A
female
age
30-35,
*nonem
writes:Am I a demon for not caring that my dad is dying from cancer and i want nothin to do with it or him or those who care about it. I've posted about my dad with other accounts which I have deactivated. So I would just give a summary of what he did.He abused me and my siblings to the core. He has so many children and there were always the favourites and we weren't even the least. My dad said many times that we will never make it in life without him. I might sound bitter writing this but I am not. I reached a point where I actually forgot him and moved on but my sister, brother and mother who are so used to the abuse wouldnt let go. I expected them to wish him well and have nothing to do with him but they are crying and wanting to spend last death moments with him. I felt bad but that was it. Once a billionaire, successful man now looks like a walking corpse waiting to die. I am sorry i dont feel bad. I want to but I can't because when i cut people out of my life I don't go back. My family keeps saying forgive and forget. I have forgotten l have nothing to forgive. Whether he lives or dies, it won't change anything. I want to feel bad but I cant. Now I'm labelled a witch because I really don't care and I didn't ask them not to care. I just want to be left out of it. Am i really that heartless? I can't really say what he did to us all over again because my post will be too long but he really damaged us. Everything I am today is a reflection of the years of abuse and turmoil but i decided to move on and let it not define me. Yet my family wants me to be sympathetic for someone that had none towards us. I want to cut them off since they love the abuse so much. Am I wrong to do this?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 Why would you need to call him every day? Don't. I know you feel pressured to, but just call once a week or something, if you feel you have to call.
Don't blame your family, just because you're feeling trapped. How they feel isn't wrong, just like how you feel isn't wrong.
If you continue struggling with this, speak to a therapist. You have unresolved issues and his death won't make them go away.
A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (31 January 2018):
anonem is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your comments including the ones I don't agree with because my mind is fixated. But i was under a lot of pressure to call him which I did. But the call ended abruptly and I called back once, there was no response. I was glad and I haven't called back since.
Now the pressure is too much on me again to call him everyday. It's annoying. I just want to drop my phone in water. I've been avoiding contact with my family because of the pressure to call back and daily especially. I just don't have anything to say.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): Naturally all parents are protective of their offsprings and some are probably overprotective because they don't want their kids make the same mistakes and failures they made in their life. That is why generally kids end up doing better than their parents and succeed more otherwise there wouldn't be any progress in life. Also it is natural that kids rebel over the restrictions parents apply hence conflects and quarrels start. Of course we don't know what kind of mental and physical abuse your father has done we can only assume there were beatings and nasty words. I however say to avoid hind regrets later you should make peace with him, put your pride and pain aside and pay him a visit and see how it goes and how his reaction would be. I am sure when he is gone your relationship with your family will improve and the bad memories although not forgotten, will be buried in the past. As a young person I am sure you have the resilience to put those memories behind you and concentrate on the future. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2018):
If you've reached the point where you don't care, then you don't care. It's not your job to care about someone who didn't properly care for you.
If your family can't understand or doesn't she that's fine, don't cut them off, just tell them you have no desire to have anything to do with your dad and that's the end if the conversation. If they don't respect that them maybe you should be away from them during this difficult time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): You are entitled to your feelings but...I think you should forgive him not for him but for you.You do not need to carry the burden of his abuse anymore.You can tell him I forgive you but I shall never forget.The abuse you have done to me does not define who I am for I am better than that.Then you leave and be glad you never have to see him again.When he dies do not feel bad if you are glad..you have every right to be.Even though he abused your whole family every one reacts different to death..even a victim.You may take a break from them for a while to get some peace.But later when everyone is not so emotional give them another chance.Your dad is leaving the earth in the most painful way karma has come back to him.Take comfort in the fact that you are such a strong and brave person and because of that I have faith that your future will be much better.Do what is right for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): I wouldn't cut your siblings and mother off - they might be able to brush over the years of abuse because of this tragic situation but that doesn't mean they were unaffected. I imagine that they cling to your father now as a last ditch effort to have amends made, to leave things on better terms which is not 100% for your fathers sake but likely for what they feel they need. Some closure that they will never get again on this issue and may regret later if they don't grab the opportunity. They want to share this with you and I can see where are coming from, but I can see where you are coming from too ..... to survive sometimes you just can't look back, you have to move forward etc. I would say do what you feel is best regarding your father but keep the rest of the family, you might want a little break from them during this intense emotional time but don't cut them off unless they are a harm to you long term. You all deal with things differently and that is ok.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 January 2018):
You don't have to see him, but cutting your family off just because they do want to see him is over-dramatic and not fair. It's their right to cope how they cope, the same way you are coping by choosing to keep your distance.
Them being around him when he is DYING does not mean they "love the abuse so much". Don't be childish. You supposedly aren't upset by his looming death, so have no reason to be annoyed with them seeing him. They *do* care that he'll pass away soon, so it makes sense that they are concerned and upset that you don't care.
If you genuinely don't care (though I believe it's more complicated than that), don't go to see him, but don't hold it against your family that they *do* want to see him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 January 2018):
First you are not a demon. You are not a witch and you are not wrong for the way you feel.
What is happening to you is sadly not unusual in abusive families. Everyone decides for various reasons to bury their heads in the sand and pretend everything is okay. Anyone who refuses to go along with the charade is cast as the villain and unfortunately that is you.
I hope that you are getting help to overcome the obvious anger you feel toward this man. At some point you have to let it go not to forgive him but so that you can be unburdened by it.
Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (30 January 2018):
anonem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was a mental and physical abuse. Mostly mental anyway
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): What kind of abuse he inflicted on you? Was it sexual abuse or just he was a strict father who wanted you to study hard and succeed in your life? If he was the latter then I would say you should forgive and forget but if he abused you sexually, then I would say you are right not to want to see him.
...............................
|
