A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents got divorced when I was 3, he moved back home to Ireland, I don't actually have any memories with him, I remember the last day I saw him, at the airport saying goodbye, but I don't actually remember him being there. It never bothered me as a child, it was always just my brother, mother and I and that was what felt normal. But when I was fourteen, it hit me, that I should have a father, but I didn't. When I was fifteen I finally made contact with him, just through emails, over two years I probably got one email on an average every four or five months. He never once asked about me, asked about what I liked to do, or how I was. Just always promised things would changed, that he was unsure how to express how he felt, and when we first started emailing, he told me his life story, which offended me that he didn't want to know anything about me but felt I wanted to know everything about him. I would love to know him, and I feel selfish admitting this but I would most love for him to know me, to want to know his own daughter.My father, has a lot of emotional issues, a lot of it is to do with his parents and upbringing, he comes from a large family and I'm quite close to his sister who also lives in Australia, I've contacted her a few times when it's hurt me and she tells me it's not mine or my brothers fault at all and it's 100% his, and that he just doesn't know how to show or deal with his emotions. The reason my parents split was because he got into drugs, and had an affair. He also suffers from depression, and since losing his family, has tried to commit suicide a few times. He never remarried, but admitted to me spontaneously about this time last year that he was seeing someone and wanted to be completely honest to her about his children, that was last time he actually made an effort to talk to me apart from a text at new years and my brothers 21st. He completely ignored my 18th.When I graduated school last year it hit me how I'd gone through my whole childhood without a Dad. When I was younger I just hadn't worried he wasn't there because I knew when I was older I'd be interested in having him in my life, but I didn't think it would be this complicated and that he wouldn't be there.Over the past couple of years he has contacted us on and off for christmas and birthdays, like usually sent me a card and money for my birthday but ignored my brothers. In April my brother turned 21, he text me and told me to wish my brother a good birthday, and for the millionth time said that 'times were changing'. I turned 18 in July, another big birthday, and yeah he completely ignored it. No email, no text, no card, no facebook message, no nothing.I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I feel so alone, the only one who understands how I feel is my brother but he suffers from depression as well and he's learnt to not let it get to him, whenever i've approached him he just tells me the best thing I can do is ignore it.I know it's not my fault, but when I watch the old family videos, he absolutely adored his little girl. I'm not a bad person, I'm very intelligent, I'm going to go somewhere far in life, I'm the sort of daughter you'd be really proud of having. He told me he still has a lock of my hair in his wallet, so he carries a piece of me around with him everywhere he goes in life, I understand it must be so hard for him, but why do I have to feel like I have to be the adult in this relationship? That I have to be the one to approach him and work it out, I know it will take a lot of time to ever have a relationship with him, that's if I ever get one, but I don't want to go through my whole life feeling this way. He's missed every big moment in my life so far, I'm scared what's going to happen when I get married, I won't have anyone to walk me down the aisle. These are the kind of things that get me so down.So please, if any of you guys have experienced something similar or have any advice on how I can get through this, please help me out. I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself. I've wondered if I too suffer from depression, but upon approaching Mum with this she says I don't, but that I just get over emotional.I don't know, it's hereditory, and it runs in both sides of my family, I just know I will have trouble dealing this for the remainder of my life, I know I will learn to accept in the future the nonexistant of a father in my life, but for now, I just don't know how to deal with it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Htsn47  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 There are a number of online surveys/questionaires that you can take that will give you a rough assessment of your depression risk. My gut feeling is that if you think you are depressed, you probably are - but I'm not a physician or therapist so I can't say.
Can you make an appointment to talk to a professional? With your family history of depression and the issues you are dealing with, I'm sure you'd feel so much better with a non-judgmental person to talk to. You don't have to deal with this by yourself - there are people who can help you. You can learn coping mechanisms, you might find there are times that medication is justified, or you may find that just talking about it lifts a huge weight off of you. But I encourage you to seek some help - it's the best way to start.
Alternatively, you can look at any of a large number of books about living with depression. They might give you some insights as well.
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