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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have recently had a baby and split up. He has been seeing the baby but has not been interested in her really, only interested in arguing with me. He has been emotionally blackmailing me so that he still has control over me. He calls to see the baby when he wants. It has turned nasty with him constantly ringing me, so I have withdrawn access for fear of him, and after his family threatening me.He is now going to court for and access order to see our child but I don't want him to treat her the way he has me. I think he will be granted access. What can I do?
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female
reader, JusticeServed +, writes (2 October 2005):
You are in a position like me right now!!! I don't know the extent on my ex's emotions toward me, but he was the one who filed court papers in battle for custody with our new infant son. And I quickly hired a lawyer, and out of no where my Ex shows up at his office, to 'talk' over these issues about him having custody. But my lawyer asked him " What do you have against your ex?" he said he had his reasons. Finally mediation 2 weeks later. The mediator asked him the same thing. Finally he answered "I have nothing against my Ex." And it's true, he was a controlling individual in the relationship, almost to a point to abusive, but more mentally. When our baby was born he showed no interest, in helping me at home, but to go to work for long hours, and play golf while I have to wait at home & take care of the kids. I wasn't driving at the time either. And he didn't help me out on transportation as much. Anyway to get to the point, I feel for you, and I don't know what to say except to be strong and be good to your baby!!! No matter what, your instincts will lead you to what should be right. Never mind your spitefullness and revenge against your ex, even if there isn't any, do care for your baby, and if you strongly believe the best interest for the child is with you 90% of the time, that's fine. There's nothing slefish about being a mother. He might be just using the child to get away from child support, but I hate assuming, in my case, it was easy to recognize my Ex's flaws even b4 he filed papers. I hope you turn out ok and the baby, god bless you & I wish you all the love & hope in the world.
By the way mediation proposed my ex 'SUPERVISED' visitation every other weekend until our child reached the age of 3, after my EX completes parenting, anger management therapy, and a 2nd AA class!!! So much for him filing court papers against me! He even wanted to drop it soon after he filed so we can work things out, he was just game, and I dont play games , so I went forward with it. His stupity should be teaching him lessons.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2005): Hire a lawyer quickly and prepare to hunker down and fight this out, dear-because if he's going the courts then you will have to adhere to the terms of any court orders he attains for access, or you risk landing on the wrong side of the law. Get some legal advise and find out what rights you and this child have. I am not making light of your pain and sorrow with this man but you have to be realistic here, hun. All the toxic diatribe you and ex say to each other..will have NO bearing on a judge's decision when it comes to the well-being of the child. He'll consider your bickering as just heresay. (he said-she said) The court system is clogged up as it is and judges are just WAY too busy to listen to parents duke out there own personal issues in a "child access" cases.
Your lawyer will tell you in order to fight, in the courts, you will need facts to win your case. So..get proactive, protect the baby and begin building a iron-clad case against him. It will take time, patience, a lot of work and some sleuthing on your own. Start keeping a very detailed journal of everything that transpires between you, him and his family. Dates, times, phone calls but get the undeniable proof. Any sworn and/or signed documentation from caregivers, doctors, nurses, people who are involved in this child's life will help your case. You will have to prove that you're a good mother and that there's something wrong with his parenting skills. It's that cut and dried in the courts. Remember, the judge will priorize the child's welfare-not you welfare ot your ex's welfare. The judge has to make clear distinctions about your child's safety and upbringing. He won't care if your ex is emotionally blackmailing you. He won't care if your ex was verbally abusive to you..he won't care if your ex is immature and an ass...all that baggage is personal history between just you and the ex. But, if the ex abused the child-then that's a different matter. But you better have solid PROOF! The proof is sooo crucial because nowadays, there are lot's of false allegations out there against good, loving Dad's-that are unfair and the courts are recognizing how some disgruntled women are using this to lash out at the man as a personal vendetta.
The child's quality of life as it is right now, will be the judges one and only TOP priority. Hire a lawyer and find out what you can do to protect you and this baby. But remember you will have to be strong and persevere. The courts recognize your ex as the child's legal, biological father and he is by law, allowed access to her. If he's still a good Dad-and the child is being treated well-then I'm afraid you will have to hand her over to him for his visitation. See what your lawyer advises. Hang in there and stay strong.
Best wishes, Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (18 August 2005):
Arrange to have a third party deliver and pick up the baby when he visits, so he has no contact with you. With court ordered visitation, the judge will set the days and times for the visits, and you simply have to comply with the court's order, whether either or you likes it, or not. Maybe when you both grow up a little, you will be more concerned about the baby's welfare and its need to have two parents to help it through life, than you are now. Be pleased that your bf is interested in his baby. That fact alone assures you that he will likely pay his child support on time, and pick up other expenses as he can. A child with two parents actively working to raise it has a much better chance at being normal than one that has to immature parents who spend their time fighting with each other. Befoe you judge him, and his family, put the shoe on the other foot? How would you react if he had custody of the child and was playing games with your visitation rights? I suspect that you, and your family might say some ugly things to him, too, NO? Because of your behavior, he is having to spend hard to come by money to hire a lawyer to take you to court so he can secure his visitation. Don't you think you would be mad in the same position? All this could have been avoided if you simply arranged for some friend to deliver the baby so that he could no longer use visitation times to bother you. As for different ideas about how you should act, those are issues that the two of you should have worked out before you became pregnant, and before you decided to carry the child to term. Stop putting your personal needs and feelings ahead of your child's. It needs a father as much as it need you. Count your blessings that you have a father who want to be involved in raising his child!
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