A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, well i think i have found my dad cheating on my mum!!! over the past few yrs his behaviour has become worse, he treats all of us at home basically like s**t!!! he is horrible to my mum often at times not talkin to her.anyways bout 2 months ago someone rang the house fone at 2am but didnt leave a msg. something that never happens in my house!! so my sis took the number down and left it. thn a week ago, i went through my father fone, to see msgs to someone under a guys name. the first pic i saw was on a woman body, in a see thru top and nothin else on! i was disgusted1 i went through the texts and it said something bout her bein in a hotel room waitin for tea. i feel so disgusted!!! he even texted her somerthin inapproarte about havin no1 to rub cream on him!!!! i dnt no what to do. i feel so sick lookin at my father. he gives us a hard time at home, and he;s out doin this!!! wtf. please can sum1 privide me with some advice or help! MANY THANKS.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Hello,
So sorry to hear you're are feeling really upset over what you FEEL is happening with your Father.
My first thoughts reading your question, was that you say your Dad's behaviour over the past FEW YEARS has got worse, so this is not something that has just arisen through you recently finding texts/Msgs on your Father phones. His behaviour has been NOT one who is a caring and loving partner or Father by the sound of what you have depicted, so for me, as mush as this is hugely disturbing for you, it is something really between your Mum and Dad.
If your Mum has turned a blind eye, or ignored your fathers BAD behaviour for so long, it makes me wonder what else is going ON in their marriage, which I'm afraid children NEVER see, as much can go on between husband and wife, that no one ever knows about. Now as you don't say anything about your Mother at all, whether she is a woman who is subservient, timid, or perhaps has always gone along with this behaviour, or has she changed too.
If your Father treats YOUR Mother badly, then your Mother should be the one to make her stand and certainly not put up with it - it must be them for to decide if this is what they're willing to put up with. You know I say this so often, marriage is ONLY for life if it's working, NOT if it isn't, it is not and should not be a contract for a life, unless it's healthy, loving and full of equal respect.
But if couples are willing to put up with this type of relationship, I'm afraid as much as your intentions are GOOD, to want your Dad to improve his behaviour, it cannot be you to initiate it.
I would ask you to think back and try to remember when your parents were last seen being openly loving and affectionate to each other, holding hands, hugs and lots of emotional displays of affection - I'm asking you this, because a lot of couples do sometimes GIVE up on all this after many years of marriage, and all that's left is the bill paying, routine and a distance memory of being a man and a woman together, because you see, your parents are NOT just parents, they are people in their own right first.
I'm not excusing or condoning you Fathers msges/texts or images you've seen - but IF two people NO longer connect affectionately or make love together, this can happen in a marriage that is 20, 30 or 40 years, people CAN behave in a way children would not want. But what you have to remember here, we are ALL human, and human beings need emotional and physical connection. So if your Dads behaviour has become worse OVER the past FEW years, there MAY be a reason for it, meaning if your Mum and Dad have stopped loving each other, IF I said, then, he may be very unhappy too, hence his rather odious behaviour.
You are obviously NOT a teenager, as your posting suggests 26-29 so you could approach your mum and tell her how you feel about the way your Dad doesn't seem as happy as he used to be..and how does she feel about it all, but NOT say anything about the phones messages. See how she deals with it, she may tell you she's got used it, and that's how it is, or she may tell you she would love to get away, either way you can open up an opportunity for HER to tell her side, that way you will be better informed, and perhaps understand why she has gone along with it for so long, and MORE about your Dad too.
I really hope this has helped you see a wider perspective of things...and more so, you talk with your Mum and if she needs some help, you'll be there for her.
Good luck!
Jilly
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Your mum probably is aware of all this going on because he is treating her badly. You need to help her find the strength to tackle this. Try to get her on her own and see if she will talk to you, then you will know her feelings about this and maybe you could tell her that you are on her side and if she wants to do something about this situation you will help her in anyway you can. Some women will put up with situations, if you mum does open up to you then you can help her if she wishes. Basically you need to find out how much your mum knows before you can work on the next move. Is there anyone else in the family that could support you on this. Be careful. Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Tell your mom.
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