A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all Please advise. I ve been dating this fabulous guy for around a monthnow. He is kind, intelligent, reliable, handsome and has loads of otger great qualities. We get on very well and I could not ask for more except he doesn' t do oral which I like! I gave him oral a couple of weeks back. I have not since then, and last night when wecwere messaging I asked him if he likes doing it to women. He said he had never done it. I said I was surprised as lots of men do. He siad hes one of the ones that doesn't. I said ok. I won' t be doing it either then. He said ok but you did I said that its not a one way street. Anyway , I dont want to make an issue out of it with him, but am dissapointed, as I like foreplay and he is great in so many other ways, but i'm not sure if its a deal breaker for me and d on't know how to approach it or if too approach it. He's 48.If he hasn't done it by now he won't be doing it, and told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't. I have always liked it and had it with boyfreinds, and its been part of my sex life I miss it. He perfect for me in all other waysDo I stay with him and go without? Make some kind of joke aboit not fping it to him again do he knows? Or perhaps get my satisfaction elsewhere? Any advice would be welcome Thanks in advance Xxc
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 If it was the other way around and you didnt do oral what do you think would happen. I have been met with this issue even with my ex husband and his shot out teeth. I know the guy might of had a bad experience. But you said he 48 and dont eat fish that sounds like a homo just saying. My friend that dont do oral on women might do it on men. He would say his parents taught him not to do oral. I wouldnt be with him long term cause I would cheat so I left him. He was very good in bed I thought I was sleeping with guy version of myself. Im not go be able to do it I dont want him down there for hours but I would like to pull on his braids while his head is below my naval. All Im go say is this most men do it most that dont well you understand why they dont. Some people dont like to eat in the flesh of kinds and queens so to speak. If you cant deal with not having fellatio from him just keep it moving. 9 & 10 a big fat hen. Also to he may not like your hygiene or scent or all the hair you have plus if you want raw oral without dental dams its unlikely now adays from me but some do not mind when they know they have quality based off past experience.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear so confused. Its been month. He doesnt mean enough not to end it by message. You are right re. the sex thing. I've cut my my ties. He's a loser and I wont be used. Xx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2014):
 OH why did you send a message to end it. NOT cool. IMPORTANT things are never to be done as text message.
at bare minimum you needed to call him although I would have preferred a face to face visit.
he doesn't want to end it because he can either get a blow job or masturbate into you, he's already "caught you" now if you dump his lazy ass, he has to go out and find a new girl and actually pretend to be good at sex for a bit.
if you want to give him some decent closure offer to meet him for coffee in a public place to explain in detail why you are leaving him.
other wise since you ended it with him (and you can confirm he got your message) you can just ignore him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks You Wish. LOL. Its true. I love it. :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - sorry to go on Guys n' Girls but now he is messaging me kisses after my ending it message. Is he trying to get his own way or what? I don't know if or how to respond.xxx
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2014):
 If this guy makes ZERO effort to please you and thinks that "sticking it in" is the beginning and end of any sexual interaction with you, then he deserves to be celibate. That is grade A horse crap.
What a selfish loser he is. If he was 16, I'd give him a tiny bit of leeway due to his age and immaturity and lack of knowledge, but at 48? Just, no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys and Girls. Thanks for your answers. I was in no way doing tit for tat to get him to do oral, I was just a bit disappointed which I think is understandable. You are right - we are not compatible. I do need to feel satisfied. I am not 100% happy giving BJ;s, but do enjoy it and enjoy it even more if I am pleasing my partner who I care about! and yes Fatherly Advice - it is not a small thing. I had high hopes for me and this guy, but he is selfish and it got worse today as I said 'ok we know our limits!! and he answered ' YEP;'. This guy is not even willing to try and please me in anyway barr penetration as he just goes straight to it. The reason I struggled with this was because I though - 'hey this guy is great am I really going to leave over oral sex!! but decided my sexual needs are important. I have always done and received oral with BFs and enjoy it alot and could not see myself going without and didn't really want to cheat... That may have happened. He has given me no reasons for not doing it either just that he doesn't . End of.I cant do it. I orgasm that way and find it a total turn on. I;ve ended it with him - I did not tell him it was because of that just that its not going to work. He has no 'give; in him yet kept nagging me for BJs all the time and refused flat out to even consider my needs. Better of out I think. :-)
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Looks like while I was typing the whole question changed. Good choice!
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): It's difficult, because he shouldn't have to do anything that he doesn't feel comfortable with, but at the same time, you should be able to be satisfied too. I'm not really sure what to suggest.
As for me, I don't feel comfortable giving my boyfriend oral, but I do give him hand jobs. My boyfriend still gives me oral though. He doesn't mind that I don't give him oral. I don't feel comfortable doing it, but he loves doing it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2014):
 FA's advice is spot on.
And honestly your text to him about tit for tat is kind of childish, you were hoping he would say OK I'll TRY to give you oral and he thought you two were negotiating.
You two are not sexually compatible, which happens.
Instead of making a big deal out of it, just tell him and end it.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
I'm trying to figure out what it is you are struggling with. It seems to me you have already decided. You know what makes a full sexual experience for you and this guy refuses to provide it. Perhaps you are feeling guilty because you know it is his right to choose what sex he likes. We make a big deal about that. We would never advise a man to try to pressure his girl into performing oral, so the same should be true for your situation. What you are forgetting is that you also have rights just as a guy who likes oral. You and he and anyone, have the right to find a partner who is willing to give them what they need. In fact that is a good definition of a partner. Now if you were 20 years into the relationship and suddenly decided that you needed something that you had not wanted for 20 years, I would be less likely to give you this advice. Instead we would be looking at what changed. But at one month, no matter how lovely he is in other ways he has already pushed you to the point of withholding and ultimatums. What kind of loving relationship consists of both partners holding back from each other. And a relationship where one partner gives and the other partner craves is no better.
In short you say you don't want to make an issue out of it with him, but you already have. You say he is perfect except for one thing. Perfect means no exceptions. This is not a small thing.
FA
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2014):
I am with a man now who does not, will not, cannot give me oral. He is overly sensitive to smells and tastes and it's something he just will not do. I knew this when we got together.... sadly I can tell you the exact time I last had oral and I miss it. I miss is so very much but we are married and I knew this going in and at 54 i can and will survive.
I do give him blow jobs. I like giving blow jobs and sex is not a tit for tat kind of thing. FOR HIM not getting bjs is a deal breaker and he would not have stayed with me. FOR me it's sad but NOT a deal breaker at my age. IF I was YOUR age the thought of never having oral performed for me again would be a deal breaker.
you are one month in with this guy... if he will not even try (at least my guy has tried) then I'd leave now.
IF he tries and he can't manage it (some can't) then I'd still let him know it's a deal breaker and you will be seeking a better sexual fit with someone else. If you cheat that's on you but I would not cheat... rather I'd seek permission to have your sexual needs fulfilled somewhere else or I'd end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Imagine we are in a parallel dimension. In this other reality, you are not a woman but a man."Dear allPlease advise. I ve been dating this fabulous girl for around a month now. She is kind, intelligent, reliable, desirable and has loads of other great qualities. We get on very well and I could not ask for more except she doesn't do prostate milking which I like ! I gave her oral a couple of weeks back. I have not since then, and last night when we were messaging I asked her if she likes doing it to men. She said she had never done it. I said I was surprised as lots of women do. She said she's one of the ones who doesn't. I said ok. I won' t be doing it either then. She said ok but you did, I said that it's not a one way street. Anyway, I don't want to make an issue out of it with her, but am disappointed, as I like foreplays and she is great in so many other ways, but I'm not sure if it's a deal breaker for me and don't know how to approach it or if too approach it. She's 48. If she hasn't done it by now she won't be doing it, and told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't. I have always liked it and had it with girlfriends, and its been part of my sex life: I miss it. She's perfect for me in all other ways. Do I stay with her and dump her ? Make some kind of joke about not fping it to him again do he knows? Or perhaps get my satisfaction elsewhere? Any advice would be welcome Thanks in advance."Remark: do a WHOLE PERSON, full of qualities means less than a sex act? I would say that when a specific sexual act means so much, it confines to fetishism which is quite a deviation to a certain extend.My advice: you two are incompatible as things stand at the present. Thus, unless you're not working hard on that issue - you're inability to go without sexual act - you HAVE TO let her go. Do her a favour, let her look for somebody who will love her in a whole, somebody who will be able to enjoy everything she has to offer. And as for you, find yourself a woman willing to fulfill your wishes, as it seems more important than anything for you. Every Jack has his Jill, you know !
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): It depends on how important it is to you, OP. You need to decide that.
"Fixing" him is not on the cards, at his age he knows what he will and will not do. Now I can only assume "getting satisfaction elsewhere" means walking away which is an option you must consider.
Playing the denial game and withholding blow jobs specifically fore that reason is not great. I mean fair enough if you don't really like them any way then you can with this guy most likely not give them. But if you don't mind them there's no reason to be petty, it's not going to make him change his mind or be an incentive, OP.
Personally I can't do a relationship without oral, giving or receiving. To me it's a sexual need and not something that is negotiable, I have to be allowed to give and receive it regularly or I won't be satisfied. My wife is the same so we're compatible.
For you it could be a sexual need too, especially if you're a woman that only orgasms from clitoral stimulation, oral is one of the best ways to achieve that.
The question you have to ask yourself is can you live with the ways he will pleasure you and are they enough to keep you satisfied? If he can and does make you climax during sex or through manual stimulation then maybe you can live with it. Foreplay isn't just about oral and if he makes up for it in other areas then it may not be so bad.
So decide, OP, is it a deal breaker or not? Do you want a future with zero oral? If not then you have only one choice.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (28 February 2014):
 First of all, don't deny him oral if he doesn't want to perform oral on you - this is quite childish behaviour and leads to all sorts of problems later on! I'm not saying you should do it, but you shouldn't threaten to not do it just cause he won't because that just puts pressure on him and that never leads to a good place.
If anything,I would tell him that if he dosn't want to, then that's ok, maybe in the future, if he wants to try it, then you would love to give him the chance - then leave it open so that he can feel like there isn't a pressure or expectancy there because right now, you're not looking at a positive outcome when you're quick to say "well, if I don't get what I want, you can't have anything you want either".
Some men really do not like oral and that is what it is. If you didn't like giving oral you wouldn't want him to force himself on you or have him force you to do it or bargain with you to do it and so why would you expect it the other way around?
You are going to have to be 100% open and honest with him if it is going to be that big of a deal for you - or you're going to have to keep quiet about it for now and see if you can live without.
You CAN teach old dogs new tricks, so you never know what the future might bring if you're truly right for one another!
Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2014):
Sorry, he has never tried and never will was his statement?
I would just think you two aren't sexually compatible. Because as lovely as he is otherwise, if you are left unsatisfied because he doesn't want to do oral, you should just "suck it up" ? (no pun intended)
And I agree if you are considering getting " satisfaction" elsewhere HE isn't for you. That would be stupid to CHEAT on a guy because he doesn't do oral. Then you FIND a guy who is the COMPLETE package which for YOU included oral.
It's ONLY been a month so ended it should be as hard as if you had been together far longer.
You will have to decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG. Listen to this . I just got an answer re: me saying I will not be giving BJs and that it is a two way street and we just do penetration then. That cheap skate said' OK - I;ll just go along with that then' This guy ..? Good bye!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. You Wish, I agree, and no he doesn't give me orgasms any other way or through penetration yet he wants me to give him blow jobs!! He often refers to it, but yet says he does not give oral back!! He has made it plain by saying he is one of the guys that do not do it, end of. No I would not want him getting it somewhere else be it BDSM golden showers etc. I do get that, but I am not asking for golden showers, only for him not to get me to give him BJ's and then get penetrated only. It is very frustrating. He does not seem willing to do anything barr penetration. I mentioned it today and said 'Good sex is a two way street, and I won't be giving you BJ's but we can do the rest!!' . He hasn't answered. That's fine. I won't be happy with just a toy either. It's his unwillingness and selfishness that has got to me. I actually did give him a BJ a couple of weeks back and now he keeps saying, but you did then? And I said but you are not willing to try anything at all. I think it's best left. We are not compatible. I think he is selfish perhaps. He wants BJs and wants to do nothing in return. I am going to get bored. I think I had better cut my losses really unless he changes. The thing is, he actually told me at the start that he DOES give oral and now he has had oral from me has stopped making any effort to do anything!! He probably won't answer me now anyway. That's fine. I am not going to be with someone and the sex is not happening as much as I like him. I wil end up looking elsewhere - so best to leave now I think. :-) xxx
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 February 2014):
 If your considering, even for a second, getting satisfaction elsewhere, then this guy is NOT for you.
Why not introduce a 'toy' to do the job, he can use it on you, that way everyone's happy. It may even encourage him to perform with his body instead!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2014):
Well, you do have some choices here. However, "getting satisfaction elsewhere" should never cross your mind, because that is cheating. A partner's unwillingness or discomfort to perform a specific sex act is not an excuse for cheating, ever. If the situation were reversed and he wanted something you were uncomfortable with like anal, golden showers, or BDSM, would you want him getting it somewhere else because you are not comfortable with it?
The real question is - does he give you orgasms on a regular basis? Oral isn't the only foreplay out there! Besides oral, there's manual stimulation (fingers, body rubbing, scissoring), sex toys in mutual sex play, and mutual masturbation. There's also erotic massage and tantric sensation-based touching as well. That's the real question - if he truly satisfies you even if oral is off the table.
You two may not be compatible. If you've been dating for a month, and a guy who doesn't give oral is a dealbreaker, then it's best to cut your losses and move on to someone who prefers it. Trust me, there are guys who love giving oral so much that they'll pitch a tent and stay down there until the next full moon! You have to decide on this one.
I do think oral is a two-way street, and it's reasonable to want reciprocation in the oral department. However, pressuring is never good, so it hinges on whether or not you can live without it. If the answer is no, and this guy isn't adventurous (he's 48 and never even tried it? That's boring!), you have to decide. But whether it's with oral or some other way, he should be able to satisfy you and vice versa. I would find it an extreme dealbreaker to have a guy unwilling to satisfy me in some way other than intercourse alone.
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male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (28 February 2014):
If its an important part of your sexual repertoire you need to give him an ultimatum of no bj's unless he's gonna go down on you. If he's never done it, how does he know he doesn't like it. It's a very intimate, non reciprocal act which demonstrates a partners desire for you without expecting anything in return.If he cares for you, he at least owes you one try. Make sure you're spotlessly clean (as I'm sure you do anyway). Apply some nice fruity body lotions or such. Trim yourself nicely and encourage him to kiss and lick your legs and work his way up. Guide him, he's probably nervous. Even if it's not that great to start with, make lots of oohs and aahs, encourage him a bit.I wouldn't normally recommend this but even if you don't, make him think he's made you come. It will boost his ego and make him want a return visit.(if he doesn't get pleasure from bringing you to orgasm then he's not worth bothering with anyway!)Then reward him with a nice blowjob! He'll be keen to get back down there the next time if he knows what's for afters.And if none of that works, show him the door. If you're not sexually compatible then no amount of other qualities will compensate.
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