A
female
age
30-35,
*ittleRobyn
writes:Ok.. so me and my fiancee have been together around 15 months, engaged since march.. i have a 21 month old child from a previous relationship, who sees my other half completely as her father, the biological one has no involvment at all. I am also 22 weeks pregnant, due in january.Sometimes he can be lovely to me.. others he isnt. he can be so up and down i never know what to expect. for a few weeks he will be loving and make me feel so special, then he will suddenly change and go all off with me. When we were first engaged, he said he wanted to get married in may. Then he changed his mind to September. Now he has changed it to January, and i am quite sure he is going to change his mind again. I dont know what to do, when he is in his lovely moods he is all for it talking about it, when he is in his off moods and i mention it all i get is 'if you keep going on about it I will change my mind' but it shouldn't be like that should it? I dont know what to do anymore, all i want is to be with this man, to be a family, but I don't want to feel used and messed around. If I'm going to be on my own with two children I would rather be completely on my own than feel like that.. not as though I'm being strung along with the whole marriage thing being told its what he wants then keep changing it ..
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 September 2010):
Hello again. Ok, so you are not living together but he stays at your house when he's back from being away with the Army. Presumably, he lives with his parents otherwise.It's quite challenging him being away for so much of the year on a regular basis.I'm sorry to say, that with men in the regular army (full time), it's very hard on relationships. The problem being, that he is away more time than he is home. Quite often these relationship just don't survive the test of time, because it's such a lonely existence - especially for the one who's waiting at home for him. It's lonely for him as well.It's really a more suitable life for a single, unattached man.I believe that he understands this, the loneliness for both of you, and perhaps doesn't want to put you through all this for the rest of his Army career.It's also possible, that maybe he is tired of being away from you, his family and friends for so much of the year. It's very disruptive to your life. All your previous friendships (before joining the Army), would kind of go by the wayside, as friendships do need regular contact to survive. So I am sure that he feels all this loneliness the same way you do. It's just a bit more isolating for him.Was it his choice to join the Army, or was it a Govt. thing - like compulsory conscription? Countries used to do this many years ago, in Australia they used to call it National Service. When young men turned 18, they were called up to do National Service for 2 years. Then after that term, it was up to them what they decided to do after that.Looking at your ages, 18-21 years, he's at an age now that normally, he would be going out with his mates and socializing and having fun, and just enjoying life. Because he's in the Regular Army, he is being denied all that, and I am sure that this must really get to him at times. Especially, when he does catch up with his mates each time he comes home - and hears what's happening in their lives.With his Army life and the restriction it places on his lifestyle, that is definitely what is making him agitated, and angry. What he feels, is resentment towards what could have been. He probably enjoys the Army, but would prefer it if it was a Monday to Friday 9-5 job. Going into the barracks, working there then coming home each night. The Regular Army doesn't really operate that way. Unless that is, you are not in an Infantry Unit - which I'm guessing that he is. Infantry, is of course "front line" - first line of defence. The really 'out there' stuff. So there's constant training required.If the consequences of being in the full-time Army, makes him so seemingly unhappy, well then it's going to reach a point where he does have to make a choice about whether to stay or leave. This seems screamingly obvious.I think you are really going to have to sit down with him and have a calm, respectful conversation about exactly what he feels about everything. Then go from there.At this point, as much as you like/love each other, a relationship and the Regular Army don't seem to be compatible. You can't ask him to make a choice between you, this puts too much pressure on him, and it might make things worse than they are. So don't go there.Ultimately, something needs to happen. He seems to want to be with you and your 21 month old daughter. He also likes the Army. The 2 situations don't blend very well.The decision is for him only, you can't force him to go one way or the other. It's his life. Only he can know what he really wants.And like I was saying in my previous posting, because being away with the Army is so full-on, and for such a long period (several months at a time), he might definitely have work/life balance issues while he's away.It does seem like he's not having enough fun in his life, anyway.And like others have said, for the moment I would not be making any definite plans to book your wedding just yet. Not at least until you both know where you stand in all this. It all needs to be decided on sooner rather than later. When you do discuss everything, you must be totally honest with each other - but don't argue over it.Hope this brings some more enlightenment to you. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, LittleRobyn +, writes (17 September 2010):
LittleRobyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt mention in the message.. he is away in the army.. has been since last november when hes back he stays at my house but apart from that hes 200 miles away x
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A
female
reader, LittleRobyn +, writes (16 September 2010):
LittleRobyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe emotional but nothing physical at all..x
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A
female
reader, stephi23 +, writes (16 September 2010):
i know exactly where ur coming from my ex was the same. im sorry to say u need to get rid off him. u dont want ur child to witness this or they will talk to u the same way he talks to u.
maybe if u dont wanna break up ask him to get help or hes going to lose evri thin.
dont think jst cos u av a child n 1 on the way u wont meet anybody else cos u will u deserve beta than that its hard work looking after children the last thing u need is him going at u xx
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Sounds like you have enough doubt in your mind right now to where you shouldn't get married. Not yet, at least. During the rough times is there abuse? Emotional or physical? Has he always been like this or is this new?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 September 2010):
Hi there. I don't think that you have mentioned it, but are you living together? I ask because, it seems like there is a fair bit of stress there now.
Your fiance has a ready-made family - a 21 month old, who is probably quite active now (running around everywhere, plenty of energy).
So when you both met, your daughter was 6 months old. Right from the beginning he has had to compete with the time that is necessary for you to care of this young child. So going by that alone, you and him have never really had a chance to get to know each other properly. You have got to like each other a lot and even love each other - enough to take it that extra step (to engagement), but still there are some gaps it seems.
For instance, every time you go out together, it's never just the two of you, it's your small daughter as well. He doesn't exactly feel left out, just that there could be so much more to your relationship. Unfortunately that can never be, as your daughter will always be there with you.
In other words, he feels as if he never has any time with you alone. Some time alone is necessary.
This is not to say anything against being a mother, but more of a comparison between two people with a child from another relationship, compared to two people who have no ties (such as a child). It does change the dynamics of relationships a lot.
There is some time you could take advantage of, when you put your daughter to bed for the night. It would be wise to create some good quality time then. You could talk about stuff, life - anything really. But make your time alone together really enjoyable and don't forget to have fun and laugh.
Perhaps you are putting some pressure on him to get married sooner, this creates some stress for him. Stress will definitely make a person restless and agitated and a bit unhappy.
Another thought worth mentioning is, do you have any time apart - to visit your own friends, or pursue hobbies and interests? It is necessary to both have your own personal space within the relationsip. It will put some balance back into your lives. It only needs to be once a week for say a couple of hours maximum. It would make such a difference.
You both need balance, and it's possible that "balance" is what is missing.
It's so important - the Work/Life Balance issue. Most of us have some level of imbalance in this area. It comes down to:-
(1) Getting all the things done that have to be done. (This is Work).
(2) Doing the things you want to do (the fun things), and doing them regularly. (This is Life - the reason that inspires us and puts the real meaning into our lives).
Try to not make your lives "all work and no play". If it is like this, it becomes very monotonous and very predictable. Life needs some excitement and unpredictability, it keeps us challenged and inspired. It brings us true joy and fulfilment. Life does need to have a sense of purpose - every single day.
I'm sure that you both will find a way to make it happen.
Look after yourselves. Take care and best wishes.
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