A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recovered from depression about 4 months ago and I'm having real trouble dealing with 'the aftermath'. Actually it's more that everybody else is having trouble; I'm doing really well at college, have a job and an amazing boyfriend. Overall I'm incredibly happy (most of the time). But my family are causing me real trouble. Some out of character things that I did when I was depressed are catching up with me now, and no one seems to understand that I've moved on now. When I was in counselling about 6 months ago I was told that my mother was a big problem, and that she showed strong indications that she suffered from depression herself.We don't get on at all, but things have been particularly bad recently. I've been seriously looking into moving out and getting a place with my boyfriend, however I'm under 18 so no one is interested in being my landlord and my boyfriend is having trouble getting a job and is in £700 debt to his bank, so that's not really going anywhere. So as I'm stuck in a house with my mum we get very angry with eachother, and because she has no friends she tells everything to the rest of the family, who automatically take her side and start getting involved and judging me. I've fallen out with my cousin (we've always been close until now) because she took 'helping me' too far and just reached a point where she was insulting me and my friends, now she won't even talk to me. My brother should know what I'm going through better than anybody as my relationship with mum is pretty much repeating history as to his relationship with her was 4 years ago, but he's taking her side and ganging up on me, which is also really hard on me because he's always been the only one who understood what it's like to live with mum, now I feel so alone. Now I've lost all my family which is horrible because I've always been so close to them (my brother was in hospital a lot when I was younger so I tended to stay with family while Mum looked after him, therefore I've always been closer to them because they brought me up). My boyfriend is the only person I can talk to but he grew up in care and doesn't know his family so doesn't really understand why I'm so upset.I've reached the point where I don't even know my own mind anymore, I'm completely confused because everyone's telling me I'm depressed when I know my life is going so well. It's like my boyfriend and I (he's with my 24/7 so should know) are the only people who think I'm sane. There's so many people in my family so how can they all be wrong?I went to my doctor and asked her if I was delusional, and she said that I definitely wasn't depressed I was practically a new person compared to how I used to be, and that I was glowing.How can I resolve this? I''ve looked at it from every angle and I can't see a solution.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Since you are dealing with your past situation positively you have every right to expect others to help you move on. The past is a place where when dwelled upon can interfer with a brigher future.
Think about everything concerning your present. If things are strained between you and your Mom let her know you love her and ask her to go to counseling with you to help you two reconnect. Don't push moving in with your b/f at this time it would only cause more problems.
If anyone is negetive about your relationships or your problems then don't spend time around them. Find positive influences that will help reinforce your new attitude.
Be respectful toward your Mother, you won't regret it. (Honor thy Mother and thy Father)If she is being the best Mom she can be, try to understand that being a parent is as hard as being a teenager. If she suffers from depression she could have fear of you having a worse life than she did. She may not know how to deal with the depression and if she isn't being treated for it this could pose a huge problem.
If you suspect that she does have depression ask her to get help because you LOVE her and you want to have a good relationship with your MOM. It is easy to lay blame and although it may be her fault that you have so many problems it is unfair to blame her completely. You did admit that you were doing out of chaacter while you were depressed.
Mother's love but sometimes they don't know how to be good Mother's. They simply do their best. Depression is sometimes hereditary, sometimes it is brought on by certain health problems or events in life. We don't have a real choice to be depressed or not as clinical depression is due to fluctuations of the chemicals in the brain.
Learning how to cope and deal with depression is a major issue. It takes more than just willpower to bring a family back together again when a loved one suffers from the condition. Keep working on yourself but don't stop trying to rebuild the relationship that you have with your Mother. It is quiet possible that she doesn't know how to express what she feels in any other way than talking about it to others. It seems to you that she is putting your business in the streets and you feel embarrassed and angry.
Talk to your Doctor about ways to help you reconnect with your Mom. Try having her come to some of your sessions. Don't be too hard on her or yourself. Show her the love and support she probably needs just as much as you do. Let your new positive attitude shine!
May God help you and your Mom to become closer and rebuild your loving family relationship. God bless you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): the only way i can think of is to show them that you are not depressed. Little things can go a long way. Smiling is a great way. A smile is the first thing someone notices on you and so instantly shows them you are in a good mood. By doing this frequently they should see how you are in a good mood most of the time and not depressed.
Also try to be friendly to people, even if you really feel they are wrong and you dislike them. By doing this you can show that you are willing to make peace and be friends- not something a depressed person would do!
Next try telling them about all the good things that happened in your day. Include them in your live and tell them just how great your life is at the moment- tell them about a new person you met as a friend, tell them if someone was nice to you, tell them if you recieved a good grade in college. Tell them anything positive. They will be happy you talk to them, pleased that yo want to include them znd even happier that this is not something that a depressed person would do.
Finally just be nice, polite, calm and considerate. Don't get into arguements, always listen to what they have to say and just be your naturally happy self. Take heed of my advice and i am sure that they will eventually see you as a non depressed person. The key is not to do anything that might lead them to think that you are depressed and in fact at every oppurtunity do the opposite. And remember, a smile is infectous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Have you considered that your Mum might be more comfortable with the old you than the new and shiny version? I am not saying your mother wishes you unhappy but it is possible it is subconscious and your happiness is emphasising her own disatisfaction with life. It is time for you to really really make a good plan to get out of the toxic situation you are in because you have done so well to dig yourself out of depression - it is not easy. How can you remove yourself from the 'trap' of the family situation - you need to stand firm and keep hold on to your own dreams, goals and ambitions. I think you are much wiser than you realise and I wish you every success with your relationship - family need to be compartmentalised while you concentrate on happier areas. Let them gossip and judge - decide whose opinion really counts. I have been in a similar situation to you (albeit later in life) and it is isolating but you know what? You know what is good and bad - and that takes guts.
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