trust him, and likewise he is fine when i go out because he trusts me. He does understand that what he wants to do is expensive and had realised that he can't expect his brother and mate to pay to go to both the stag party and the wedding. I just don't trust his mate- I think thats what is getting to me. His mate is very loud mouthed, causes fights and my fiance is the opposite to him- (sometimes its hard to see what made them become mates! heh!) And they tend to have an on-off man friendship thing-one day they'll go out, then they wont talk for ages and dont like each other! I just think about his mate getting them into trouble and that whilst in a different country. And I dont want a big fancy wedding and a big posh honeymoon actually- its all very low key- its only expensive because we want it in a different country so it can be more intimate and not have a hundred guests over here at the wedding who just sit and lap up the free food and drink and dont give a toss.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): Thank your lucky stars he's not going to Prague, which is a lot closer to home, and a lot more interesting than anything America has to offer!
Alcohol is a substance known to induce brewer's droop and distiller's dangle, so if he gets rat-arsed it's unlikely he'll get laid as well. Mind you, if he got laid first he could get rat-arsed afterwards.
Let's face it, this all boils down to trust. If you don't trust him why are you marrying him?
I totally agree with Diovan - she thinks with a 'man brain', it's a shame a lot more women are not of the same mind as her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (21 September 2008):
 Blimey i read one of the posts in reply to your question and thought it was some arrogant bloke then was shocked to see it was a female, this is not all about you honey, there is nothing wrong about wanting your wedding day to be perfect, after all it is the most important day of your life. You are not being unreasonable by saying you don't want him to go on a stag do for 2 weeks, over here it is a generally a weekend and that is absolutely fine. As you say this would cost a lot of money and why should it be wasted on your partner getting shit faced. That is selfish, marriage is about give and take and he should listen to how you feel, you have said you are fine with him having a stag do in the UK, he needs to compromise. Good luck. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (21 September 2008):
Blimey i read one of the posts in reply to your question and thought it was some arrogant bloke then was shocked to see it was a female, this is not all about you honey, there is nothing wrong about wanting your wedding day to be perfect, after all it is the most important day of your life. You are not being unreasonable by saying you don't want him to go on a stag do for 2 weeks, over here it is a generally a weekend and that is absolutely fine. As you say this would cost a lot of money and why should it be wasted on your partner getting shit faced. That is selfish, marriage is about give and take and he should listen to how you feel, you have said you are fine with him having a stag do in the UK, he needs to compromise. Good luck. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 September 2008):
 I know exactly what is making you uneasy, and I do think that in the scale of things, wanting such an extravagant trip - 2 weeks, on another continent - sort of suggests he thinks he isn't going to get the chance to do this once you're married. Why don't you suggest he has a normal stag night in the uk, and then goes on holiday with his brother/friend AFTER the wedding?? Why does he need to go before?? And to make it a STAG trip? And yes, of course, on stag dos men get v pissed and do, sometimes, sleep with other women. Ogling is ok, but sleeping with ... I'd be gutted. He shouldn't want to. He should love you. That's how I'd feel.
But I'd probably say 'yes, sure, you must go! what a great idea!' because i know saying no would make him react even more. This is his 'bid for freedom', so you have to be v careful about how you play it, otherwise he might go off a lifetime of (captivity) with you ...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): Boy.. you don't sound a lot of fun. You better lighten up before your fiancee runs off. You want a big fancy wedding, you want a posh honeymoon. Everything is about you, men hate weddings, they find it boring. He wants to do one thing, he wants to have a good stag do with his friends and you don't want that. Is everything in your relationship always centred on you. The stag do is the only fun that men get, you trust your guy, he only wants to have fun with his mates. You want a big wedding, you want everything to be perfect, but you've forgotten the most important thing. Marriage is about making your partner happy, it's about sharing and carrying and doing nice things for each other. Cancel the stag do, tell him to go to the pictures with his mates, then you can have your big fancy wedding, but don't be surprised if he forgets to turn up.
...............................
|
