A
female
age
41-50,
*osey3564
writes:I am 32 and my fiance is 45, we had a baby a year ago after not being able to for many years. My fiance that I have been with for 5 years got a vasectomy behind my back 6 months after the baby was born. I would love to have another child in the future, he knew I was 27 when we started out and wanted a family possibly 2 children, but now my chances are gone forever. He keeps telling me he would consider reversing it but then changes his mind, he lies and just tells me what I want to hear which is more frustrating than ever. Feels like we just started out and already comming to and end. I feel betrayed, severed emotionally from him, we are going for conselling but not sure if it will help. He feels content because he is divorced and has 2 older kids from his prior marriage but I am still young and would love one more. Not sure if I should leave him... confused!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): He was perfectly within his rights to have a vasectomy. Whether he told you or not doesn't matter. His body, his choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Thanks guys all good advice TO THINK ABOUT , I am going to see the couseler today alone this time , The fist time we went the other day he totally lied about lyeing to me about the vasectomy , lol , was ready to jump out of my skin , then yesterday he begged me to have sex and during it said to me we could have another baby , makes me think he is lying again and just wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear to get some nookie in return , this poor counsellor has a lot on his hands....will keep you all posted....
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 I don't think he's unkind to you. Even if he stayed with you he wouldn't have any more kids. He only changes his mind because he is not ready to let you go. Love is hard to find. Considering his age, finding a woman his age without kids is hard, a younger woman wanting 2 kids, is also hard. Consider on your side, what is your chance of finding a responsible man who's single, want more children, and not mind taking care of another man's child? There are women who swear they would never want kids for personal reasons, which make me think they are kind of hard hearted. I always hear people saying, stay out of people who don't like music, animals, and children. He is done with children, with or without you. If he loves you he would let you go so you can fulfill that dream, but he wishes you would bend the rules. He is gambling that you would stay, out of love for your family.
The issue is not really having one or two children, but how he handles arguments. I agree with geegee, you having a child with him triggers the guilt that he can't love his other kids the same way. It reminds him that he is a father to them too. He doesn't sound like his mind is in the right place to get married to you, just yet. Your needs and wants are different because of your age but if you decide you want to devote to each other, these differences can be dissolved and you will feel you come together as one unit.
Overall, I think staying has more advantages than leaving. I can only think of positive things that come with taking care of the only child. Unlike China, Hong Kong encourages as many children per family, but we all grew up hearing suggestions like, only have one child so you can have more freedom for yourself and the kid can get all the love, all your attention regarding education and preparation for the future. My opinion may be biased although I think real love can survive what you are going through.
The last concern I have for you, is do you really love each other and are you both there for the right reasons? He probably is thinking, do you love him for all he is, more than just a baby maker. A person doesn't go through a painful procedure and think about reversing later.
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (11 March 2011):
 I got your message and the only positive thing I can say is that I honestly don't think he did this to hurt you. I know it's hard to see things from his eyes right now. But look at it this way, his first marriage fell apart after x amount of years, the divorce was ugly and painful, his kids no longer live with him so he can't see them everyday anymore and they blame him for leaving their mom. There is nothing more painful for a man then to see his family ripped apart, and in his mind if it happened once it COULD happen again. Not that he wants it too or won't try his best to make you happy. But half of all marriages do end in divorce and he doesn't ever want to go through that again. He is also probably worried about living long enough to see the child through his college years not to mention paying for it, since his retirement income is fixed and not going to change.
Plus he obviouslt still loves his kids from the first marriage which means that every child he has with you is like putting a knife through their hearts. He can't win either way, either he hurts you or he hurts them. And maybe he is worried that there is not going to be enough of him to go around to keep 2 families happy.
So if you look at it that way, I think he did what he did out of fear. Fear, that he isn't good enough to do it all and do it well. Fear of all the things that could go wrong, plus he probably wanted to have enough money and freedom for you two have a little fun and the time just to enjoy each other and maybe travel. And he ddn't want to have to wait another 20 years to do it.
On your side I can tell you as child daycare operator that contrary to what you might think, the only children I have cared for were the nicest, best behaved, least spoiled and selfish acting of all the kids I ever cared for. Plus the parents were able to devote all their attention on them without feeling pulled between work and the needs of 2 0r 3 other kids. Which translated into happier more relaxed, and satisfied parents. As well as higher achieving children.
So to sum it up his actions were not a reflection on you or the depth of his feeling towards you but based purely on his own fears about himself and his own abilities and limitations. And only you can decide if you can forgive him and learn to be happy with just one child or not. If nothing else you could use it as one hell of a bargaining chip over him the rest of your life for whatever you want. lol
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 March 2011):
 my immediate reaction is that this man has been very unkind to you.
It would have rated as my greatest regret if I had not had children with my second husband. And of course I am so thankful that my first husband's genes survive in his child.
If this were me I would walk away from this man. Do not just have one child. But you do need to make this decision soon
as after 35 it can be more difficult to get pregnant, for some women.
Due to your husband's action i do not believe he will ever entertain any thoughts of a reversal.
Since he is in a relationship with you the person most hurt by his sneaky action is you. Pretty mean if he claims to love you?
And five years without marriage is too long for him to take some action on that.
Yet he could take action to have a vasectomy in the blink of an eye, and without consulting you?
Yet he can't take similarly swift action about marrying you?
If his intention was to eventually become single again, and start being a player, then at least he will not be able to get anyone else pregnant.
His actions are indefensible. It is truly appalling. Imagine if he wanted children and you, behind his back, were secretly taking the contraceptive pill? Imagine his feelings of betrayal if he discovered such deception.
If you do not want to leave him please do get some serious counselling. For i feel his pre-emptive action will eat away at you and cause you great hurt for a long time. He knew you were serious about wanting more children and he just trashed all opportunities for that to occurr in the future, with him.
Think very carefully about your options.
I really think you deserve the joy of more children. You know in your heart that you need and want more children. Be kind to you, and first. Before all other demands.
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female
reader, rosey3564 +, writes (11 March 2011):
rosey3564 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he has the right to not want another child. But he should have included me in his decision process , instead of sneaking around. He went about it the wrong way , avoiding me about it makes matters wrose , if it were me I could never do anything behind him , I would be too afraid too loose him , but on the other hand he thought he was going to trick me into thinking we could have more children by sneaking around and doing it behing me , that is what is hard to swallow , at this point I think his actions could have lost me and the family we built forever. He took chances when he did what he did without thinking about the consequences of breaking us up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Maybe it is something that he should have informed you of but as you know no one should become a parent against their will. Nor should they be coerced into it or emotionally blackmailed into it. I think he simply decided to avoid all those emotional discussions by having it done with out consulting you. Prehaps it wasn't nice but he has a right to say no to more children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Thanks guys for all your great input , we didn't get married because we purchased I purchased a home and relocated so he could be near his 2 other kids from the prior marraige , the reason we put the wedding off was because I unexpectedly got prego. So I figured it wasn't a big deal to me to do it after the baby was born , also his ex wife kept taking him back to court for more money , so I thought it would be better to wait till things calmed down a bit. But know that he paved the future in stone for us , I feel severed emotionally from him , He knew how strong I felt on the topic , but took the risk of loosing me , breaking up our new family , thinking I wouldn't find out. The fact tht he was no planning on telling me enfuriates me. I really don't want to beak up my new family but I am not sure if I can live with the fact that he decided this for us knowing how I felt. He told me he just starting feeling this way about 6 months ago , he mentioned getting snipped once about 6 months ago during an argument , but I never thought he would actually do it. People say things they don't mean when they argue , so I didn't think anything of it , we are both retired and are financially set with pension benifits , so time or money is not the issue at hand. The first thing he said when I caught him was , "the Dr. told me I could always get it reversed." Yeah ok , he was playing with my head to make me think he was going to reverse it at first , this really plays with my emotions , not sure if I even want to marry him anymore , not the way I planned things to go , I never thought this would happen.
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (11 March 2011):
Getting a vasectomy behind your back was an act of betrayal to you and the relationship. No matter how strongly he felt about it he should not have done that.
Maybe I could have lived without another child if my partner felt strongly enough against it but I personally don't know if I could forgive him taking the choice away from me arbitrarily.
Did he discuss his thoughts about it with you at all prior to taking matters into his own hands?
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 March 2011):
HMMMM, a woman's love versus freedom from more children and he made that decision without you. He loves you enough to continue being with you, but took the risk and hope you can let go of the idea of having more children. Here's someone who changes the script of a play. There was no written contract which says, when we marry we are going to have at least two children. When people are in love they don't say to each other, if you refuse to have two children then I am going to leave you. If you stay with him then you feel like you are betraying your wish. If you leave him, then you are betraying your baby and your fiance because you are breaking the family apart. It's 2 to 1 here and one of them will be bonded with you forever. Your fiance is hurting as well. He's risking losing you forever. His decision seems firm and final even if he's with you. He thinks one less child means more free time for his retirement years. If I were you I would stay. Your child can have double the presents on Christmas and Birthdays.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Wow, that was an amazingly sneaky move on his part, to get a vasectomy without telling you. Clearly, he didn't want more children and rather than tell you honestly, he took care of it himself.
Of course you can have more children if you are willing to go to a sperm donor or choose to end it with him and find another partner.
Passive-aggressive is the term that comes to mind, but it's not really accurate here, as he had to actively make an appointment with a doctor and show up for the surgery. Active decisions, a knowing betrayal of your desires and wishes.
I guess I would tell you to try to work through it with the counselor's help--it may be the end of the relationship or it may be the start of a new honest and truthful one.
I dislike that he was not honest with you, not a good sign. Is it possible that you have not been listening to him and have been moving along on this without his approval?
It will come down to this, I think: your desire to have more children vs. staying with him as a lifelong partner.
Is there any reason you two haven't gotten married? I always wonder about the term "fiancee" if there is no wedding planned yet. It just means "really serious boy/girlfriend" until there's an actual date, to me.
Anyway, the problem is that he unilaterally made a decision that has altered the path of your lives. You're going to see a couples counselor, which is good. I hope things work out for you.
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