A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife told me she'd received an angry phone call from my dad at 8am yesterday accusing me of cheating and having a gay relationship, and she doesn't believe a word of it.Apparently dad had hired a private investigator to follow me because he'd seen me visiting a man's house and giving him a hug and he believed I was having an affair. (A friend of his in the area had seen it once, and sent him photos, not that I knew)My wife, however, knows the true story; a friend of mine has cancer (not terminal, and he'd been treated for Hodgkin's lymphoma in early March 2020, recovering from it now), and she was pleased to see how caring I was being. My friend lives alone, he's been divorced for 6 years (his wife ended it to move back to Costa Rica, their relationship ended naturally, nothing like cheating etc., from what my husband knows).I've been there to provide practical and emotional support for him, he's not got a great support network since moving to where he lives 6 years ago, he moved from an Italian-American neighborhood in NYC to here in a Midwestern state. At the time I met him I was freelancing between states, often Connecticut's big cities, LA and NYC where were I worked.My friend is Italian-American. In general, being physical is part of Italian culture, from what I know, and he's always been like that anyway, nothing gay about it, known him for 13 years now. He's not gay, not that it would have mattered if he was.He lives 5 miles away from us, I used to go into his neighborhood every so often for work (still do, since I can't work from home during this pandemic, my job is a fairly dangerous one, as I work with dangerous chemicals and ensure they're stored/kept secure)Me and my wife are going to tell my dad that I'm not in any gay relationship, but how do we do so without getting him angry and accusing us of lying?As it is my mom doesn't believe a word of it, and insists my dad is wrong... but he accuses her of siding with me.What's the best solution that can resolve this dispute, surely there is one isn't there?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2021): Seems your dad is seriously homophobic; and his paranoia and prejudice is getting the better of him. What's more important, is that your wife believes you; and your mother is totally unconvinced. This is all strictly your dad.
Your father's suspicions and paranoia seem engrained; and what he thinks his friend saw, and whatever the private investigator claims, is what he believes. You can't spend too much of your time worrying about it; but he has no right to be spying on you. That's really weird. Not unusual for a wealthy father who stipulates your inheritance is contingent on you being 100% heterosexual, and having kids. Then he's likely to keep an eye on you; until he thinks you'll slip-up.
Has your father ever met your friend? He's judging things from afar, and things are not always what they appear to be. Private investigators can take pictures, but they can't always prove the context of the image. Two men hugging isn't gay. Two European men captured on photo kissing each-other on the cheek, or two Arab men walking holding hands might be construed as gay in our American-culture.
I don't think you should allow your father to endanger your marriage. If necessary, seek legal-counsel, if you feel he won't back-off; or might jeopardize your marriage with his persistence.
How does your father feel about your wife and her family? If she is of another nationality, political party, or ethnic-origin; he may be attempting to sabotage your marriage. If you don't have kids yet, he could be trying to figure-out what the hold-up is?
Thus far, he has provided no significant or indisputable-evidence. Whatever photos he has, or his friend has seen is totally inconclusive. Just pictures of two men embracing. You're visiting a sick friend, who happens to be male and single. I didn't know that makes you gay. If he doesn't find you both in a lip-lock, or worse; he's going to have a very hard time proving you're gay. Maybe he's suffering from early-on dementia; which is sometimes evidenced by the sufferer making wild unsubstantiated-accusations, and seeing things that aren't really there. Paranoia and confusion are also symptoms. You might want to take your wife with you more often when you visit. Make him waste his money; until he decides it's not worth it.
Seems he's got it in for you, and it doesn't make any sense. Not if he's a wealthy-guy, paranoid about his name and reputation, or scandal. Hiring a PI is over the top. I suspect early signs of dementia may be the problem here. Unless you're really hiding something, and feel trapped. He's not going to stop; until he ruins your marriage. Not much you can do, but you should still speak to a lawyer. Who might send him a letter to cease and desist.
If your dad witnessed something unusual about you in your youth, maybe you're very sensitive, very handsome; or if he may have seen something between you, and another boy that seemed suspicious in the past. He may have had these suspicions for years. People judge by stereotypical-behavior, and it's very difficult to undo prejudices at your father's age.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): It is ok to go no contact with family who abuse you.Why do you even talk to him at all after this.Is it about the money???Tell us why you take this abuse so I can try to understand.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 May 2021):
 Wow! Just wow! I am shocked (not to mention furious) that your father feels he has some right to hire a PI and to attempt to wreck your marriage! What the hell is wrong with him? Even if he believed you were cheating on your wife, surely the fatherly thing to do would have been to talk to YOU and tell you what he thought he had discovered?
Why are you taking this so calmly? Why do you feel you owe him ANY explanation? Why do you think he has the right to try to wreck your marriage?
The important thing is that your wife knows the real story and knows your father's spin on it is utter baloney. You do NOT owe him any explanations.
In your shoes I would confront him, tell him that it takes more than a hug to constitute a sexual relationship and that, if he ever hires a PI to spy on you again, you will consult with a solicitor about harassment.
Again I have to ask, why are you taking this so calmly?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): Why do you care if an obvious lunatic becomes angry at you? Tell him to go kick rocks and cut contact with him. If he insist on spreading these lies have a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter.
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