A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for three years and i am sure we really love eachother however there has been a reoccurring issue in our relationship for about a year now...he almost never wants have sex. we have been living together for about two years and he moved here from another state so we could be together. He has had a hard time adjusting here and we have had a lot of financially hard times. He has been unemployed twice, and just recently got a new job. He never got fired but he did quit his job both time because he was promised a promotion and never given it. Luckily I make a lot of money and can pay all of the bills by myself. So I pay all the bills and buy all the food. On top of that we used to use opiates off and on about once a week. I wouldn't exactly say we were addicts because we weren't using everyday but instead of going to the movies on Friday nights like some couples would, we would just get high instead. We would do this for months at a time and then just quit either because we couldn't get any more or we couldn't afford it. As I said we have been doing this off and on for about a year. We have been "clean" for maybe two months now. He ha started playing a new video game so he doesn't think about anything else. On the bright side he isn't thinking about drugs but on the downside we don't have sex. I am wondering if his lack of sexual interest is from self esteem issues like him not having a car or a motorcycle (his number one passion) or not making much money and me having to support him which I'm sure is quite emasculating or is it from horomonal imbalances caused by off and on drug use. Either way, we haven't had sex since the last time we got high. I know he used drugs to help him forget about all of the issues we are facing which made it easier to have sex. When we did have sober sex in the past he would often have trouble maintaining erection and I think it's because he was too stressed out. In the past when I brought it up he would sometimes blame it on me, even saying once that he wasn't attracted to me sexually anymore. Which a day later he took it back and we had sex a lot more often for a few weeks. Another time he said he needed to do something manly to get his testosterone flowing again and then he'd want to have sex. Basically I think he feels out of place and just not his normal self. He doesn't have any of the things that make him happy except me and his video game. How can I make him feel better and is there a way we can compromise until he gets back on his feet? I am 21 by the way and he is 27
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 February 2016):
 Can I be brutally honest question?
Why are you getting married?
To me, it sounds like there are a lot of variables that are completely out of whack in your relationship.
Marriage is tough -- over 50% fail depending upon which statistic you read. The fact that you are dealing with:
1) Joblessness (at least intermittently). Honestly, is he a capable worker? Would you hire him?
2) Potential drug addiction and being newly sober. Dabbling with very strong drugs
3) Lack of affection / sex drive
4) And just being young.
These make your chances of having a not successful relationship very probable. Couple this with the fact that you are the bread winner -- if things go south -- you could be paying *him* alimony or losing the majority of your possessions. I hate to sound like an old fart but rather a kindly brother in saying "WTF".
My suspicion right now is that he is likely using drugs without you knowing about it. Opiates are extremely addictive and they will kill your sex drive. Only a lucky few can dabble with them and maintain their independence from them. Even if you aren't on them, they remain in your system and in general mix with your mood.
My guess is also he may be suffering from mild depression. He could be escaping into his video game to avoid conflicts with you or in general what is going on with his life. Men, in general, are very attuned with their jobs and how much money they earn. With you the breadwinner, he may feel emasculated.
Right now, reality is setting in on your relationship. While you have been together for 3 years, you are both beginning to discover what "living" with each other really means. Also, he has likely gotten used to and the spontaneity and newness has turned mundane. You may have to find ways to rev up his engine so to speak in the bedroom. You know what he likes -- so take some initiative.
Finally, I hope you do consider my advice about your current state. It sounds like you have a lot of turmoil and instability in your life. And to be honest, a bit of growing up to do yet. Adding marriage to the mix could be a mistake that could be expensive in finances and emotions.
Eddie
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Being an addict doesn't mean you take drugs every day. You're addicted when you have a "need" outside of a normal wish or desire, for the certain stimuli. A good way to test if you are addicted or not is to go without your stimuli for a month. If you haven't felt a need or urge for it in this time, haven't gotten withdrawal symptoms like headaches, irritation, frustration etc, then you're not addicted. But if the idea of going without makes you anxious, nervous, uneasy, and you feel this need, urge, for your stimuli to the point where it affects your daily life, then you addicted, whether you take your stimuli once a week or every day. Addiction isn't measured by amount or number of days. It's measured by whether or not you in fact are addicted.
As for the sex problem. He has a low libido. This means, he just doesn't feel like having sex that often. It's normal. It can be caused by stress, sure, but when it's been like this for several months and years, it is fair to say it is not momentarily or passing, as it would be if caused by stress. This is his normal status, he has a low libido. Maybe the drugs gave him a higher one than he normally has, what do I know, or maybe you remember it wrong and he's actually been this way all along. Anyway, this is who he is and it will not change. If unhappy, I strongly recommend you end the relationship, or learn to be happy without sex.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Stress can do a lot on someones sex drive, and mix it with opiates and well that's a recipe for disaster.
I think he feels ashamed that he has erection problems, hence why he blamed you for it. It is a tricky conversation to have with a man, because it just lowers their confidence even more, if he thinks he cannot satisfy you.
You say he was promised two promotions and he didn't get either, is there maybe a pattern as to why? Maybe he should have stayed in work anyway to give him focus and money. You say he has started a new job now, so hopefully he will stick this one out. You need to be firmer with him and tell him that you cannot keep supporting him, he cannot just keep leaving jobs and making excuses.
Now as for playing his video game all the time, well that itself could put him in to a depression, make him feel even more useless and unworthy. Does he get out in the fresh air to walk or run? Does he do any exercise? Maybe you should both do something together. It will help with the stress.
You need to talk to him about this issue because it will not go away and it is not a good start to your married life if it is not sorted by then. He needs to go to a doctor if there is no improvement. He will probably shout at you, tell you it is your fault, and if he does, stay calm and tell him he knows where the door is then if he is not happy. He needs a focus on his life, and I fear that you might be mothering him a bit to much. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 February 2016):
 You don't specify which opiates you were abusing but things like Oxycontin, Percocet, Vicodin, and Methadone have been documented to reduce testosterone in men as well as kill the ability of the body to make any testosterone. You should go to a doctor, explain the situation and perhaps the doctor can put him on testosterone enhancing meds. Weight lifting and workout in general stimulates testosterone production. Additionally, lack of testosterone typically causes a chain reaction in deficiencies in other things in the body like vitamins and amino acids. Doctors will not diagnose you on vitamins, but it is always a good idea to incorporate energy boosting supplements in recovery situations.
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