A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has been disrespectful to me. Whenever we argue, he quickly storm up and get out from the room. But while he is nice, hes so thoughtful about me. I feel he has avoidant personality and doesnt have much empathy. He is not used to be like this. Years before, when im sick he will walk to my home and give me some medicines and food for me. But now, yes he is busy establishing his new business but i feel he ignore me. When im sick hes just oh what kind of sickness and just about that. Yeaterday we argued and he storm up and left me in the room. I feel so disrespected and i dont know what should i do. Hes not yet contacting me today. Should i make him jealous as i see the pattern when he got jealous he is more considerate and caring to me. I know its bad but thats the only way that effective.
View related questions:
fiance, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2016):
 It sounds like he does not like talking about his feelings. You cannot go around making him feel jealous, that is cold and calculating. Are you a very sick person? Am afraid when you are an adult you just have to get up and get on with being sick, unless off course you are terminally ill or you need a hospital. You cannot rely on him to be your mother. You need to look after yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Hi.. thanks for the replies. You're right i'm talking from my point of view and sounds like i make him sounds bad. A little about our stories : he's a liar. He lies and hides things that he thinks i wouldnt like which is most of the time is a bad thing. I have some trust issues with him in the past and cant get over it. I know hes not a saint so am i. We made mistakes but i hardly trust anyone and seems to have negative feeling toward others. He knows about this and think that i have a bad personality,difficult to deal with. He is selfish and seldom think why i can be like this. We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again. We both feel tired. I dont know how to describe his personality, i cant find a word for it. When he is in good mood and we can enjoy our togetherness we seem a happy couple and seems like i got my soulmate who loves me so much and would do everything for me. At least that is what our near family and friends think about. He would feed me the first grab of food everytime we eat, never let me to just look and accompany him when we going out for eat, always order some food for me and when i said im full he said just eat how much you could eat. Never let me home alone and everytime we argue he always try to drive fast and drop me home to stay away from me but he always act like everything is okay in front of my and his family. When we break up several years ago he also doesnt tell anybody and everyone dont know what happen although it a rough breakup. In some ways i think he is perfect partner for life as he wouldnt really left me and basically he cares about me. But its a really frustating relationshio that we always have differences and argument from small to massive problem. He doesnt like to discuss problems and choose to avoid the discussion or try to cut short by saying what do we do now? What do you want? Please give me further advices. Thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): I beg to differ.
A little jealousy as a tool of manipulation and getting your way IS necessary from time to time.
We need to keep our men in line.
And we need to show them OUR worth.
Sometimes they get lazy or complacent and forget.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): Hi
Are you perhaps using sickness as a way of getting attention? You say, 'when I'm sick' like it's a regular occurrence.
If you are, then maybe he doesn't take much notice anymore and maybe he feels fed up with having to be constantly supportive.
How about getting his attention by being positive, upbeat, fun and happy? By supporting him and pampering him?
I'm not sure if I have the correct perspective on your relationship but from what you write, I think it may be time for a change of attitude from you, rather than from him.
And no, don't ever use mind games and emotional manipulation to try and get what you want. That will never work long term because you cannot build a relationship on manipulation and lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I too have a fella who just exits stage right during an argument. And I hate it. I always feel like it's the real-life equivalent of hanging up on someone.
Here's my question. Does he leave to go and chill out for a little bit? Does he leave because he doesn't want to go into the 'red zone' and say something regrettable? Or does he leave specifically to hurt you? Or to leave the conversation and not attend to it later?
My husband tends to leave because he starts getting too emotional and defensive and knows that it's just going to go into a terrible place. He needs distance to calm down and to properly talk about an issue once he has. Though I am not that way at ALL (I just want to get it over with), I can kind of, begrudgingly, understand why he leaves. And so, after 11 years, I still struggle with, but try to give him some space to cool off before finishing our discussion.
So, I think you need to really look at WHY he leaves. When he comes back, will he have gained clarity? Or when he comes back, will he act as if nothing has happened and hope you have forgotten what you're upset about?
You seem to have legitimate problems, you're feeling a little neglected. I don't think manipulating him through games (making him jealous) is the best way - and certainly not the healthiest way - to fix your relationship. If you are going to be married, you're going to have to figure out how to communicate in a productive way.
Once you both cool down, I hope you can talk this out together. He might have some concerns too - opening up a new business I imagine is quite stressful. Maybe he also needs to talk.
Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (25 September 2016):
I ,think you should sit down and thank your lucky stars,that he has the wisdom to leave the room,and leave time between you both to calm down after arguement.Because both people can say lots of hurtful in the heat of the moment,which cannot be taken back.Perhaps it would be a good idea ,to lend him support as he is at the start of his business and could do with all the help he can get.I do not about know where you are coming from about making him jealous....this does not come into the situation at all.Would be a good idea to have a indept chat with him,and always remember that there is 2 people in a relationship,not just one. Regards NORA B.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 So what are you going to do going forwards? Make him jealous every time you don't like his attitude and think he should be "brought to heel"?I am intrigued that you see his leaving the room as a sign he is disrespecting you. What would you rather he did? Stay and argue with you? Surely you cannot see that as "respectful". My guess would be that he is leaving the room because he does NOT want to be disrespectful to you by arguing or losing his temper. It sounds to me like YOU are the problem here with your demanding behaviourWe only have your side of the story obviously, but even from that, he sounds to be under stress and you sound very demanding and self centred (setting up his own business is probably putting a lot of stress on him and your "needs", as you see them, may need to take a bit of a back seat for now). Have you tried discussing with him, at a time when you are not arguing, little things he can do to make you feel more valued while he is trying to secure a future for you both? Maybe just bringing you a little gift, or setting aside one night a week as "date night", when he can give you his undivided attention? In return, you could offer to be more supportive and less demanding at other times.
...............................
|
