A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is another question to the previous one I asked, my ex says he wants to keep in touch but doesn't...! Further update and new problem! He has made much more of an effort to be in touch, we were getting along fine as friends, this last week we have texted as friends every day.He has a told me he has not slept with anyone since me nor snogged anyone (but had a 'peck' with a 'friend)All good. He says in a text 3 days ago there's been no-one since me, he told me he wanted to be single and that's what he's done...We agree to become facebook friends again,(I deleted him a month or so after we split up)that's fine. I look at his wall and see on 23rd sept, that he is 'no longer in a relationship' wtf? Also some notes from a girl who he obviously WAS IN a relationship with.I am fuming as he blatantly lied to me about being in a relationship with someone and I don't understand why? (I would have been happy for him btw)Am I over-reacting to this or would you feel hurt and betrayed and confused too? He's text me today and I haven't replied-I am not the type of person to ignore someone though, nor am I the type of person who can not say anything to him about it (I will go mad if I try and pretend I don't know!) PLEASE HELP!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ annonymous, thankyou for your comments. Having slept on it maybe I was over-reacting abit. It was only the lying about it that actually bothered me (and then maybe I wondered about what else he may have lied about!)
@ Youwish, thankyou for your comments. I think you missed the bit I wrote on my post that said 'I would have been happy for him btw...' That is exactly what I did want him to do, talk to me about it as a friend, and I would have encouraged him and been genuinely pleased for him! Your personal attacks towards me are totally unjustified imo. I never 'dropped' him either. As to CaringGuy, I certainly didn't re-buff him, no hurl abuse as you implied! I merely stated I felt he was a little harsh, he responded, and I responded back to him. It certainly was not my intention to attack him in anyway whatsoever. I know he gives good advice on the whole.
The issue was WHY the ex felt he had to lie, not that he had been seeing anybody.(As we are friends now, and I wouldn't lie to any of my friends) That was my only issue, I don't want us to be together and I am definitely over him in a romantic sense. But we were friends before and I thought we were now and he wouldn't have had any qualms about telling me he was seeing anybody, that's all. I certainly don't follow behind him, stalk him, ring him a billion times a day or anything like that, far from it actually!! As for looking at facebook, yeah I took a peek, like I do whenever I add anyone! I don't expect him to show any remorse or be moping about or anything like that! I just wondered why he felt he had to lie about it!!
I feel like you're shouting at me like a naughty 5 year old! Now where's the naughty step...! ;-)
@wordlywise, thankyou for your comments. I looked at his facebook because it was a new friend on fb. (I always take a peek when someone new adds me, male or female!) I know he has moved on from us, romantically, we both have, but yeah maybe he felt a little awkward telling me and maybe he thought I would see it on facebook anyway. I felt we were both at the point of being just friends, especially recently. That is why his lie hurt. I would have been more than happy for him, had he felt he could tell me. Like I would for any friend, and I would have been annoyed at any friend if they had told the same sort of lie. My issue was and is with lies and liars, not about him having been in a new relationship.
Anyway, thank you for all you comments, it has given me something to ponder over. :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): He probably told you he had been 'chaste' because he didn't feel like sharing his conquests with a very recent Ex girlfriend.You dont have a right to be fuming really,maybe a bit miffed.
Its possible he let you re-friend him on Facebook so you WOULD find out about his woman/women,find out he has moved on.
But lets face it he is an Ex, and you refuse to let him go, your hanging on to the thread of friendship, which is only bringing you angst and disappointment.He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing. There are no children involved.He is not behaving like a good friend and nor are you - I doubt you scrutinise your female friends FB history.
For your own sake and sanity let this go, un-friend him, delete his number,block his email and go find a new man who WANTS to be with you. x
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 I feel like I'm jumping into a meat grinder by answering this question, but I might remember your last question.
I'm going to use logic on you right now.
1. If this wasn't your ex-boyfriend, and it was one of your platonic female friends, would you rake her across the coals about whether or not she was sleeping with someone?
Not at all! You'd want to know all the details, and you'd either rejoice, or you'd warn her if she were dating a known player or a creep. What you wouldn't do is get personally upset over whether or not she had a love life and what she did or didn't tell you about it.
Bottom line, you say you want a friendship with your ex, but you are not treating him like any person would a platonic friend. If you really wanted one with him, you'd be happy if he saw someone else. You'd encourage him, you'd love it when he told you the details, and you'd have fun listening to him talk about them.
It says something that this isn't your reaction, so let's be honest about what you're doing.
He's your ex. You are no longer qualified to bathe him in anger and outrage at who he dates, why he's dating, what he tells you, and why he shouldn't see someone.
Let's defuse your "He's lying" outrage, because I see through it. No, I don't condone lying, and in this case, I'm thinking he's lying in order to not tell you to mind your own business to be honest. You can't drop a boyfriend, only to hover around him, pretend you're his friend, and keep any other girl from touching him.
Sounds like you want him to be alone. Would a friend treat another friend in this manner? Nope. They'd be happy a good friend has found love.
That is not a friendship. No friend would even begin to treat another friend like you're treating this guy.
I won't even go into why it's a bad idea to keep friends of exes, because you've got your hackles up in defense mode. As long as you're defensive and striking out at us, you'll never be able to break out of this misery.
Let this guy go to find someone else. If you can't, then you can't be friends with him. A friend wouldn't be hurt and betrayed and confused. If you feel those things, it's because you're not over him. Be honest with yourself.
When he broke up with you, he made no contract to follow through on anything he said to you. If he told you "I want to be single", and then a week later he reconnects with an old flame and spends the night with her, then the next week he met someone at a bar and went home with her, he didn't break some goofy contract and lie and betray you.
All he did was break up. All bets are off. If he tells you he wants to stay single and then three days later, he sleeps with 20 women, that's his right! Breaking up means all bets are OFF, not that you follow behind him, stare at his facebook, and fly off the handle that he's not showing the proper remorse and pain over your breakup.
Sorry, but if you're going to rebuff CaringGuy, who is one of the best answerers on this site, I might as well lay all my cards on the table and take the abuse. Heh.
Hopefully when you stop winding yourself up mad, you'll maybe start thinking that being his friend and keeping tabs on him will prevent YOU from moving on as well. This is no way to get over him or to heal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to keep in touch with him. Do you hope to eventually get back together with him and so on. If this is not the case I don't understand why you are so interested in his personal life. I understand being upset about him lying, but not to the degree you're upset about it unless he has a history of lying to you while in your relationship and then this is just going to bring up those feelings again and he probably won't change. If you haven't had a break with no contact that might be a good idea. Give yourself time to detach from whatever you're feeling about all of this, and then decide if you want him in your life at all anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ CaringGuy, (I didn't vote your comment down or anything as it is an 'opinion' site and we all have different opinions)! lol!!Maybe my trouble is I expect everyone to be as straight as me (in regard to exes)He is not what you say a 'typical player' and I am still very shocked at uncovering what I have!Maybe he is more of a 'silent assassin....' I am normally a really good judge of character, so I already feel shit enough!!!!
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2011):
I didn't mean to be harsh - but you are going to wind up going mad with this man. He isn't interested in being friends, and it doesn't seem like he wants to be honest. You are wasting time. Many others have done it. I have a friend who did it once with an ex 3 years ago, then again with another ex last year. And all the time, it's her who was hurt. And it'll be the same for you. If he was a decent friend, he'd never have treated this way before, and he wouldn't be lying now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you reply, aunt honesty.I guess I need to figure out what, and how to say that, to him without causing more aggro!I really don't want to fall out over it, just let him know there was absolutely no need to lie to me about what/who he's seeing :-)I don't know why he feels he can't just treat me like a 'friend' now?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I am no bunny boiler thankyou!!
I thought we had moved to being friends, which I was more than happy with. (As I said, I would have been happy for him being in a relationship)
I agree he doesn't HAVE to tell me anything, but since I am an honest person, and I thought we were both having an honest ex, now happy to be friends conversation, I assumed he would be the same as there was/is no reason not to be?
But thankyou for the comment (a bit harsh though I felt!)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 Well then don't try and pretend. Just be honest with him, tell him what you saw on facebook and tell him that he has hurt you by lying to you. He may have felt awkward telling you he was with someone because you are an ex, but off course nobody likes being lied to, so talk to him and tell him that it has hurt you.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2011):
Like I said in your last post - this guy was treating you badly in the first place and all it's done is continue. Trouble is, you now have no real right to be angry at him. You're an ex girlfriend and he doesn't have you tell you anything he doesn't want to.
You're wasting valuable life on someone who doesn't give a damn about you, so cut him out and move on before you wind up obsessing and looking like a Bunny Boiler. You have no right to be mad at him, because he doesn't have to tell you anything. And I really think that to remain friends with this man is only going to cause you far more pain.
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