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age
41-50,
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writes: Hello, Three weeks ago I discovered that my fiancé had visited some websites of local escorts (i.e. prostitutes). Absolutely shocked, immediately I checked his e-mail account and found out that he had sent an email for appointment of one of them a year ago, when we had been together for 4 months. I asked him about this and his response was "he was just mucking about". I felt disgusted and couldn't stand seeing his face any more. Left the house that night, stayed in a hotel, hoping that if he was really clean, he would chase me to prove that he had done nothing in reality - I really love him, you see. He never did this, and I am living in a temporary flat at the moment. Now, three weeks after the event he has asked me to meet up to prove to me that he never did anything, it was just that email he sent. I still love him and want to hear what he's got to say, but I don't know whether I should forgive him. Part of me says that no matter how much I love him, even if he can prove he is clean, I cant trust him anymore. But part of me still says I should give him a chance...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): Hell hath no fury . . . . !
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd the story goes on...
I accepted for him to hire a solicitor to go through the records. Just to make him pay (at least financially...) for what he has caused to me. And guess what...now he has changed his mind. He says he doesn't see the point of doing this since we are parted. My explanation is simple: he has to clear his name (if he is innocent) and once he has done this I can't really tell people that he slept with a prostitute. Does this sound like a threat from my side...? ;);). Just want to make him stew...badly, I can't describe how much I want him to think that I can do damage to him (his career etc.). This is the least he deserves for the damage he has caused to me and all the games he has been playing since I discovered his dirty habits. It will be very catharctic for me, just a way to "let it go" finally
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi. Yes you are right - would have been logical to have given phone records to you. And used the phone in your presence. I am all in favour of giving the benefit of etc ....... but he is sounding a little ridiculous. It is very hurtful when someone lies like this and you know they are lying - you feel the disrespect. All I can say is better that you found out now than further down the line. You might be feeling angry or hurt or lost - I don't know which at the moment - you've been badly let down and deceived, so whatever you're feeling right now it's understandable. This does happen sometimes. When you are thinking you have made the wrong decision - just remind yourself how you would feel being lied to for many years ahead. That used to work for me. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your opinion.
Just an update....
He has offered to appoint a solicitor (on my behalf) to go through his phone records (work, mobile, home) to prove to me that he actually never called this escort. A solicitor??? What a joke...wouldn't have it been easier if he brought all these records to me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): If I were you I would be straight down the doctors for an STD test!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): Oh Boy! This guy must think you're some kind of idiot! Bank statements? He showed you that to prove there's no record of his activity! Then there's the phone - proof enough to me that he's still using her, I'm afraid, or it would have been deleted long ago.
Get rid, and good riddance! How can you possibly still love this man?
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice and opinions. Some update on this issue…
Just met him and he had brought his bank accounts records to prove to me that he had not paid the money to the prostitute. Yeah…right as if people don’t have cash in their drawers or as if he couldn’t have planned this in advance and put money aside little by little. I asked him to dial a number on his mobile phone (it was the number of the escort which I had found on her website, which I found from his email). And, he refused to do this telling me that he doesn’t want to feel bullied by me…Is this really and his pride, or did he refuse to do this because he had the phone number stored in his phone and he was afraid that the name would come up…?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): no he was not mucking. I am a guy and I can tell he was seriously considering that escort. Use your brain and not your heart in making decision. Good luck. Pete
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Ya right, like he was just "mucking about" what a liar. would you book an appointment with a hairstylist as a joke? How stupid does he think you are? Or are you?? Don't fall for that sh*t/ honestly, it took him how long to go after you? He was probably seeing prostitutes while you were apart!! and exactly HOW is he going to proove to you that he's clean? Are you talking std wise? Because if you are, I don't see why you'd forgive him just because he may not have caught a disease from the prostitutes! There is no way for him to proove to you that he didn't do something a year ago. He did do it, and probably more than once. He should have prooved to you that he was loyal & trustworthy a year ago. Some women are so gullible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Life is much too short to be wasting but i always give people a second chance, maybe that has been my downfall in the past. why dont you meet up with him and decide for yourself if you want to go back. Remember though that some people cannot change and he may still be doing this. Weigh up the situation and take it from there. if you are not happy then move on and dont go back.
take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks chlez83 for your answer. He might indeed not have gone the whole ten yards and be innocent. But still why a man who is in a loving relationship (as he claimed) wants to visit escorts websites. Just dont understand this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank Egghead for your answer. Part of me believes what you say: that he will just cause me more problems in the future if I forgive him now. Still wondering if this is a risk I should take or not...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Richard_EMids. Thanks for your answer. I have exactly the same thoughts im my mind. I guess he thinks he has lost the game with me as he has caused other headaches to me in the past... and he knows that he has reached my limits now. As you say, lost trust is difficult to restore and he knows that he has misused my trust more than once, hence his unwillingess to contact me earlier.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (26 October 2007):
Hum - I am normally in favour of giving people a chance - and in your case I would still say you have to give him a chance. However, something is not right here if he has left it so long to chase you. He had some explaining to do - and if it was all innocent then he could have easily explained at the time. A long delay suggests a number of things to me: 1) Couldn't be bothered to chase you 2) Couldn't think of viable story/excuse - or has now had time to get mate as alibi. 3) He didn't miss you to begin with - but now he does. None of them are very good are they?
When trust goes - it is very difficult to restore . And for some people (like me) trust is an essential. For me I don't want a realtionship where I can't trust the other person - or live with being lied to. You have to decide how important trust is for you personally. You need to decide how to deal with the meeting as well - I would suggest cool, but that is another question. Good luck and take - sorry this happened to you.
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reader, chlez83  +, writes (26 October 2007):
I feel your pain lady.I know you expect a bit more respect from your man.An obviuos question is why was he checking out escorts over the net?It might be that your man has a habit he can't get rid of.Some men have a tendency to do risky things.It makes them feel macho.However,he may be telling the truth that he didn't go da whole ten yards.I know you trust in him has developed serious holes but you need to decide how much you love him and think if he really did it can you forgive him and move on?Not taking any sides and considering that you never caught him in bed,it's best to talk about it and let him know what you feel.Give him another chance but if he does it again,pick up da pieces and move on.He doesn't deserve you.
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