A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Since my ex split up with me back in March and went straight with another woman, this girl has done nothing but try and wind me up. Ive let them get on with things, I never publicly slated her or tried to split them up even though on this inside I was dying and utterly heartbroken. Im now in a new relationship and am very happy. Yet my exs new girl has been sending me anonymous messages critiscising my body and has been putting photos up on her facebook of my ex cuddling her baby (not their baby, her baby) knowing full well that I miscarried his child a few months before we split up. I never see them together but my friends do and they make a point of lasughing and whispering in front of my friends. Its bizarre. I definitely got the better end of the deal when my ex left although at the time I did not realise it. Im now in a happy and healthy relationship and my career is going from strength to strength. Meanwhile, since being with her my ex has lost his job, become addicted to weed and spends his days helping her look after her 5 children by different men. Friends also say he looks ill and is like a different person so I wonder whether he is having some sort of weird blip. I dont want him back and am a little ashamed I spent 4 years of my life with him to be honest. So what is their problem? I know most will say to ignore and let them get on with it and I have been but its so very weird when you know someone is out to hurt you for no reason at all. Im 30 and they are the same age.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): If you are feeling very strongly that she is a threat to you and these are deliberate messages by her to upset or intimidate you, then of course you must go to the police!But if you tell it the way you have here about you being miffed because he's attentive to her kids right after your previous situation, then they may well ask themselves what ,why , and so on.But no one here is judging you or saying you are crazy.You are just so hurt still that it is a bit upsetting because really they should not be anything to you at all.You really should tone it down a bit or just ignore it.We all agree that you have so much pain and angst and we just want to push you out of this situation and into a happier one.I just want you to ignore them ,small town or not because you have everything going for you and despite what you may feel i can understand how raw you feel.What i dont understand is why she has the capacity to hurt you emotionally when she is not even associated with you ,other than via the x who has moved on like yourself.We all agree that you have a right to privacy and happiness so you must make sure no one can get through you armour again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 She can't leave you be because she sees you as a threat.
Change your privacy settings so only friends and acquaintances can contact you (you can change it down the line).
I do think it's "normal" that a single mom of many kids will want her NEWEST man to be the "daddy" to her kids. And don't forget, SO many people lead this "imaginary" life on Facebook that really has nothing to do with reality. I have seen this a lot, specially with one niece. On Facebook she is "supermom" - post all these "being a mom is so hard work but so rewarding" - ya da ya da... but in reality she had her kids taken away and barely had any contact with them for 3 years because she was more busy smoking pot and being unemployed. If you say her Facebook page you might presume that she was a HAPPY mom with wonderful kids and a loving partner. Reality? Much different. So PLEASE don't make the mistake of thinking that all these "happy family" crap she posts is actually the truth.
As for your friends showing you what's going on with your ex (like that photo) tell them to stop. It's not helping you. While they might not mean harm, it's adding fuel to the fire and to your imagination. It's doing NO ONE any good, except those who likes some juicy gossip and drama.
Having a miscarriage is rough, I know. And it's HARD to see it as a good thing, but in reality, for you... maybe it was. He doesn't sound like such a prize or partner.
You can DO this, you CAN let go.
If you get "anonymous" messages on Facebook REPORT THEM and IGNORE them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. I would just like to point out and I didn't make it clear in my post that I have in fact blocked them both. I did this as soon as they got together. I also changed my number which they don't have. The messages i got were from a fake facebook account but I know for certain it was her because she mentioned things about my body and insecurities that only my ex knew. I havnt been snooping on their pages either. The pic was sent to me by a friend because it had gone up on Her page at the same time as I got the message with the caption "with his daddy". Do I think its normal that she has taken a pic of my ex with her child? In this situation sorry but no I do'nt considering she won't let the real father see them and only split with him 2 weeks before getting with my ex! How do I know this? Because unfortunately I live in a very small town and words gets around quickly. What they do is their business completely but I know for a fact she has an issue with me.
I don't think this is all to do with my miscarriage. It took me a long time to get over and I even had counselling for a while. To say that I'm jealous and sent those messages myself in my view is disgusting. Nobody will know just how low I got to back then and it took all my strength to come back from such a dark place and recover so to say that im not over it and im jealous of Her and stalking her over it is just vile in my opinion. I know everybody's entitled to an opinion but that is just insulting.
Ive done everything in my power to block them from my life and I have managed so far. I feel blesses to meet my current boyfriend and could not be happier. We have planned so many things for our future and i barely think about them at all. Ive got to that stage where I no longer hate my ex and want him to be happy. Why can't she let me be happy and keep out of my life?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2015):
I agree with YouWish
She is living rent-free in your head, because YOU LET her.
BLOCK her FB, BLOCK her phone number/his phone number/ if she has your e-mail - set it up so HER (and anonymous e-mail) go straight to spam/trash - CUT him and her out of your life in any way share and form.
As for them whispering in front of your friends WHO cares? That is what 3rd graders do. All your friends have to do is turn their back and ignore them, not hard at all!
As for her posting picture of him holding HER child, well isn't that kinda normal? He is DATING her and she has a baby? It's YOUR interpretation that SHE is doing this because you had a miscarriage. I seriously doubt that it is. And IF she IS doing it for that reason then WHY on this FINE green Earth are you even LOOKING at her Facebook? WHO the F cares what she posts? It's none of your business, you are however, MAKING it your business by snooping.
YOU are the one giving yourself ALL this pain. By looking at time and listening to whatever BS they toss your way.
Either YOU are a bigger drama-llama than his new GF or you like the emotional pain.
It's not HARD at all to cut her & him out of your life. YOU chose NOT to.
Come on, you are 30! not 15.
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Let me give you a quote that makes sense (to me at least) about your situation:
"Holding onto anger is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die."
— Buddha
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Let it GO! Not for their sake but for yours!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 October 2015):
 The question is - why have you given this woman permission to hurt you?? You're embarrassed you spent so much time with your ex, and you've moved on with a new relationship, right? Not only that, but you say that his life has tanked and yours has improved.
So, why does his new girlfriend get under your skin? Why does she feel threatened by you? I can tell you why:
You may be over this guy, but your ego won't let it go. You mentioned that he "went right to her", and you've taken great pains to know who she is, how many kids she has, are making it a point that he's holding a kid that's NOT hers, and somehow, she has YOUR email address. How did she get YOUR email address??
You're also 30 years old, and you said that they are too. At 30 years old, who the hell has time to get into a group only to "laugh and whisper" in front of your friends? That sounds like a high school thing, not a 30's professional and social world thing!
You could block their Facebook pages, but you haven't. You could block her email addresses, but you haven't. You're keeping this alive, and your ego hasn't let go of the fact that he got over you faster than you think he should have, and you've taken great pains to note how downhill his life has become now that he's with her instead of you.
You're keeping it alive, and you shouldn't. All you have to do is concentrate on what you have now, block those two out of your life very easily now that you don't have to see or think of them on a regular basis, and make new friends with your new relationships. This ex isn't even a co-worker of yours, and there is no reason to have anything to do with either him or his gf socially! Who cares! He could spontaneously explode with this new woman for all you care! You are MAKING it a big deal in your life, when in your 30's, it's never been easier to minimize someone than at THIS time!
I also know that when people turn 30+ and they are not married, social lives get exaggerated. You might be pissed that you spent years with a guy who promised you a family, who promised you a lifetime, and you even had a miscarriage, which I'm sorry about. But at some point, you need to get over the time you wasted on him, or you'll waste even more time playing games with the new GF. Let go of his broken promises. You have a new guy! It's been 7 months. Concentrate on a new and better future. You're pissed because he was supposed to be with YOU and taking care of the kids that both of you had together. It's clear as day. As long as your ego is still bruised and won't let it go, she'll still perceive you as a threat, and she'll be right. Not that you want HIM back, but you want to make him suffer as much as you did when you lost the pregnancy. I'm sorry about that, by the way, but don't let that grief mix with your ego and keep you from moving forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): Youve done very well so far to move on with your life and hopefully you have found the correct man to have children with.It seems clear that your ex was not the correct person for you and how he conducts himself is no business of yours now or will ever be again.
So what if he's cuddling her children.
Its a nice thing to do.
Perhaps the children dote on him.
At least he's not beating them up!
I cant see why it would be personal to you.
It shows he had a good enough heart to genuinely want to be a daddy.
He probably wanted the miscarried baby just as much as you and he probably was equally upset to find out that he was not to be the father of your children.
Quite possibly he still holds a torch for you but sees now that he couldnt be the father to your child so he is quite prepared to love these little ones who are now in his life.
Surely you agree its better to love children than to become embittered.
Dont look down on her children because they are from different fathers.
They are still children, born in complete innocence and they deserve love as much as anyone else.They are little human beings, each one unique in their own way, with their own sets of gifts and talents.
It is between God and the woman how the children were born and you have no rightto sneer at them or prejudge them.Please remember that Mary was herself a single mum but joseph was there to help her out.
Contempt of your fella is fuelling yourjealousy and i was going to jump to the primary conclusionthat his current bird was jealous of you.
But i think not.
Maybe she hasnt even sent you stupid messages.Maybe they are just getting on with their lives.
Why on earth are you snooping on them!
Are you cra,y or jealous enough to send yourself anonymous messages. Your problems are now only about you and your man.
Maybe it should read something like:
I broke up with my man following a miscarriage and we both moved on but i am now hurt because he's hooked up with someone with kids and he gets all the happiness while i still bear the sadness of miscarriage!
Iwould tell you how deep your feelings run for your future children and to be patient because life will provide them when you stop taking contraception and you are ready for the steps you need to take.
Inyour case you need to be married and securely loved, so you are moving slowly towards that goal.
Meanwhile forget the ex and concentrate on yourself and your partner and friends.
Unfriend anyone who could send you messages that are hurtful and only surround yourself with truely close friends on a very high privacy level...that way your news is private and your world is more secure.
Im not really saying that you would send yourself messages to make your associates look bad, but i am saying that your feeling clearly run very deeply and you are probably still mourning the loss of your unborn child.
Concentrate on yourself.
You will have the children you so desire in the future, but not now unless you and your current partner take a very wild plunge.
Maybe you need to be flashing that ring.
Life is not a competition and now is not the time to snoop on your exbaby daddy!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 October 2015):
Most people will tell you to ignore them because that is exactly what you need to do. He’s not your problem anymore, and if you react to her attempts to wind you up this will only encourage her to do it more. She obviously feels threatened by you, regardless of whether there is genuine reason for her to feel so or not. It’s obviously not a happy relationship and there is clearly a lot of insecurity, which she tries to overcome by putting you down. He is obviously not doing very well either. Also you say he is now addicted to weed: are they both addicted to weed? One of the major side effects of weed, especially with particularly potent forms of cannabis, is paranoia, which might explain why you are a threat in her mind. But you should carry on as you are and ignore her spiteful comments, and ignore him, unless you feel your safety is at risk.
I wish you all the very best.
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