A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old female in her last year of university.Recently my family found out my little sister (15 years old) cuts herself and was hanging out with a strange crowd. To curb this, they have given her everything that makes her happy and have decided to relocate her to my college town.The problem is that they are making me, as a 21 year old, move back into the house to be a support for my mom and sister. And my parents believe they can treat me as a child.I told them how I wanted my room decorated. They went out and bought a bed I did not want, something that I told them from the beginning I did not want. And they spent my entire budget on that one item so now I have no ability to furnish the rest of my room.I have a committed relationship with a man who lives about 30 minutes away. He likes to drive to see me during the week and spend the night. My parents say I am not allowed to have him for sleepovers any more. This will put a lot of strain on our relationship because we won't be able to see each other as often.HOW CAN I DEAL WITH THIS?I have expressed myself and my need for space. I should be able to write the rules in my own space, I should be able to decorate my space how I choose. I am a 21 year old adult!!!I am too old to have boundaries set by my parents. They are going to try to control my alcohol intake, when I go on dates, what time I come in at night.I have tried to express myself but they blow me off saying that family solidarity and family values come first.But at the expense of my mental health and independence?I am so upset. I feel like they do not listen to me, they didn't even listen to their younger daughter until they found out she was cutting. Maybe I should start doing something similar to get a proper response.I feel like they are doing everything for one daughter at the expense of the other.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 August 2010):
 What would they do if you got a job? Stop paying for school, you have one year left? That's what student loans are for, or you can apply for pell grants which you don't have to pay back. If they're using the supplied income against you, get your own. I got my first job at 18, my dad paid for community college then I paid out of my own pocket for the rest. You need to learn to be independent anyhow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): hi all,
thanks for the advice. i guess i should mention several things:
1. i have been very supportive of my situation with my sister. she came and stayed with me for several weeks and i try to keep in constant contact with her. my sister has stopped cutting. in the meantime my parents have been catering to her every beck and call.
2. no matter what i will be a disobedient, troublesome daughter if i follow your advice because my parents FORBID me from having a job while being a student. so, they use the fact that they are my only source of income against me. i would love to move out, but they control the purse strings, because, again THEY CONTROL ME.
all of you expect a lot more from my parents...
so basically, i am getting shafted and i don't know what to do. and i guess i am taking my last stand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): I understand what your parents are trying to do. They are panicked about your younger sister's situation, and they think that by reconvening the family into a 'perfect' unit, they can solve her problems. They love her, and they are worried, so they are trying to protect her.
However, in my experience this is likely to make the situation worse, not better. Being a teenager is very, very tough. You have to learn to get to grips with the emotional and moral complexity of the adult world, and you have to learn the imperfections of the universe. Teenagers do strange things to cope - they have strange moods, they suddenly become rude, they make mistakes, they test limits, they become anxious and depressed, they self-harm, take drugs, drink alcohol, have casual sex. And all the while, poor parents naturally worry about the effects of those things on their physical and mental wellbeing!!
However, going through that experience is very much part of normal growing up. Kids have to have some time and space to make some mistakes (within reason, of course) in order to learn. The key thing is that they learn to handle those mistakes with honesty, decency, and practicality - in other words, that they learn practical and emotional resilience. Becoming an adult doesn't mean that you never do stupid things, but it does mean learning that you can handle the consequences of your actions, and that you can be independent and strong. Wrapping kids in cotton wool and protecting them from the outside world is a wonderful and loving idea, but actually it risks creating a person who has no self-confidence and no experience of handling tough situations - someone who effectually never grows up and gains the confidence that whatever life throws at them, they will deal with it.
While I don't know the whole situation, it doesn't sound as though your sister's behaviour is completely abnormal (by teenage standards, that is!). So from the outside, judging on limited information, it sounds like your family's move and attempts to reconvene a family unit that relies on treating you as if you are about 12 instead of 21 comes from a huge overreaction, a moral panic rather than a rational decision. The days when you all lived together as parents and children in one happy home are gone - you are grown up now, and you can no more be expected to act like a 12 year old than your sister can be expected to act like a mature 28 year old! An attempt to force your family clock back 10 years is an understandable impulse but I'm afraid it's very obviously doomed to fail.
I would therefore be very wary about moving back into the family home, because I think you will find it nigh-on impossible to live an independent and adult life in the current circumstances. It would be utterly different if your sister was seriously unwell with cancer and in need of constant care and your parents couldn't cope. Then it would be helpful and kind for you to move back and help. However, in this instance I'm not sure that having you around the house, feeling imprisoned and resentful, is going to bring your family back together. In fact, it sounds a lot like a recipe for disaster and more trauma, which may just make the entire situation worse.
I don't think there can be much of a 'half way' house either. Basically, you can't move back in and then refuse to pay attention to your parents' rules and regulations: it is their house, the seat of their values and beliefs, and to disrespect that would be deeply wrong. They are also entitled to decorate their own dwelling however they like, unfortunately! But don't undervalue the support you can provide if you continue to live and work outside of the family home instead of moving back in. An independent, happy, successful, balanced, role model sister who is doing well at college, running her own life, and having lots of independent but responsible fun, is precisely what your sister needs right now. You can still be 'around' - every day after work if need be - and you can also play a crucial role, that of the 'big sister' confidante and friend who can understand both your sister's and your parent's perspectives, but is independent of both too. Teenagers will often listen to older siblings in a way they won't listen to parents, and your advice and support could do your sister a lot of good.
What your sister needs right now is a sense of love and stability, and some professional counselling, but also some space in which she can express herself and her frustrations in healthier ways than at present. You can be part of that, but maybe not if you live under the same roof. I suggest sitting your parents down and talking calmly and rationally to them about the situation, explaining that you're not making a selfish decision but that you think you can actually be more helpful at a 'close distance' - somewhere where you have plenty of contact, but can also retreat to your own space. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): Move out try and get a job
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): ,you are grown nd they're treating you like your five years old although i don't suggest you start cutting on yourself like your little sister did i do suggest that you move out and live your life because i don't think its right that they are trying to control you like that and you are basically letting them i know they are your parents and you love them to death as im sure you love your sister very much also but enough is enough and they are going to far . i would move out and just come visit a few days out of the week but i surely wouldn't let them control the way they're controlling you its just not right .
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 August 2010):
How did they make you move back into their house? I'm guessing you lived on campus and they said they were going to stop paying for it?
I see how your parents are trying their best to please your sister keep her happy and mostly cutting. Trying the family route, but most of all your sister does needs some counseling because all the family time and material things in the world aren't going to keep her from cutting. I'm sure they don't mean to lose sight of one daughter over the other, you're a college student on the right track to your career they don't have to worry about you. Now, your biggest problem I agree with you, you're an adult and you make your own choices. However, you are living under their roof so you do have to respect and live by their rules. You've got 2 choices:
A. Sit down with your parents and have a discussion..tell them you are an adult and are capable of making your own responsible choices and frankly your a tad too old for some of these boundaries. See if these rules are negotiable, when you go out on a date is your time with your boyfriend since he can't stay over (chances are they won't budge on that one) a curfew is for teenagers but you're not going to come tromping home at 5am, some nights will be earlier than others, alcohol intake that's your own business. And throw in something to please them such as participating in family night.
B. Move back out. Maybe move in with your boyfriend.
I suggest giving A one more shot, make sure you're very mature about it..If not then you're going to have to move out that's the only way you won't have limitations and boundaries. Maybe move in with your boyfriend?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): well this is what i would do ok? i would first talk to her and ask her why? when she tells you talk to her and say everyone is here for you and you dont have to do this well say pretty much what you want to get her to quit then if she doesnt... get her help with a shrink... 3
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 I think your family's intention is to show your sister that "we are a family, and no matter what you are so loved." Your parents didn't realize how indifferent you are.
To be an adult means having compassion when one family member is in trouble, and being as supportive as possible. How the room is decorated is less important. To be an adult means you trust that relationships would work out just fine even though he can't be sleeping over. If he's an adult too he would understand your family needs support. If he really loves you he would care for your sister too.
Think of it not as losing your independence, rather than learning the value of patience and understanding. When you have a kid your own and he/she becomes self destructive you would do whatever to make it right again. It's not about who's the good child, who's the bad child. It's about being there. She might have to learn it the hard way but let's prevent something really bad happening to her so there is no turning back.
If you don't feel as loved by your parents realize their priority is to save your sister right now. You can express your need to be loved by them later when your sister becomes more sensible and mature.
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