A
female
age
36-40,
*ho really knows
writes:I've been with my fiancé for a couple years now, I really love him and love the time we spend together. My issue is he doesn't help out around the house. What do I say to get him to help out more without starting an argument or make him feel like I'm being a witch?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): Stop doing his share and let him suffer the consequence of his laziness. That's what I did. It took 5 years of that before my husbands started helping out more but he did because he had to since I wasn't going to do it for him.Examples: 1. Do your own laundry but not his. If he has run out of clean clothes he can either help out with laundry by doing his own or ie can wear dirty clothes and feel gross and have his friends and coworkers tell him he smells bad.2. After meals, wash up only your own dishes. Don't touch his. If he leaves his dirty dishes on the table let it stay there until he finally cleans them even if it means weeks. Show him that if he doesn't clear away his dishes that he used, it will just stay there where he left them, for all eternity if that's what it comes to. Eventually he will get inconvenienced by his own stuff laying around and will have to put them away3. Only vacuum the parts of the house that you use. If there are parts of the house even if just a small corner that he uses more than you (e.g.his side of the bed, or his favorite chair) don't vacuum around those parts, let them get dirty until eventually he feels it is too dirty then he cam vacuum his areas of the house himself. 4. Don't pick up after him. If he throws his laundry on the floor let it stay there until he needs it then he can get it himself.Realize that these suggestions only work if you can force yourself to tolerate his mess by letting it be until he has to take care of it because he needs clean clothes, clean dishes etc. I did it for 5 years. I also worked really long hours so I was hardly home to see his mess but that made it easier for me to ignore it lol. I was simply too tired to clean up after him so I stopped doing so and only cleaned up after myself for what I needed. Eventually he had to do laundry and other stuff for himself since i wssnt going to do it for him. Then when he started to take responsibility to do that for himself then every now and then I would be nice and do his laundry or clean his dishes for him. And now that would make him very grateful since he had been getting accustomed to having to do it himself and realizing how much effort it is and thus appreciating me more when I would do it for him. Then he started to do it on his own out of habit so now I can ask him to clean something for me and he will. Other options are to hire a house cleaner or maid (I have friends who did that as the solution to their problem but I don't have money for that) . Or to move out and tell him that until he demonstrates some responsibility in housekeeping (tell him it is called pulling his own weight in the household) you need to not be living together anymore because you simply do not want to live in a environment that looks like this.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2013):
 can you set a calendar and schedule? My husband was willing to help but on his time table which did not work for me... we ended up getting a maid for the big stuff.
But if he is willing just sit down and say "honey let's draw up a chore list and schedules so we don't have to ask each other who did what... then write down all the things that have to be done
weekly tasks... he does them one week (on a WRITTEN schedule he previously agrees to) you do them the next or whatever works for you...
monthly and seasonal tasks...also on the calendar...
use an electronic calendar (we use Cozi which is free) that sends REMINDERS to the cell phone... so he gets a reminder on Friday at 10 am that says 'Saturday 10 am Bill cleans the bathroom"
then you are not nagging him... the computer is... and it's something he's PREVIOUSLY agreed to.
also figure out what the punishment is for NOT doing your chores as PREVIOUSLY agreed on... then stick to it and do not nag him about it. IF he continues to ignore the reminders and not do his tasks... consider that he's being passive aggressive (or he has ADHD) and either will not or cannot do these tasks... then decide if the rest of the relationship is worth it.... it may not be.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 When you need help, ask him directly to help you. Hinting won't help. Communicate directly with him..."Honey, I could really use your help me with...Do you mind?" Ask him nicely, and if he can help you he will.
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A
female
reader, who really knows +, writes (14 August 2013):
who really knows is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything is equal except the cooking and cleaning. I don't mind the cooking, when I say something about cleaning he's ok for a couple days and then goes back to not even cleaning behind himself. It's a but of a bother to feel I have a grown child when it comes to house cleaning help.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 August 2013):
 I think we'll need a bit more information. Do you both work and pay bills fairly equally? If yes, do you both work roughly the same number of hours doing similar kinds of work? I mean do you have a fairly light job while you're boyfriend is doing very heavy lifting for 10 hours a day?
I assume you've brought this disparity to his attention. What has been his response so far?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): The fact you've been together a couple of years now, the habit has set in, so it may be slightly more difficult to change, but not impossible.Probably the best way to get him to help is to motivate him to want to. Ask nicely. Persuade. Encourage. If you tell, he won't want to. If you have a discussion, he will promise and nothing will change. However, if you say how you feel about it, how you would really appreciate his help, what a difference it would make, and possibly free up more time for you so BOTH of you can do something more fun, you might win.Unfortunately with some guys it may never change, especially depending how they were brought up, if mom did everything, they assume the partner will also do everything and until you express frustration or tiredness, they won't even have realised! They may also have ideas that it's women's work, but with both now working (generalisation) then both need to work together to co-habitate.Speak before you are tired, in pain or angry - then the witch will come out ;-) so do it when you are in a good mood, when you plan, so you both are in on it. Teamwork.If all else fails, realise it's what most women go through, and as long as he pulls his weight on the men things, like DIY, garden, cars, jars ;-) then do your best and don't be too harsh on yourself, don't have your standards too high. Sometimes, the dishes can wait, or the carpets - have some fun too!Good Luck
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