A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this wonderful man long distance for two years.it got to the point i wanted to marry this man!but then..he came to visit me.and when i saw him,my heart fell.I knew he was overweight but i didn't expect this! Sometimes i have difficulty just holding his hand and it kills me. I've been crying the past three days over this...i love my man's personality to death,but i don't feel any desire for his body..i want to be able to cuddle with him and kiss him but i can't! And it hurts. I've thought of breaking up with him and staying friends but i don't really want to do that.I tried looking online for someone who had this problem,and one person said something that struck me. They wanted someone with that man's personality but a different body. I've admitted to my boyfriend his looks don't appeal to me.and he said if it'd make me happy,he'd lose weight or break up with me. But i don't want to ask him to change! Serious conflicting messages i know..i want him to change but i don't want to ask him to. It's so frustrating...I wanted to have a family with this man, but now i can't even kiss him...i want us both to be happy. I'm not sure what to do or say...I mean,he tried to help but talking on the phone again in separate rooms but i just broke down and started hyperventilating so he quickly ended that to let me calm down.he's a sweet man truly...it's just his gut turning me off! I don't even care his face isn't that attractive, it's his waist line. Go figure. Can anyone offer some advice please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): I have been in this situation and I somehow got over the weight issue, only to find out in time that other issues would follow (although the problem of being disgusted with his appearance never went away).
It's easy to idealize when you're not next to that person. You don't have an opportunity to see what your life together would be like. On a long distance, it's quite possible that you would give a chance to someone you would never ever consider if you knew him from your proximity. It's quite possible that his obesity would not be the only thing that bothers you later.
Besides, you should not be with a man physically if he disgusts you.
It is a lifestyle problem and if he wasn't able to solve it on his own, I wouldn't hope for too much. I wouldn't want to offend anyone, but think what else this obesity means - he doesn't know (or doesn't care) what's healthy for him and isn't capable to take care of his own life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This is way online dating for more than just a few weeks at the very most is a recipe for disappointment. You can not date someone for so long without meeting them. It just dosent work out! You can't be someone you don't even want to kiss! You have to leave him pronto and adopt a different dating strategy!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 A relationship is not a relationship until you meet in person. That is my professional and personal opinion, and you just demonstrated why.
You either accept him as is, or end it and find someone else. That is your only choice. Asking him to change, or quilting yourself into changing just does not work for long term relationship success.
Making even the best of relationships work long term is hard enough when you are both fully committed to it. If you can not get past this situation at this stage, you certainly will not be able to manage to keep this relationship alive when more serious challenges in life happen.
What are see here are deeper issues however, that you both need to consider.
1-He wants you to be the one to be responsible for either asking him to change, or breaking up...which is not a good repeating behavior pattern. This is so he can blame you.
2-You want him to be the one to break things off, or choose to change for himself, so that you can blame him. Again, this is not a good repeating behavior pattern to make a long term relationship work.
and most important...
It took 2 YEARS of long distance romancing for the two of you to finally meet in person. I would say this is likely a sign of creative avoidance...on some level there is a deep fear of intimacy (easier to be in love with someone that you do not have to face in real life, as your imagination fills in for the reality you want to ignore).
Now, you are finally together, BUT it is not the same as what you had long distance, which was not as "real". Your imagination can not replace the reality.
So, my question to you is this:
Is the issue really his obesity, or would you have found a different reason to not be comfortable with physical contact?
Whether it is you being repulsed by him, or if there is a deeper issue, this match up is not a good thing. If you need to be convinced this much to be with him now, forget it.
He deserves to be with a woman that accepts him unconditionally...all of him. If you love him you will b e willing to give him up.
If you really really loved him, you would never be satisfied being "just friends" with him. That is just not how real life works.
-Frank Kermit
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (25 August 2010):
 You said that you fell in love with him even though you had a long distance relationship. Now that you are together, can you try to give it a chance?
I agree with you, you can't ask him to change for you. He has to want to get in shape for himself not for anyone else. It sounds that you guys can openly talk about anything. What does he say about his weight? Does it bother him? Does he want to do something about it?
If he does, see if he follows through. Now that you are close to each other, give yourself a chance to get used to his looks. If however you cannot, and find him repulsive sexually, I think you do need to break up, because there is no way you can make him happy, and he deserves to be with someone who will accept him the way he is.
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