A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are both divorced. His ex is very close with his family. His family feels obligated to invite her to every function because she has no family in the state and no friends. She has lived her over twenty years so go figure. I am ok with her being there but sometimes it gets to be a little much because everyone seems to be running around making sure that she is ok. I think it would've been nice if she didn't attend Father's Day and gave my fiance sometime alone with his family. My problem is that when discussing this with my fiance he doesn't understand why I feel uncomfortable. He thinks that I am "crazy" for thinking that this situation is strange and that this is how he pictured it. I don't think I am crazy and think that I have done a great job accepting this for three years. Am I wrong to think that somewhere down the line he and I will have our time with the family without her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I'd say either she stops going or you do! Seriously she needs to butt out. And I'm concerned that your partner is dismissing you as 'crazy' for something perfectly normal
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 November 2009):
 I can understand your discomfort. My initial reaction would be the same. And of course you know your husband's side of why they split, so that probably makes it more difficult.
On the other hand, when couples marry it's usual for one side of the family to dominate. I'm thoroughly integrated into my wife's extended family after 25 years; I'd be a bit lost without that connection. It sounds like your fiance's family are good people that she's still being made welcome.
Bottom line -- he's comfortable with it. So best you start thinking of her like another of his cousins and forget the history.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (19 November 2009):
 This is a tough situation. Do they have children together? This would make more sense if they do.
I agree with sarcy24. It is inadvisable for you to stop attending events altogether and you've already stated your point with your husband, so continuing to keep it going will only weaken your position and make YOU seem like the problem, not her or the rest of the family.
You might try befriending her. Perhaps if you could see her as a member of the family or at least a close family friend of yours as well, you will be able to better ignore how odd that situation is.
Your fiancé is lucky to have you. Good luck and do your best to enjoy all of the upcoming holidays.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): There's one big reason that his ex shouldn't be invited to family functions - they aren't married anymore. Try explaining it to him this way... He should be more concerned at how you feel around the holidays than making sure that his ex isn't lonely! Ask him to put your needs first! She's a grown woman and can take care of herself; there's absolutely no reason that after the divorce she couldn't have moved on and created her own support system. Good luck and talk to him before the holidays arrive!
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (19 November 2009):
 I think you are a saint and I would have stopped going to these events long ago. You are proving that you really love your fiance by doing this. I think if your fiance asked his friends their opinion on this they would all think it very strange. In an ideal world it would be great if we could all get along but in reality this isn't often the case. You are in a very difficult situation here because if you put your foot down and say that you don't want her there you make yourself look mean spirited especially as she has no family herself and undoubtedly that kind of comment would be frowned upon. I think sadly this is a grin and bare it situation. Hopefully when the ex finds a new love she will stop attending. The ex herself must think that you can't like the situation very much or maybe she is just too thick skinned to think of it. Apart from stopping attending yourself which wouldn't benefit you and in a way would make her 'win' there is nothing you can do other than bite your lip and put up with it especially as your fiance does not see where you are coming from nor does he want to alter the usual pattern of events.
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