A
male
age
41-50,
*ezoar
writes:I'm in a year long relationship with a wonderful girl and we're about to move in together. She is gorgeous, brilliant, very loving and completely loyal; she is helpful and sweet to me. We like a lot of the same things. She is very sensual and sexual. In other words, I have it made, right?Only I'm not happy. I'm freaked out. I was always a really passionate guy interesting in sex. I don't get excited about sex anymore. In fact I dread it, even though I think my g/f is really really beautiful.I think a lot about this other girl who I was in an on again/off again non relationship with for 7 years. She and I had conversations that lasted 6 hours and felt like 5 minutes. We never had sex but sexually, we made each other happier than I've ever experienced anywhere else. She also hurt me deeply numerous times, refused to commit to a relationship in any way and displayed none of the loyalty my current g/f gives me without my even asking.My current g/f does not believe in God and I do. I have been upfront about the fact that this is a block for me. But we also talk about God, are both very spiritual people and are trying to figure it out together.So basically, my head recognizes how great this relationship is and is all "full speed ahead!". My feelings however, dont match my thoughts. I feel sad, depressed, heartachy, unsure, nauseous (alot of the time) and... really immature. I dont want to be *this* guy, ya know? The guy who cant commit emotionally and only realizes how great a relationship is after it's over. I want my feelings to match my thoughts.I know I'm in a good relationship. I want to *feel* that way too!Thanks for your help!
View related questions:
depressed, immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): it sounds to me like what you have with the other girl is more of a fantasy than a reality. You never had sex, but were more satisfied sexually than anyone else. So you don't really even know what sex with her is like. Only she's lied to you and disrespected you? It sounds like the new girl is being held against standards that she probably can't live up to. Why? Because she's real, and reality never measures up to fantasy.
You said what you 'had' with the other girl was a non relationship? Does that mean that you have never actually had the chance to be involved with the other girl? It's likely you're lacking closure concerning her, and it sounds like by the way she's treated you that if you ever actually did have a relationship with the other girl it would likely not measure up anyway. She has betrayed your trust, that's paramount.
You said it's been 7 years, can I ask you, have you dated other girls in that time? Did you feel the same way about them?
I can't tell you if the girl you are with is the one. You are obviously very smitten with her. You seem to express a real desire to make it work, and a reluctance to let it go. You certainly see value in the relationship. It's normal to question in the face of big change. You're not a bonehead for doing so. She may be the one, she may not be, that's still up for grabs.
Either way though, I think you're right and would benefit by learning a little bit of maturity. Letting go of this fantasy ideal, and realize that you have the potential to have something great with someone real. You have the potential to have something REAL.
I don't usually respond to these things, but this one reminded me a lot of a girl that I chased for years. I could never see what was in front of me because I was too stuck in my own fantasy of this girl. I imagined her to be so much better than she was. I think more than anything I was clinging to my own fears of loving someone, for real. Of being loved, and being intimate and committed.
So, my advice on how to deal with this would be, or at least what I did, was... accept that the other girl is not real, that she is not with you, that she has treated you badly and is probably not as amazing as you think. Look at what's going on with you personally that has kept you clinging for so long to a girl that disrespects you.
Then, look at whats in front of you, focus on that, focus on the good qualities you mentioned. Focus on what you actually have.
I suppose, give the new girl a fair chance. Then see how you feel. Go from there.
A
male
reader, Bezoar +, writes (30 June 2009):
Bezoar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I really appreciate some outside opinions. the weird thing is - and dont think I havnt considered the, 'shes not the one' possibility - the problem is really more with me. because, everthing in the relationship is there. its the best one I've been in. We have a great time together much of the time. We talk and laugh and have alot in common. This relationship is far better than the relationship with the other girl. The other girl lied and disrespected me numerous times. My g/f hasnt and wouldnt. that's why i mentioned immaturity. because, I think it sort of comes down to that. It's like I'm addicted to the drama. And in a drama free, healthy relationship, I cant feel happy and satisfied. ...and that's pathetic! I want so badly to get past this. Because, i know for a fact, if this relationship ends I'll be a complete and total wreck. I will never find another girl like my girlfriend. Essentially I'll just start looking for what I already have (and cant seem to be happy with) all over again. I just feel like I'm in a situation where I cant win. no matter what, I'll feel empty. And I'm totally aware that it's only my fault, completely. And if I heard someone talking the way I am right now, I'd be like, "wow, what I total jerk/bonehead." i feel sort of ashamed of myself, honestly. Anyway, thanks again for your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): I agree with what everyone else says... maybe she's not the one for you. But then again who's to say that the other girl IS the one? Maybe the right one is still yet to come.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): They say your ideal mate is also the person you consider to be your best friend. You say you and that other girl could talk for hours- can you and your current girlfriend? I believe a relationship is only as good as the conversations. It has to balance itself out- that doesnt neccesarily mean it has to be 50% talking 50% listening but look: if you are the type of person who needs to talk 70% and listen only 30% then you need a woman who prefers to talk 30% and listen 70%. Or vice versa. If your need is to talk 30% listen 70% and her need is talk 40% listen 60% there will be a lot of awkward silences between you. They say in relationships 95% of the time should be good even flowing conversation and the other 5% should be comfortable silences. The measure of how compatible you are with someone is how often you laugh together and about the same things. This girl sounds like a wonderful girl, you "know" that. You can't force your feelings, she may be a wonderful brilliant girl- just not the girl for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, BB Dakota +, writes (29 June 2009):
It sounds like this is a really great girl you're with. But it doesn't sound like you love her. She's probably the perfect girl for somebody, but not you. If it doesn't feel right than it probably isn't.
...............................
A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (29 June 2009):
Then kick yourself in the ass. There could however be more problems than you even realize with your current GF, which could be why you're having such an issue.
Try relaxing in your relationship. Also see a Dr. about the low libido issue, unless you're having medical problems you should be fine.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
...............................
|
