| A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My family believes rigidly that relationships are a burden to them in some way and that they have to satisfy all the expectations of the people they are relating with, if not, they think of themselves to be guilty and feel scared about what other people would think about them. They readily accept what others have to say to them as if people were always honest and give more importance to what others say about them than what they themselves think about them. They have been trying to infringe in to my privacy for quite so many years to dump and enforce this rigidly endorsed behavior on to me and i have rightly been challenging them as i was pretty confident that it doesn't have to be that way. Now that i am getting engaged, i am overwhelmed by these fears of other members of my family like my mother and elder brother who find it hard to accept that a relationship need not be a burden and could be something that can be relished and celebrated...But then i have times when i really feel tired of relating to people when i give in to my instinct of giving more than getting back from others. So i am an easy target for those who want to exploit me for their own benefits. It sometimes makes me feel guilty and ashamed to be asking to get something i want from people i am relating to. I need some advice on how do break this cycle.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Farris  +, writes (3 June 2007):
 Congratulations on your engagement. In my view, this is an important event in showing EVERYONE (including yourself) that your family might just have it wrong.
It's up to your family whatever they want to believe, so long as you are happy. They obviously hold little regards for your ideals on relationships, but so do you theirs. Have you ever tried to tell them how you feel about this? I know that it might feel like a dead-end but you should try calmly and carefully explaining to them how it's making you feel. There might not be a solution to this, but maybe you can find a middle post?
Now, for yourself. I think that you should definitely talk to your partner about this. Explain to them, that you're not upset at them in particular for taking more than they give to you, but just explain about your family and how it gets you down sometimes. In this way, they can be the one that reinforces you when you feel weak.
At the end of the day, YOUR life is YOURS to live. You don't have to live by your family's standard, and they should be told this.
Good luck & Best wishes.
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