A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help?My grandma is very old (in her seventies) and called me an "old maid" (I am 25!) In her day girls were married by 17 or 18....and she said if I don't get married soon her blood pressure is already high and she may have a heart attack. I do have a boyfriend but we are not quite ready yet, a few more things to take care of...but also my mom is saying when when when and since it's taking us a while I don't think she or my grandma will breathe a sigh of relief until I get officially engaged. I know it will happen, just not yet and the pressure is giving me a bit of a headache. Also, my mom is a little wary because my boyfriend is from India and my grandpa who is from oklahoma calls him one of those "ay-rabs" (Arabs? He's not of Arabic origin!) but he's been here for 15 years so I am not worried about that. He is not the type to ditch for an Indian girl and HE IS THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! If I had built him to order I couldn't have asked for better. He's patient, good tempered, smart as a whip, humble, friendly financially stable, sensible, and good looking too! He also voted for Obama, and the legalization of gay marriage. Another bone to pick since my parents are conservative christian republicans. Anyways, how to deal with an anxious, religious, cautious, subtly racist mother, an openly racist grandpa, and a grandma who will die if I don't walk down the aisle? My dad's cool with everything.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2012):
Marriage made under pressure usually wind up in the divorce court. Stick with your Dad's opinions, since he sounds at the very least like he's letting you lead your own life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): I have been in your shoes, as your family sounds a lot like my in-laws. I've been married 15 years and let me just warn you - if you're feeling pressure and oppression now, it will only get worse with time and your ability to brush it off will decrease and you will become more sensitive to their disrespect and slights.
I agree it's a tough situation that you're in. I dont' really know of a good way to handle it. I think you should stick to your own plans and not let their views and words influence your decision-making. Their hangups about your relationship status and/or boyfriend's ethnicity, are THEIR problem, not yours. they can think however they want about you or him, but common courtesy dictates that they should keep their opinions to themselves and not try to make you change (which will be very difficult or highly unlikely if your parents are conservative evangelical republicans as that demographic tends to view it as their divine calling to be intolerant and change other people to fit their mold). If they don't accept you as you are and your life choices, then you're perfectly justified in spending less time around them until they learn to be less controlling of you.
my husband grew up in a very conservative evangelical republican family and only now - in his late 40s - is he finally breaking free from their "mind control". And let me tell you, the anger and rage in him from years of being oppressed by them, is very palpable. so in a way I think I understand what you're going through, and since you're only in your mid 20s you still have a lot of years left in which you will have to deal with your parents. But everyone's journey to figure out who they are is different. When my husband and I were your age he was only beginning to feel the discontent but couldn't quite put his finger on it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Sorry, I laughed at your question. Families huh, you have ta love 'em.
Ask Grandma if she really wants you to rush into marriage and a parcel of kids just to let her die happy. Ask her if there is an end date you should be working towards.
Print off a map of the world for Grandpa, draw a red circle around India and write "ASIA" on it and XX (your boyfriend's name) comes from here", draw a circle around the middle east and write "Some AY RABS LIVE HERE"
Grandpa may be doing the Ay Rab thing simply to stir you, sometimes these things are hard to tell.
As for Christian right wing republican Mum, well, she is probably feeling a little threatened now after the elections, as long as she is not openly hostile to your boyfriend all will be well, and cultivate Dad, he sounds cool!
Just continue as you are, all will be okay in the end!
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