A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:At the risk of sounding like a spoilt brat here- which I assure you I'm not, I'd like some opinions.I got engaged 2 weeks ago and have been with my fiancé for almost 4 years.If I'm honest I wasn't keen on the ring- it was pretty but too fussy- I was surprised he picked it out as its a big cluster when I always told him I wanted a simple solitaire. Anyway when he gave it to me I didn't tell him this- I accepted his proposal and thought nothing more of it.Well 2 days ago I found out that this ring was the same ring he gave his ex fiancé almost 9 years ago!!! His friend told me.I knew he had been previously engaged but they broke it off as a mutual decision and she gave him the ring back.... Obviously I was upset that he used the same ring and when we spoke about it he didn't really see how it was so awful.... His defence was that she barely wore it (they had only been engaged 7 months) and it was expensive. I told him he could have sold it as the price of gold did go up and get me another ring- obviously not spend all the money on a ring but some of it.I want to make it clear that I do not care how much the ring costs - I just wanted a new ring that didn't belong to an ex fiancé of his!! I tried to make him understand that it was a 2nd hand ring and he didn't make any effort to think about what I would like...He has refused to get me another ring and in refusing to wear it- yes we are both being childish however he also had a go at his friend for telling me- which shows I'd never have known unless he told me which also made me angry to think he'd be so dishonest.This has caused a divide between some of our mutual friends as some if them agree with him and some with me.Am I being completely unreasonable for wanting another ring? Or is this a sign of his true reflection- not being honest with me so goodness know ms what else he will keep from me once we are married.....Im now in doubt being in a relationship with him....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 Eh, I am afraid I have to join the general consensus. Recycling engagements rings just it is not done in civil society ( unless they are old and precious family heirlooms ) , and this hints at your fiance' being either a cheapskate or a clod, or both .
Just for intellectual exercise, I tried to cut him some slack and seeing it as ne of those typical, " Men are from Mars, women are from Venus " kind of thing. I mean, let's suppose this guy is not the romantic type and in fact he is a very practical, rational thinker. He has this expensive ring just sitting in his shirts drawer ; the ring is almost new, so why going out to spend other thousands of dollars, which can be used more profitably for other stuff, when he already HAS a costly, wearable object which responds to the scope.
Some men are actually so unsentimental that they in perfect good faith cannnot relate to the woman's desire to make her proposal, or engagement ring, or wedding ceremony, unique and "special " . Sort of : what's so special in getting married ?, everybody does sooner or later.
But, your fiance' is blatantly not in good faith. He knew this is not what is normally done and that it would be frown upon , he knew that this is something that you would have taken offence at, so he purposedly chose to omit telling you where the ring came from , and how come it was so different from your preferences. If he had honestly thought that there was nothing wrong in giving you that ring, he would have candidly told you : " Look, I know that you like solitaires, but I happen to have this beautiful expensive engagement already, so we could spend the X thousand dollars that another ring would cost on our honeymoon instead, or new furniture, or X and Y thing "
But no, he kept mum and if his friend had not blabbered he would never had told you the history of this ring- so , in short, he meant to screw you up, and he did.
Not, to solve your dilemma short term is not that difficult : now this ring is yours to do with it what you want, you go sell it and with the money you buy something new and according to your taste.
To solve it in the long term, ... I don't know. Now , you have found out ( in case you never had noticed ) that your bf is not particularly generous b ) rather insensitive if not a bit uncouth , and , the worst thing , c ) a sneaky type that will never volunteer giving you the straight dope about stuff unless you extract it from him somehow.
Is this enough breaking up material ? It depends, I guess, from the weight that you personally, in your scale of values give to these 3 specific flaws, and most of all, if he has , say, at least 6 stellar , outstanding qualities to compensate for these 3 big shortcomings.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 Yeah, I forgot, the *only* exception to this rule is the "heirloom" exception, where his great great grandma on the Titanic wore it when she was rescued in undying love and adoration for her beloved who saved her life and went down with the ship. Or for the Twi-hards, some immortal 100-year old vampire who looks 17 gives his long-dead, long-loved mother's ring to his 18 year old human girlfriend instead of sucking her blood, knowing that that 82 years is enough time to disinfect it from the Spanish flu that killed both of them.
Heh. Had to add it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): His character MUST be flawed for even trying it on. Is what he did your idea of love? I doubt it very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): Oh dear. One of the most romantic gestures a man can make, and he gives you a ring he gave to someone else. I think you've just seen his true colours. Personally I'd never get beyond that. Totally disrespectful and insulting to you as an individual. He lied into the bargain. I think his ex fiancee had a lucky escape. There is literally no excuse for his behaviour. Do yourself a massive favour and don't even try and make one. This, surely, is not a guy you dreamed of marrying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): Wow. He's definitely in the wrong. While it's bad that he gave you a second hand ring I think it's even worse that he won't give you a new one (even if it's less expensive) now he knows how you feel about it. If hes not making any effort to make it up to you then id be inclined to end the relationship. Sorry
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 If the two of you disagree this much on something that should have easily been dealt with, it is best that the two of you do NOT get married.Never involve your friends into your debates as a couple. It only means trouble.Look at the principles behind each of your positions.It is NOT the ring, but what your individual values are that the ring symbolizes.Before getting into name calling of him, not one person here has considered that the ring is HIS symbol for his future wife...not a symbol of his ex. Shop for the ring together and discuss the ring, prior to any official engagement. Seriously, there is a simple answer here that the two of you could work out, but neither of you has the maturity to discuss this like an adult, and THAT is why the two of you are not ready to be married at this time.-Frank
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 I gasped something terrible when I read the title let alone the entire thing.
Besides your fiance being a lazy, cheap bastard (mind my language), how could he not see this as a problem?! So what, are you supposed tho be fine with wearing a ring that belonged to his ex for 7 months? One that he had originally picked out especially for her? One that he knew SHE'D like? No no no, this is all so wrong. If the ring didn't still hold some significant place in his heart, he'd have gotten rid of it a long time ago . . . hell its been almost a decade now! You tell him that you want him to get you a ring especially picked out for you and according to what he knows YOU'D like or he can shove his proposal since he'd be willing to let his ex's ring win this one. This guy should be willing to get you your own ring or he should be willing to let you go so he can get a move on with marrying the ring, cuddling up to the ring, starting a family with the ring and vacationing with it. Quite simply, its you or that ring.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 May 2016):
 I notice he's much older than you. So he's using his age to show you he's right and you are wrong, and would not budge. Older guys also do not feel the excitement of getting married a second time around. A used ring is a constant rub in your face, that he's done it before, and may not believe in long term. He wants you to suck it up as punishment of what his fiancé did to him, wasting his money on a ring. Maybe he didn't think of it this way consciously but many women would. I am more bothered by his reluctance to buy another ring than his dishonesty. It's almost as if you had to pick up where it ended from his last relationship, and he doesn't care about putting the same effort into making you happy. No, with that mindset, he should not be getting engaged at all. This ring itself is a baggage.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 Eye brows raised, mouth wide open-OMG are you serious. Cheeky bugger. And...ahem, excuse me but a divide in friends is a step too far they need to but out. If he thinks you are over reacting show him the aunt and uncles responses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2016):
 He what?!
Now IF that ring had belong to his mother, then the ex fiance, then you, it would have been a different story. However, I might still not have thought that was appropriate. But with an heirloom there CAN be some "mileage" on the jewelry.
What he COULD have done it take it to a jewelers and reused the diamonds and gold but in a new design.
Or he could have sold the ring and bought either a new or another USED ring.
I would NOT be OK with this. Like YouWish stated, the ring was FOR her, for HIS promise to HER. He picked it out FOR her, with HER in mind. Her taste, HER personality. It's NOT an heirloom.
Sorry, I agree that you either don't know your "fiance" very well or you should have known he was capable of pulling a stunt like that. Either way, I would give it back. And end the engagement. If he WANTS to marry you, he will man up and do the right thing.
It is TRUE that the marriage isn't about the ring. It's about HIS commitment to you and yours to him. It's about the promise HE makes to you and you make to him BEFORE the wedding vows are made.
There is absolutely no thought behind him giving you this ring, a ring from a gumball machine might have been more sentimental.
I don't think it's OK of him to do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 Im thinking... this is a sort of big deal. Any normal person gets this, that this isn't acceptable. I mean, here we are debate whether or not it's even acceptable for a woman to wear jewelry given to her by another man, and the line is blurry and some wont even do that! Then this guy wants you to wear.. not even common jewelry, but an ENGAGEMENT ring, a ring symbolizing his promise to marry her, that belonged to his ex!
Yes, she returned it, and when an engagement is broken that is common procedure. But you don't give it to your next fiancee. That's something so easy to understand that I question his personality on a much deeper level.
I mean, if he doesn't grasp this simple concept, what else doesn't he get? I doubt this is the ONLY incident where he has his own idea about how the world works, as opposed to what the entire rest of the world thinks. As for his friends who takes his side, they are siding with him not because they think he is right, but because their loyalty lies with him and not you. They are foreseeing a break-up, thus taking sides with the one they want to keep in their lives.
You've been with him for 4 years. You must have seen this coming. I have no doubt, he has previously shown you how cheap he is, and how aloof he is about common courtesy. You decided to accept his proposal knowing that this is the type of man he is. So, either accept and wear the ring, or break it off. This is who he is, and an engagement, or a marriage, will not change this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 May 2016):
Its a reflection on him being cheap.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 May 2016):
 I can't believe you would wear a diamond!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 May 2016):
You're not a spoiled brat. Your fiance (you might want to re-think that) is being a lazy toolbox.
Before I give my advice, I just want to say that this is one of the reasons why I want to strangle De Beers for their stupid 1938 advertising campaign. Great Depression my ass! The engagement ring has been responsible for keeping lots of marriages from happening, and the astronomical costs of weddings have cut off its head from the other side.
There. That's out of my system!
Now, that being said, you never ever reuse a ring. Your fiance should know that by now. The fact that he's even arguing with you about it is a massive red flag. The ring was picked out FOR his ex. She had the say in what it looked like. SHE wore it. It symbolizes his promise to HER, and every time he would see it on your hand, it's like her being part of your life.
He should have sold it or had it melted down and re-forged into something special for the two of YOU.
I wouldn't marry him, to be honest. There is a REASON why he kept that ring for 9 years. Most people sell old rings. Pawn shops are riddled with used engagement rings, and yes, the price of gold HAS gone up exponentially since he bought it, so he would not lose money.
Stand your ground here. Understand, that while marriage isn't about the engagement ring, it *is* about how he values you, and whether or not you deserve some ex's leftovers. If you don't stand up for yourself now, he will not respect you, and that is no way to start a marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): I think you are not being unreasonable at all....At least he should have told you about the ring being second hand. To me it sounds like he did not plan the engagement at all which makes me wonder if he really did consider you properly. An engagement ring and wedding band shows the character of the person wearing if you like simple and not too flashy the your ring represents that.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (7 May 2016):
 Wow. I think he is definitely in the wrong here. I could maybe understand if it was his grandmother's ring and that's why he wanted you to have it, but it wasn't. It is not just a second hand ring, it is a ring he chose for another woman that she wore for seven months. And he didn't even tell you, you had to find out from someone else.
You are not being unreasonable at all.
Now, what to do? You need to sit him down and have a long chat, explain that an engagement ring is symbolic, that it hurt your feelings he would give you his exes ring. Try and make him understand how you feel. I'm hopeful this is just a one off case of complete stupidity on his part.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (7 May 2016):
Are you being unreasonable ? Absolutely not! What is wrong with the man that he cant see how insensitive this is!
Even if he genuinely has no sentiment to the ring, even if in his head he truly doesn't see it as an issue- he,has to respect that it is for you! And in the circumstances, its a no brainer to me. He should now be saying hey, I've always liked the ring, it doesn't mean anything sentiment wise and I wanted you to have it as your engagement ring....but if that is too freaky for you, no worries ill repect that and get you a different one.
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