A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex broke up back in June after being together for a year and a half. We tried being friends but this proved impossible after I started seeing someone four months later. This lead to something of a bitter parting for us. She and her family said some awful things about me which, considering I was a pretty decent and honest partner, I didn't feel I deserved. She even attempted to blackmail me in a bid to try and split up me and my current partner. She nearly succeeded.Some months later it all went quiet much to my relief. She did text me on Christmas Day just to wish me a merry Christmas. But after everything that happened I felt it best to just ignore her text and block her number. That's exactly what I did. Yesterday though she messaged me (through somebody else's mobile I presume) to tell me that she has been offered a new job after she graduates from university. And now I don't know what to do...Even now I am sympathetic towards my ex. Make no mistake, I am no longer in love with her, but I was her first boyfriend and we had a pretty good relationship. I know what it's like to lose your first partner. It can be agonising. That doesn't excuse trying to break up my new relationship obviously (something she hasn't apologised for), but I think it's a shame that we were unable to remain friends. That said, I don't think it would be right to contact her either. I have to consider my current partner. There's absolutely no way she would be comfortable with me contacting my ex under any circumstances after what she tried to do to us. I have to consider her feelings, because she is now the more important part of my life. But for some reason I hate the idea of my ex thinking I'm being nasty by not contacting her. I'm the sort of person who cares about what people think of me, much as I know I shouldn't, so I don't know what to do for the best.So there you have it; I don't want to hurt my ex's feeling any further, but I don't want to hurt my partner either. What should I do?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (2 June 2014):
 Thanks for the update. It does worry me some that you feel it is safer to reply than to ignore. You are right to continue to block whatever avenue she uses to contact you. It won't stop her from finding new pats but it sends the only message she needs, "the answer is still no".
I'm much more worried about her after a full year she thinks that one more meet and drink will make her feel better. She sees a casual friendship as important when it will not be healthy for either of you. She really hasn't admitted to herself that there is no hope here.
This will all end when she accepts someone else into her life. There is nothing you can or should do to move that along.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): You've basically got three options1) Do nothing and ignore the message 2) Respond to her Mum's message and say "Thanks, but no thanks"3) Agree to meet her and see what she has to sayOption 1 is probably your best bet and would probably cause the least upset all round (and the least backlash.) Hopefully they'll just think you've changed your phone number or something.Option 2 might make you feel a bit better about yourself but you'll have to make sure you were both polite and clear about not wishing to meet up"Dear So-and-so. Thank you for your message. Unfortunately, I do not feel that meeting up with X would be appropriate or helpful for either of us. I bear her no ill-will or malice but I feel there is nothing further to be discussed and I do not wish to actively pursue a friendship with her. I'm sorry."No need to go into further explanations but don't get sucked in to responding to more and more communications from Mum. You'd have to be totally clear that you won't be continuing contact. You could get some worse "backlash" as even the most polite of rejections can be considered as rude, uncaring and inconsiderate.Option 3 - bad idea. It's clear that she hasn't moved on yet and still has hope in her heart (although she might deny this). If she really has something to get off her chest, she can write to you but I think she's just after answers - which you don't have for her (at least not the ones she wants to hear.)If you do decide to take this option (and I truly suggest you don't because any backlash much worse as she can not only accuse you of being rude and insensitive, she can say that you've strung her along or made her feel worse)... whatever you do - DON'T take her out for a drink - make it a daytime coffee.Lets us know how it pans out OP and good luck.Don't worry too much about what other people think about you. You and your family and friends will know the truth and they're the ones that matter.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 June 2014):
 Yikes what a passive-aggressive cow your ex's mother is, no wonder where the EX learned her behavior.
I would NOT dignify her message with an answer, I would BLOCK her and her whole family ASAP.
BLOCK BLOCK and IGNORE.
And tell the GF so she knows, because I wouldn't put it past your EX OR her mom to try and contact your GF and stir some shit.
Whether you BLOCK them or reply in a nice way, IF they WANT to stir up shit, they will - THAT is on THEM. YOU should not let them try and control you.
Blocking them is not only reasonable, it's SMART.
The message WAS intended to make YOU feel bad, and you know what? - it worked. SO, stop worrying about them. FOCUS on you, your GF and your life - say F em! to the ex and her nutso family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMore news, if you can believe it...
My ex's mum has contacted me. She says that my ex would like the opportunity to meet up with me, go for one last drink and say goodbye. She also suggest we go back to a casual friendship. It may sound like a harmless request, but I believe that the message was designed to make me feel bad. She talked about how my ex regrets the way that she lashed out (notice how this is not an apology) and how our relationship got to a place where "I felt I had to lie to her."
I am absolutely not interested in a friendship with her after everything that's happened. I am interested only in my current relationship and getting on with my life. I don't plan to respond to the message and my intention is to block her entire family. The reason for my hesitation however is that I'm worried that I might face another backlash. My ex and her family have tried to interfere before and I really don't want anything more to jeopardise my relationship with my partner. Given that we broke up almost a year ago, this is not something that I would say is beyond them.
The thought of this issue causing me further problems is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress. What do you think I should do?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2014):
C'mon man, what she did was inexcusable, you have no obligation to contact her ever again, just for the sale of self preservation alone. You don't need people who have tried to hurt you anywhere near you.
If you absolutely must respond just say, "Congrats, but after what happened I can't talk to you anymore and will be blocking this number."
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 February 2014):
Yeah, keep ignoring her. Pity is never a good reason to attempt to remain friends. Don't worry, it is really the kindest thing to do and doesn't make you any less of a nice guy.Do you really want tension with your new girl, over your ex, AGAIN?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): your ex is out of the way now, you need to focus on your current partner. you never know where talking to your ex will lead to. she said horrible things about you, your partner is still with you. i don't think you should get in touch with your ex. it'll only bring trouble to your life, and it's better to live in peace, not a whole life of drama. good luck x!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 February 2014):
June - Breakup
October - new girlfriend
October or November - bid to break you up including Blackmail
December - Christmas greeting
December or January - you block her number
February - she contacts you on a new number
What makes you think this is going to stop? It is picking up, not slowing down. We get posts here every week asking how do I get my ex back? Describing how unfair it is that their ex is now with a girl who is not a pretty or in some way not as worthy as they were. They want to know how they can change a person who is no longer a part of their life. Here is what will happen if you send your ex a text message with one letter in it.
Hope will spring up in her heart. She will start collecting a list of evidences that you are thinking about her. She will hatch a new scheme to get you back. A new blackmail will start within a month.
ex's don't make good friends.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 You know what you should do : keep ignoring your ex - it's just that for some reason you don't want to do it. And you are hoping that somebody can help you come up with some excuse why it would instead be a good idea contacting her.
I am sure this is possible , there are so many heads and so many opinions , personally mine ( and, I suspect , basically yours too ) is that it would be a blatantly bad idea. Why ?
- Exes are exes, they are not supposed automatically to stay friends or even be friendly, Of course they can try if they wish, it's not against the law- but if for any reason it does not work, there's no moral or social obligation to try harder.
- your current gf would not be comfortable with you resuming your friendship with the ex and that with good reason, i.e. not just out of sheer paranoia or insecurity, but because the ex tried to break you up. She logically expects you to be loyal to her and your current committment , and not go sniff around people who actively worked against both ( her and your committment )
- I can get up to a point caring what people think about you, but that you care if your ex thinks you are rude or mean ( but why should she , she'll probably think just that you are not interested in talking to her ) after all the drama she has caused, the badmouthing and sabotaging etc. !, then you are the King of People Pleasers and you need to change that if you don't want to be a sitting duck for any telemarketer or street peddler , or , worse, crook and swindler for the rest of your life.
But somehow ,pardon me but I don't quite buy it that you are SO sensitive and tender hearted to harbour this kind of doubt, it's a little bit too much. I think that regardless of all your protests, you still have lingering feelings for her, and / or you are not so definitely over her as you say or think.
If you were,that would be such a no brainer !- you would know and FEEL that are not obliged to accept friendship from and keep communication open with, people who showed them undeserving of this privilege.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2014):
Auntie BimBim is right.
You EX isn't texting/contacting you because she CARES about you and YOUR life - she reaches out because she WANTS to. She wants to remind you that she is still there. The text was about HER. You ex isn't GOING to apologize for the drama she created, she somehow feels entitled to do as she pleases when it comes to you.
By ignoring it and blocking the new number, you are NOT hurting her feelings. She will perhaps not LIKE it, but that is really not your concern. She CHOOSE to not try and be friends. HER choice.
Also tell your GF that she texted you, I'd honestly show her the text.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 Your ex is your ex for a reason. Now consider this, she knew you had blocked her which would be a very strong indication that you did not want to hear from her and yet she went ahead and did it anyway.
Not the correct thing to do. Why would a person who had been blocked borrow somebody else's phone to get around that blocking? I sense ulterior motives and mischief making. Once you respond to her you are hooked back in.
You owe her nothing, being nice is not going to change the things she and her family said about you, and I strongly suggest you tell your girlfriend about the message because if you don't and she gets to hear your ex is contacting and communicating (even if it is failed communication) your girlfriend could very rightly feel you are keeping things from her.
Don't respond and block the new number and get on with your life
.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (21 February 2014):
 Do not contact your ex.
It will hurt your girlfriend when she finds out.
It will hurt your ex, because she might think she has a chance with you or that you do want to be friends and try and stay in contact.
It will hurt you when you have to deal with two upset women.
It's not worth the hassle. She WAS a big part of your life. She's not anymore. I know it is hard, but do not reply. You tried being civil at the beginning and that didn't work, now the only way to deal with her is to ignore her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): The 'right' thing for you to do, is look after your current partner. She is your priority. You should show her the message from your ex, and ask her what you should do. If you agree with her, do that. If you don't, maybe come to some agreement she IS comfortable with. You may be able to txt your ex and say you wish her all the best, but for the sake of your current relationship, it is best you don't keep in contact. There is no need to be friends with exes, in my opinion. Whatever you do, tell your current gf. Don't keep it a secret, otherwise she may wonder if you hide other things from her.
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A
female
reader, shmily_girl01  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 To wish your ex good wishes in her new journey and moving on with her life is not bad. Your are just trying to be civil and kind. But to continue conversations or answer emails or whatsoever that would lead to constant communication again will not be very healthy for both of you.
So, wishing her best and a good luck in her new journey may do. A short message of well wishes.
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