A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:What would you do/think if your fiance who you just had a baby with says he fantasises/wants to have sex with other women! One of the woman he sees around work and talks to. Hes never cheated as far as i know and says he only would sleep with others if im ok with it. This is the most he's ever hurt me i been acting like it never happened i dont want our baby to be around fighting and stressed out people so when ever im alone i break down crying.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): What do you do?
PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE!!!
You are a woman!
He is a man
He has no wrights to push you around like that!
Women are not second class citizens.
He clearly only cares about sex so tell him to treat you right and stop his fantasies or it's over!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 November 2014):
 So he was talking about a threesome? I still need information on the circumstances here, how did discussion about a threesome come up? Who brought this up and why?
If it was just daily chit chat, and then the discussion went from playful to a bit too serious, then I think you need to step back and cool down. If you and him were BOTH talking about a threesome as just a fun thing to talk about, not seriously at all, and then you said something that made him feel like a jerk, and then he said this back just to hurt you.. well then you have a dysfunctional dynamic going on that needs to be worked at. The problem here then, if this is the case, is NOT him having a fantasy about another woman, but him wanting to INTENTIONALLY HURT YOU. This is what your and him need to discuss and take seriously. As well as you should not put him down by suggesting he is a jerk or a creep. Such words hurt too, men do have feelings and will get hurt just as easily as women, although they are trained not to show it.
However the way you describe this makes it very hard to see exactly what was said and why. It could also be interpreted as you asking for more information on who, and him just responding in an attempt to be honest with you.
First though, I must say that there is nothing wrong in having a fantasy. Like someone else said, EVERYONE has fantasies. Everyone, at some point or other, imagines sex with someone else. It's not harmful, it's not a sign of cheating, it's not a sign of anything other than being a functional human being. I have also talked about threesomes with boyfriends of mine, just because it's a fun topic for me to talk about, Im sexually liberal and don't have insecurities in that department. So I am comfortable talking about it. As a bisexual woman I am also comfortable sitting and looking at women together with a boyfriend and talking about who's hotter. It's just that I am secure and comfortable, so this isn't a problem for me. In these cases of talking about threesomes, I have always been the one to bring it up. Not because I need one, or because I am dying to sleep with someone else. But because I want to get to know my partner better, know their thoughts and ideas on sex, where their limits are and why etc. And if they were liberal and secure as me, and the relationship was a strong and secure one, I do not see the harm in exploring this side of the human sexual nature. It can either be a great sexual fantasy for the both of us, or turn into something real. Or it might not happen at all, and that's cool too.
But if a boyfriend was to respond with shaming me for even thinking about it, I would be hurt, and I would distance myself from him as well. It just shows a general lack of trust in me, to suggest that I wanted someone else etc. I'm telling you this to show you that even if your boyfriend brought up the threesome, and the conversation just spiraled out of hand from there, his intentions might have been completely innocent. Some times, conversation gets out of hand when emphasis is placed on the wrong parts, and words come out differently from what we intended to say.
Always think the best of your partner and try to always hear their words in the best meaning. Or else you can find trouble and grounds for argument in absolutely everything. In this case, I say talk to him CALMLY about how his comments made you feel, but also talk about what his intentions were and remember to take his words in the best meaning. I know this is hard when you are hormonal, I know myself from when I have that time of the month and feelings are all over the place (so can't imagine how you must feel). But try. I do not think you should jump to conclusions here and assume the worst. This could all be very innocent and just a conversation that spiraled out of control.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 November 2014):
 I have a very important question for you, one that my advice hinges everything on...
Did he reveal this to you because you ASKED him about it, or did he come out and say it on his own??
I've seen too many times where a guy was too young to realize the trap many women inadvertently set when their insecurities induce questions like those that should never be asked. Did you ask him about his fantasy or if he wishes to sleep with others, and did he reveal the co-worker because you asked "whom"?
In truth, EVERYONE has fantasies about sleeping with other people, and those who say they never have are lying. But most people with integrity know that fantasies pale in the face of reality, and fantasizing about sleeping with other women isn't the same as desiring to make it a reality.
If you didn't ask him, and he brought it up, then we'd have a grooming situation that has him setting you up to ask to open the relationship. This is true if he brought the subject up and is pushing you. I only bring it up because of your wording: "says he only would sleep with others if im ok with it." Some guys pressure their women to eventually be okay with it.
I say that you should let it go if you were the one asking questions that he was a little too truthful in answering, and I say that you have a big problem if he brought it up and brings the subject up more than once without you soliciting a discussion on it.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (16 November 2014):
 Is he about the same age as you? I guess there can be a couple of reasons:1. Since you've been pregnant, he hasn't been able to have sex with you, so at this age, his hormones might be all over the place and he's thinking up sex fantasies with every woman alive. (but he should be more considerate and not share those thoughts with you!)2. To some extend, every man has fantasies of sex with other women. This is why they watch porn, look at naked pics of women. Doesn't mean they will ever actually do it.. but they do fantasize. Still he shouldn't have shared it with you.I would suggest to ignore it as you know he won't act on it. Or talk to him and tell him how it made you feel so he will know to consider your feelings next time.Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2014): The best thing to do is to leave him, and create a more stable home for yourself and your child. Some guys are just not the marrying type, and he is already showing you that he isn't...and may never be. I had an ex-bf from years ago talk to me about his fantasies with other women, and repeatedly ask (no beg) for a 3-some with a girl he knew...and guess what?! After he said no, he wound up cheating on me with her (and several other girls) anyways. Also, there's a level of respect that as his future wife and mother of his child, he should be showing you. He clearly isn't. It's disrespectful to tell you he fantasizes and lusts for other women....Also you using words "as far as I know" speaks volumes. Aside from all that, he is hurting you and doesn't seem to care that he is hurting you...yet cries victim by saying you're "making him feel like a jerk." Newsflash for him: HE IS acting like a jerk. He's disrespectful, and at the very least a proxy-cheater. YOU deserve better. Kick him to the curb. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): Sorry sent in last answer by accident he was talking about a threesome and i said i would never want to sleep with another guy how could you want to sleep with someone else and he said i was making him feel like a jerk hes a guy an cant help it an i said i wasnt tryin to make him feel that way an then he tells me how he looks at other woman an asked if i still dont think hes a jerk then he told me about the fanstising and wanting woman at work and asked me again if i thought he was and acted sad and went to sleep thanks again for your help
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I'm sorry you have a man tat would set out to hurt you like that. On the positive side, at least he's not acting out those fantasies(yet) Some guys just have no sense of how their bluting out their thought can ruin someone's day. it has taken years of practice but I think I have finally learned the hard lesson of self-editing. It is my hope that you can work ythis out with him by explaining this kind of blabber is hurtful and you wish he could just keep his fantasies to himself. Good Luck with that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 November 2014):
In what context did he say this? It is quite relevant in order to understand his intentions. You know him best, can you tell us what you think his intentions were in telling you this?
I think you should factor in that you just had a baby also, and you probably are hormonal and feelings all over the place. Such feelings can cause even the slightest and most innocent comment to feel like you have been back stabbed. You are allowed to express your feelings, of course, and crying is a way of releasing tension and build up feelings. But it is not helpful to the situation that you hide and cry in secret, and him not knowing how you feel.
You need to talk to him about this. You and him need to figure out together what he meant by this comment, and he should know how this affected you and why.
As for further advice I would need to know the context in which this was said, and what you think he meant by it. This is very relevant in order to find the appropriate way to deal/cope with it.
It could be innocent and a man's typical foot in the mouth moment, and even a sign of trust from his side. But it could also be a sign of something negative. Which is why I need more information, and which is why you need to talk to him about this and not cry in silence without him knowing how it affected you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2014):
There's not much you can do about it except wait to get married. He may not have cheated but being faithfully married is difficult for most people, especially those who have want to be sleeping with other people outside of their relationship.
If it helps you feel any better, it's not abnormal to fantasize about people outside of your relationship... He just made the mistake of being honest about it.
However, where you have the issue is him saying he wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless you were okay with it. I wouldn't sleep with anyone outside of my marriage even if my wife said it was okay. I value my marriage too much to jeopardize it.
That doesn't mean I don't think of other women on occasion.
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