A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been dating a man for 9 months now and became engaged a month ago, i found out he has been with a man once or twice and was currently talking sex stuff to multiple people women and men. i adressed him with this and he said he has stopped. i have all pass words to all accounts and have not seen any activity lately. he told me and his mother he was confused and ashamed for what he did. he told us he was sexually asulted by his cousin when he was 8 and many times after he said he had suppressed those feelings and he felt dirty but thought that was part of him so he had to find out. i made him go get tested for disease as so did i . he has never cried in front of me, but now he does. he has talked to his mother and me. i love this man more than anything and know trust will take time, but is it worth saving or a lost hope
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2013):
 I want to make one thing clear. You, OP, are *not* his therapist. You are not responsible for how he deals with his self-image. You do not have to excuse his actions during his quest for self-healing. It's not your job, and it's too much pressure on any relationship. You shouldn't marry him unless he's PUT HIMSELF on the path to emotional health and has made progress.
Love will not fix him. If it did, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I fear heartbreak for you because this sort of thing has a really incredibly high recidivism rate with the cheating and the risky sexual activities.
You are not his everything, and in the end, and I know it sounds really heartless for me to say it, but it boils down to whether or not this person is a good choice to marry, or are you in for a very rough life. There is romance, and there is reality. You are not his caretaker, nor can you possible change him. Unless he's institutionalized, his actions should have the same consequences as anyone else's.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 There's no need to go thinking you can't have a relationship. But he needs to get to therapy. You can be supportive, but you can't help him with all of this, it is too much. You can't be his therapist. He needs to see someone he can talk to who is more educated in the field of psychology and has worked with people with the same history before. And someone he can talk to in a professional manner, so he can let it all out, and then come home to you and be your boyfriend.
Yes, things can work out. But he needs to work through this, and you need to work through this. It wouldn't be wrong for you to talk to a therapist as well.
Unfortunately, so many children are being sexually abused, often by a relative. Yet it doesn't mean their lives are over, or that they will be a mess. It is something that happened to them, that they can work through. Some handle it better than others, but regardless: he can still live his life even though this happened to him. He doesn't need to let his cousins crimes shape his life. But in order for him to take back control over his life, and to not feel dirty, and to not live with these dark thoughts, he needs to get help to heal.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 January 2013):
I think you should call off the engagement with him. His promise that he's "stopped" and his crying in front of you isn't enough to restore your trust, because let's say we do believe that his past trauma caused him to cheat repeatedly on you, he hasn't dealt with the root cause.
If I suspended disbelief and believed that his past caused his cheating ways, then what's he done about it? NOTHING. Saying he's "stopped" isn't treatment. That only means he'll cover things up better from you.
He needs intensive therapy, and he needs serious help. Until he gets that and spends a lot of time unraveling the damage done by the trauma, you should not wear the name "Fiance".
It's good that he's eager to give you passwords and such, but it's very easy to buy a disposable phone, a new notebook computer, and a couple of aliases. He can still hide from you.
Also keep in mind that many guys who were molested did NOT become cheaters themselves. Regardless of his past, he has control over his actions and he made his own choices. Personally, I'd never marry him, because he could have also CHOSEN to get help as well. You are not his therapist, and there is no excuse for what he did. He couldn't blame committing murder because he was assaulted. It would still be a crime. He can't blame cheating on his assault. It is still cheating.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 It's worth saving. Context matters. The reasons people do things matter. I am not defending everything he has done BUT the mitigating circumstances to my mind make him worthy of a second chance. Also, significantly, you have the passwords to his accounts on these places, presumably because he gave them too you. This to my mind was him saying he wanted to stop and to do so needs help and support.
He needs that help and support and you walking away will reinforce his negative self-image if you do it and the worse he sees himself as being, the worse he will behave. You need to reward good behaviour and be seen too, so, he has opened up, trusted you to do that and for you to walk away now would be damaging, it would hit his chances of recovering properly and I think to be honest youd regret it almost the moment you did it. He is going to need alot of your love, he will probably need counselling etc, etc and it isnt going to be an easy road and success isnt guaranteed. However, this is the time when you really need to step up to the mark, live up to your words at the end of your question and show you love him in word and deed. Stick with it and good luck :)
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