A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I know snooping etc and everything is not a good thing and I guess I wouldn't normally but the opportunity arose as my other half left his email open and I couldn't help it......my fiance had dogs with his ex wife and as far I knew they still communicate about the dogs etc and I guess general chit chat although he tells me they hardly speak..So out of curiousity I put her name in the search and looked at what came up...so he like sends her these lengthy mails with kisses at the end to which she replies to but no kisses and also they are normally very short so I kind of feel he is trying to keep their friendship going which (and this may be me being paranoid) is making me think he is still in to her? Would anyone else think this? I can be a bit sensitive as was cheated on in the past so I'm the first to admit I do have issues trusting people...Also, there was a time earlier in the year she hadn't responded to him and I saw the mails when i looked saying how worried he was that she hadn't replied to him texting her about sending a 'monkey' search party out...I can only assume that was a nickname he had for her...but I was thinking well if you only talk animals etc and everything else is over why would he care so much that he hadnt heard anything? Please be brutally honest, would you think your partner still had feelings for the ex if he was acting in this way or am I just being a bit over sensitive...Not sure if I should bring it up with him or not? Obv if I do then he will know I looked...
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ex-wife, fiance, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I don't understand why you feel guilty about looking at his email? There shouldn't be anything in there that you can't see anyway. There shouldn't be any secrets in marriage. Ever.
I understand that he considers the dogs his children, cool, he still shouldn't be sending her emails with kissy faces anywhere in that email. That's inappropriate and disrespectful to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): "the only annoying thing about this is the dogs are quite sick and for us to ever go away or anything the only person he'd want to leave them with is her so its a bit of a double edged sword as I cant tell him to completely cut contact..."If my husband and I were to divorce (and we came really close a few years ago) and stay friends, you can bet that the only person I would trust to look after our dogs (if I had them after the divorce) would be him. Like someone earlier said - dogs are family, and people often consider themselves not as owners but as "pet parents." People can be as picky about who looks after their dogs as their kids. And thus it's only natural that the only person he would trust with their sick dog is her.i think you're reading more into this than there is. If it's based on the dogs, then she's more of a family member than a romantic interest. It would be like if he wanted his mom to look after the sick dog because he doesn't trust anyone else, that sort of feeling.many people feel that one should not have any contact with an ex whatsoever. I happen to not feel that way. I happen to think that people should trust their partners. A relationship should be freeing not a prison. it should not be dictating who you can and can't be friends with. If he wants to be friends with his ex, he should be allowed to, because friendship isn't cheating. if you really can't handle it, then maybe it's best to break up. It just isn't fair to you to be constantly worrying and resorting to snooping in his emails and other invasions of privacy. And it isn't fair to him to have to give up his beloved dog for you. The dog won't live forever, surely you can wait until the poor animal passes on?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): The way I see it an ex is an ex never a friend you can always make friends with anyone so why people insist on clinging on to people they have had a serious past with is beyond me I aren't saying they should be hostile but anything other than a how are you etc is a red flag because in most cases old feelings are soon to return especially in a moment of weakness/after an argument with the current partner. Confront him and if he respects your relationship he will stop talking to her why would he still need her in his life anyway, people really don't know how good they have it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Thank you for your responses....yes on the dog front I've never understood it fully but he does see animals like his children (now that she has her own whilst she might have before she doesn't so much, although I guess she is a vet nurse)....the only annoying thing about this is the dogs are quite sick and for us to ever go away or anything the only person he'd want to leave them with is her so its a bit of a double edged sword as I cant tell him to completely cut contact...I tried to tell him last night that I felt I wasn't the most important person to him and my feelings towards his ex (although I was not fully forthcoming as to why I thought that as you're right he would have tried to turn it on me and the conversation would have been then 'how can he trust me!') ...he said I was the love of his life and that he does not feel anything for these people....yet the evidence speaks for itself....I'm convinced he's still into her even though she has clearly moved on and happy with his new life (you were right she did leave him and it was for another guy but if someones going do that there must be something they aren't happy with)...is there anything I can do aside from showing him the emails I saw (I logged out of it as felt guilty for looking so I can't get back in without saying anything :-/)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): He is allowed to be friends with her. And friends have a right to email and chit chat with each other and be concerned if the other stops responding. Unless you saw romantic or sexual words exchanged between them, he isn't doing anything wrong. Dogs are part of the family but unlike with human kids when a couple divorces usually one partner gets sole custody (joint custody of pets is rare though I had a friend who tried it). This means the other partner misses their dog and the dog misses them. Why shouldn't they be allowed to stay in touch because of the dogs? Please stop snooping in his email. If you have a problem with him, "woman up" and take it to him first. Base your relationship on what is out in the open. If he is indeed keeping secrets from you, they will surface eventually. But don't go fishing for secrets as that takes on a "guilty until proven innocent " tone that will skew your entire relationship as you will become more and more paranoid, not less. You will next start snooping in his phone and facebook. You will misconstrue things you find.
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A
female
reader, Dawnielou +, writes (28 July 2013):
Does sound strange and he seems to be more interested in her than vice versa. Why have chats anyway? Couples who have split generally only have contact when there are children involved and even then its fairly limited. Ask him why there is the need for this contact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): he's confused and a total moron
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 July 2013):
Yes, all of this raises a very large and waving red flag. They still talk about their dogs they had together? Really. Okay, I guess some people consider their dogs their children so I'll roll with it.
Even if they are supposedly still in contact because of the dogs, there is no reason for him to be emailing her about anything else at all unless it pertains to the dogs. Kissey faces? That is not appropriate at all for a man who is engaged to another woman.
I personally would confront him, print out the email if you have to, how can he deny that? Did the dog hack his email to talk to his mommy? I don't think so.
He sounds like he could possibly still be in to her, but since she doesn't return the kissy faces I don't think she is still into him so, on that note. Confront him about it.
By the way, when I want to look through my fiance's anything, he'll let me. We know each others passwords and phone locks and all that jazz. There should be nothing he has that you can't see. To me, if you have nothing to hide, then why don't you want me to see it? Know what I'm saying?
I'm really sorry that you are having these worries, especially about the man you're about to marry.
Confront him and see what he says, if he tries to deny he even sent the email, then you have your answer.
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A
female
reader, addicted2sweetness +, writes (28 July 2013):
 As soon as you mentioned :"...so he like sends her these lengthy mails with kisses at the end to which she replies to but no kisses" Alarm bells started ringing and yes to be very honest with you even i would feel something is definitely up in terms of his feelings still remaining strong in some sense. How long were they together for? Did things end on good/bad terms? I suppose you might have two optionsA. Be honest and tell him that you came across those emails since he didnt sign out and you ended up on his account. That way maybe you can tell him and clear things off your mind and communicate your feelings and thoughts to him. Approach him calmly telling him how you feel.Or................B. Just continue as normal with this though circulating in your head thinking 101 things without finding the truth. Maybe you can bring up something about his ex wife and see how he responds reading his reaction....get him to open up somehow....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): "Please be brutally honest, would you think your partner still had feelings for the ex if he was acting in this way or am I just being a bit over sensitive..."If I were you, then I'd know that the guy with whom I am sleeping is at the very least misrepresenting his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife, and from the content of their messages I'd assume he's actively trying to win her back while she is maintaining a polite distance which would lead me to believe she dumped him, and given the tone of her responses I'd have to suspect that she had legitimate reason to do so. "Not sure if I should bring it up with him or not?"No point. He'll just lie and deny."Obv if I do then he will know I looked..."Yes, and he'll use that to turn the situation around and throw the blame back in your face.You should be trusting your own instincts and seriously reconsidering the status of your "engagement."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): if your suspicious about it then just tell him so.
your not comfortable, its bothering you and its making you crazy. if he ask why, then just be honest. your crazy jealous because you love him.
If he still continue doing it after you tell him, then you know what to do.
Its time to end things with him.
otherwise, you will end up having stress everyday
Wondering every minute, every seconds, about his ex and him.
i can't blame you.
after all boys will be boys.
Good luck.
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