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*ate85
writes:Simply put folks, the above is what's going on. I found this out quite by accident and the source of the information is irrefutable. When, I in a roundabout way asked her about any bad habits he might have she straight up lied to me when I asked if he smokes anything other than cigarettes. She and I have a good enough relationship where we discuss just about everything in our individual lives and together with respect to our son. When we were married, we were clean living type folks. Drugs were not part of our lives. She had a prior marriage in which her husband and sometimes she smoked pot. I have no information that she is smoking but this situation bothers me greatly since we have a young son (11 years old) and as this person may one day have access and could thus possibly influence him. Her possible tolerance of this pot smoking I think endangers our son as well as her job (she has a responsible position that would not look kindly on the situation). This guy is not some young person but rather is 46 years old. Does she think she can change someone like that? I am considering confronting her on this because our son's well-being is tantamount in my mind. It's tough enough to raise a boy in our society and to potentially have this kind of influence in his life starts him off with a strike. Mind you, I am very involved with my son but he lives with my ex. Am I wrong here?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Legal.. yes it is... medical use is allowed in America... and it is a felony punishable by a fine rather than being locked up in prison, illegal yes, but it won't bring you the death penalty....
But we are not going to argue about our opinions on drug policy, there is no point.
Of course you can claim custody, that is your choice, that's why I was very careful to say that it may not be in the interests of a child, who I presume loves his mother very much.
But again this is pointless. You have taken the necessary action. You and your ex-wife have talked, you have shown your concern and communicated it. Of course you are worried and probably upset, this is all natural. But it's only actions that matter, and your actions have been proportionate and appropriate. It is hard being the "absent" parent, but showing concern, keeping communication lines, open and sometimes stepping back and just trusting the other parent, will set a very good example to your son of how two adults can behave in less than perfect circumstances. Keeping things in proportion is very important if you wish to gain your ex-wife's trust and have her turn to you when she has real problems that need to be discussed.
I wish you and your family well.
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male
reader, Gate85 +, writes (26 December 2010):
Gate85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
@Miamine, I am well aware of the prevalence of pot in our society. The fact that it is common does not make it right and last I looked, it is not legal anywhere. This is more than simply concern over drug addition, it is about judgement and making proper choices. When an adult person inthe life of a child has a permissive attitude about illegal substances, it calls into that person's ability to properly discriminate the choices that need to be made in life. Contrary to what you may believe, a non-custodial parent certainly can remove a child under appropriate circumstances. That being said, I don't expect it to come to that. I have no desire to control who my ex dates but potential influences in our son's life are my business just as just as it would be hers if the shoe was on another foot. I would expect her to call me on it. We have had our conversation and she knows I know. She didn't admit to it yet but she understands that this person would not be brought around our son. This person seems to just be someone to go out with on occasion. I told her it's not worth the risk but that's her journey.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 December 2010):
Wow!!!! You gonna lock your son in his room next because the neighbour next door might do cocaine?
Yes we want to help and protect our kids, but go too far and you can disable them. If you wrap your son up in cotton wool and hide him away from the real world, as soon as he is free from you, he'll be knocked down, attacked and taken for a fool.
Story.. man wanted to protect his son, so he would never let his child play with the other children. His son never caught any childhood diseases, because he was so protected. When the child turned 30, he caught chickenpox, something he had been protected from in childhood. Now chickenpox is relatively harmless to children, but is life threatening if caught by adults..
This adult has habits you disapprove of, that's their choice and you have your opinions. But if you seek to control the life of your child and your ex wife, you'll be setting yourself and them for a whole pile of trouble.
Just tell your ex-wife your concerned because drugs are involved and ask her to be careful with your son. You cannot ban her from having friends you don't like, and you can't take your son away,because he loves and adores his mother.
Your ex-wife is not stupid, and people who smoke pot know how to be careful around kids. Besides, you have no idea how many people around you and your ex-wife who actually smoke in the privacy of their own home. I think you'd be surprised how common pot smoking is. She could drink too much and loose her job, you could get knocked down by a car... the world is full of could, may, maybe, but you'll let fear dominate if you force your child to live his life this way. Talking to someone who smokes pot, will not turn you into a drug addict.
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reader, courtney24 +, writes (25 December 2010):
 no, you have every right to be concerned! i would definately confront her about the situation.. but of course be nice about it, and just ask that she have a little more concern about the future of your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): hellofirst, i would like to say that i feel for your situation. I don't think your wrong at all to be worried. I'm a 21 year old and as a young person living in today's society, i can tell you that weed is a huge part of young peoples lives and just being around it may influence there views on it. I think you should def confront her about this issue and tell her that you are happy she has meet someone, but very worried that his life choices may effect your son. you can't control who she gets involved in, but you can make sure your son is shielded from their poor life choices. If they do become serious, i would even try to confront this man about making sure there is never weed in the house when your son is around and not being high around him. Also, kids are never too young to start talking about the harm of drugs. I wish my parents would have set some solid foundation on the drug topic and why it's wrong... even weed.
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