A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:what does one u do or should do when ur significant other sabotages the relationship to get it their way. i mean, my fiance threatens to break off the relationship when he doesn't get it his way, so i always give in for him. what can i do about this? ive tried communicating this issue but he's just sarcastic with me.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 If nothing changes in your relationship you will continue to enable your guy's belligerent behaviour.
Imagine a life where he is your entire support system - that is, you have no friends or other outlet for support. You're headed that way if you're not there already.
The time has come to stop complaining and moaning about your situation. There is a future of endless possibilities for you. Are you willing to do what it takes to get to that future?
Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (26 June 2007):
 I would seriously think about ending it with this guy. It's not fair for him to get his own way all the time. And there will come a point where you can't give in to him. He needs to grow up and realise he can't have his own way all the time as that isn't a partnership.
You can do so much better than someone who likes to go around bullying you!
xxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 My ex-husband was the same way. He would threaten divorce when he wasnt getting enough sex, when I wouldnt give him moeny to run his business, when I wouldnt buy him the hot tub he wanted. He would call me names, belittle me, refuse to spend time with me (would convieniently forget or be too busy to do some activity, but always had time for his friends) and even stop speaking to me altogether. He would cow me into doing whatever he wanted to 'prove' I loved him. He became increasingly verbally abusive and even became sexually abusive wich he saw only as asserting his 'rights' I couldnt stand it! I told him I would never leave him and that gave him too much power. He could be as abusive and demanding as he wanted, he knew I would never leave. But he finally went too far when he told me he didnt love me and never had. That finally cracked my resolve and for the first time I actually considered divorce. Once that door was opened it was impossible to close and I fantisized my divorce for months before I finally had the guts to actually file for divorce. It took anther 8 months to get up the strength and guts to leave him(the very final straw was when he hit my son),but I finally did and I AM SO GLAD!!! Since I filed for divorce he had proven to me over and over how very right I was to leave him. I wish I had done it sooner and not wasted so much of my life and my love on this unworthy man. After the divorce he said he didnt really mean all those horrid things, but it was too late. I guess my point is, it will only get worse. Marriage doesnt change things or make things better, it intensifies what you already have. And if what you have is rotten or abusive, you will have MORE rotten and abusive after you say "I do".
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (22 June 2007):
 Also, you said that you always give in to whatever he wants. Well, this is unhealthy - look how you feel. You need to break the pattern and stop giving in. If he doesn't like it, then too bad. There's always compromising so you both get a little of what you both want. That's how things work in the world, in ALL relationships. And if he wants to split after you put your foot down about having a compromise (which isn't even completely your way), then I think you're honestly better without him.
I know that you might not think so, especially for the first few weeks or even months of him not being there, but you'll be glad you're not stuck in this kind of relationship later in life.
I have one more thing to suggest: go back and read your question as if it's not posted by you. What would you recommend this person do? What advice would you give someone in this relationship? Would you tell her to keep giving in? Would you tell her to be assertive and only agree to compromises? Would you tell her to get rid of the jerk? Honestly think about it. Sometimes the best advice is the advice we give ourselves...but we have to follow through with it.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (22 June 2007):
The easiest thing to do (and what I would actually recommend) would be to leave him. He's being disrespectful to you and relationship and so many different levels that I can't even being to fathom how he became your fiance, let alone your boyfriend.
But let's get serious here - you don't want to leave him right now or else you would have done that instead of ask what could be done. You say that you've tried to tell him about his actions, but that it just results in sarcastic comments. I think the next step would be couples counseling. I think that you both need it, but he needs it big time (I'm not going to get into why since it's rather obvious).
I'm wondering if the method of talking with him that you're using is not ideal. When you talk with him, is it at a point when you are both not angry? When you bring up his controlling behavior, do you sound calm and collected or are you raving mad? There is a definite difference between being angry and being assertive. Also, do you focus on what he is doing or do you focus on how his actions make you feel? You might get farther in the conversation by saying "I feel irritated and hurt when you say that you'll break up with me instead of talk things out" instead of saying "You are driving me crazy all the time by saying you're going to leave!"
Have you tried to compromise with each other? If you have and he refuses to do so, that's something that should be brought up in counseling. He has to realize that the relationships is not about "me, me, me" but it's about "us." Each person should have an equal say in the relationship and each person should respect the other and be respected by the other. Is there a reason why it should be any other way? Doing so will only lead to each person harboring feelings of resentment, don't you think?
So, for the time being I *would* call off the wedding as he keeps saying. You two need to get some things in order before marriage is even talked about. If you can't get together as a couple before a wedding, why would it be any better or different afterwards. This is the point in time when you're supposed to be glowing! Not ready to be at each other's throats.
Like I said, counseling.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, miss fit +, writes (22 June 2007):
reader anonymous has got the right idea. this guy is a controlling freak who thinks he can rely on you never leaving. he doesn't value your relationship like he should
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 June 2007):
 You are in a relationship with a three-year old toddler at the supermarket chocolate counter...unfortunately he is in a man's body! Marriage is very much about compromise and mutual acceptance and you shouldn't possibly consider getting married to someone with such an attitude because it is doomed to failure or your personal misery (probably both!). He doesn't respect you and he knows that you roll over like a puppy every time there is a conflict. He hasn't handled that maturely and instead prefers to use it as a means of personal advantage. I would seriously consider your future with this man. Being single is far better than being with a selfish pig. Next time he asks you to pack your bags do it...leave him and then set down your demands for reconciliation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): Re to my first post: Just yesteday,we've gone to see a venue and after it I askd him if he wil know when he'll be back home today since he's attending a work event in the evening. I live with him, and me asking him about something like this hasnt been a problem before till recent. He reacts strongly to me asking, and just frets up and being like "maybe you should pack and get out" or "i wish i cheated on" and hrs later once he calms down, he apologizes for what he says. While, in my mind, im stuck, whats going on since he frets up out of a simple and small question that anyone else wouldnt have a problem answering. beacuse I asked he threatened to break off. AM I GOING OUT OF MY MIND??? whats the norm?
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A
female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (22 June 2007):
 if he truely loves you, would he do this to you?if you get married do u think the situation would be any better? or would it make it worse?My advice would be leave before it gets anyworse, he may say he does it cos he he loves you but he's playing mind games with u.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (22 June 2007):
 Oh my god what a bully, like the others have said he will carry on and he will do that because you are letting him, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that has that much power over you.
Tell him he can not keep blackmailing you in this way just so he gets what he wants and if he does not stop it will be you that will break off the engagement, and if he does not stop then you have to follow through with it as hard as it may be.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 Hi
let me ask you this: how much longer do you think u can putup with his bullying attitude? because belive me it will not end here it will go on and on even when u are married. remember people dont change over night and when u are married you will be at each other's space where he will blacmail you day n night. do u think u will be intolerant? judge for yourself. your fince need to grow up and start understanding that relationship is about partnership where both partners must be equally satisfied. its not about who wins the argument its anout what is best for both of u.
calm yourself down and confront him, make him listen to you and tell him your conditions as well, both of you should be happy when a decision is taken .
Jovial
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): Why don't you threaten him to try his method and see what he does; it seems he wants someone to boss arond and you should tell that you will not allow him to do that to you and if he doesn't like then it's too bad, cause you can't stay in a relationship where you are unhappy it would never work out.And if he doesn't wanna change he is not worth you love and time
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