A
male
age
51-59,
*elboy2
writes:My ex split with me 4 weeks ago after 4 years together. The sex has been phenomenal and mutual and we have always got on very well. We didnt live together but saw each other every weekend because we had jobs in different areas. She got a new job 2 months ago and was commuting back to her flat every day but 2 weeks ago got a place to stay temporarily nearer to where she works so that she wouldnt need to travel but means that she is now 100 miles from me. she asked me to meet her for a meal and told me that she couldnt dedicate the time to our relationship anymore as her weekends would have to be planned so much and she loves her new job and has been with someone since she was 18 and now needs time and space. I cried alot at the meal table and in the bar after when I was asking her to give me a chance. She said we would probably end up killing each other if we lived together - something I am amazed by as we have never had a massive argument and did the household chores when I was with her and she said the novelty of that would wear off in time. She insisted we then go around the bars together and ended up in bed together where she pounced on me and we had sex. In the morning she cried her eyes out (maybe a female defence strategy)and asked her to meet me for my birthday which she said she wouldn't. For the first 2 days after we split I texted her with the usual things and said how rare we both are and lucky and good-looking etc etc. She said there was nobody else just 'selfish her needing selfish time' and told me to give her time to think etc so I did not contact her for the next 2 and a half weeks. Then on my birthday I received a package with a present in it - it was a sweat-shirt and a card. this made me feel worse to a point but the card messgae had a x in it but no usual 'love you' message obviously. I texted her to thank her and to say that she have done that....she said you're welcome, have a lovely day x (worse birthday of my life). Anyway I texted her last Thursday nearly 3 weeks after the split to ask her if we could have a chat sometime as I would really like us to be friends...she said of course, I will call you tomorrow. The following evening came and she texted me at 11pm and I said I was out partying as I really didnt want her to think I had waited in all evening for her call. She said she would call me the next day which she didnt. We had a credit card which was in her name and we took that out in may 2005, so I made regular payments every month so I texted her on monday to say that I had made my payment and she thanked me.I wanted her to know that I would not let her down on that front. She offered me to move in with her (despite her saying that we would kill each other) 8 months as she needed a lodger and only had 1 bedroom and said she wanted £400 per month rent towards bills etc. I said that with the additional petrol to get to work it would cause me difficulties but I said I would continue with my Ebay DVD business in order to raise enough so that I could move in permanently. When she was offered this new better paid job I encouraged her to take it cos she would be happier in the job but said I was worried that it would affect us due to the distance but she said that we would move to a city so that we could both get good jobs in 8 months time. Anyway, she loved her job from Day 1. Our sex life has always been great as I thought that would be the first sign of problems but she said that it was great as it was and often instigated it. She also sent me 'love you loads' xxx texts right up until 2 weeks before the split. She also accepted my invitation to link up on Facebook as being in a relationship on the 2nd Nov - we split on the 16th!!!She also asked me to dedicate things to her in the run-up to the split (6 weeks before). She gave me a warning 14 months ago that she didnt want us to end up as her and her ex had done and during the last year I have shown her more affection and been more openly affectionate. At that warning speech I told her whatever happened I would continue to pay the credit card and with hindsight I think it reminded her about it and she may have put off finishing with me then purely for that reason. She has always put her friends first and I appreciated and liked the fact that she had girls nights but I basically stopped going out with my friedns and spent all my time trying to build my Ebay business up which I set-up with her in mind as I could do that from anywhere in the UK. She was also affectionate during the last 4 weeks too and held my hand and kissed me in public etc. Its really hard for me to think that she prostituted herself purely for the credit card but it seems that way. She said she would swallow it up in her morthgage but I told her not to. I suspect that is what she has done by now as she is on a higher wage etc and although the balance is about £3000 it would only be about £10 per month as part of her mortgage.So, what are my options now? she said that she needed space and time for herself but she has always had time and space as we only saw each other at weekends. A nasty thing she said during the meal was that 'without texts, we have finished ages ago'...how cruel.Sorry for the length of this question but it is complicated with sooo many mixed messages etc.Thanks to you all for any replies I get, much appreciated
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, delboy2 +, writes (15 December 2007):
delboy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFantastic, really grateful for you replies, thanks very much. You are right Missmel she is 32 and I am 35. This week, because we work in the same industry I have heard a rumour that she is having an affair with her boss....they went away together when we were still together and I wasnt bothered cos I totally trust her and know she wouldnt have cheated on me (at least not physically).
This week I texted her and said 'are you ears burning?'..she unusually responded instantly to that and asked what I was talking about? as she said she was in a gossip bubble...I said ' sorry for the delay, my signal is bad darling babe honey..stay in your bubble'
We continued the text conversation and later I said 'I was being ironic when I said darling, babe honey cos thats what you said to me via text only 2 weeks before we split, the irony of that isnt wasted on me'....she didnt respond so I said 'and the reference to the signal failure was sarcasm (she claimed she had a bad signal when she moved to her new job - I later found out she held a party 1 week before we split) and that I get delivery reports on my texts and knew when you received my texts and I said I hope you enjoyed the party!...no response from her. I know this is probably not best advised thing to do but I am annoyed that she may have thought she was pulling the wool over my eyes etc and wanted to vent that I know more than she thinks. After a 4 week break lots of things are fitting into place and you are right that I have also worked out that she was devoid of expressing opinions as I always did. I did pick her up on it 2 years ago and asked her if she had a passion for anything?. Anyway since she started the new job, I have criticised her new boss on several occasions which may add credence to the rumour...he is 42ish and very ordinary but he flattered her into taking the job with phrases like ' I have been admiring you from afar for some time' (as we see people from within our industry on a regular basis. He gave her a good pay rise etc and then took her to Spain for a week so I can understand the flattery and self-esteem she now has. I also understand that she is financially more independent adding to my theory that thats all she wanted in order to leave me and why i think she prostituted herself...I didnt think it was possible for women to do that without an emotional/relationship link but sex was good right up until the very end and even on the night of the break-up - am I being naiive on that front? I do know that she was a geisha in Australia when she 18 and got her rent paid for a whole year and while she claimed no sex took place...mmmm...I think this is turning into a best-selling novel!!!
I also reassured her the other day that I would continue with the credit card payments as I promised and she said she trusted me and it was fine (the reality is I dont think she cares whether I do or not as it is sorted within her mortgage).Should I continue to be confrontational as she obviously doesnt like it as I probably have nothing to lose as I won't get her back (?) and therefore wnat her to know that I have now seen through it all?
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 I get the impression that shes younger than you...am I right?
She sounds like a woman in her late 20's trying to work out what she really wants. You on the other hand are probably that little bit older than her and ready to make a full commitment to a woman.
The things you wrote about her not showing any signs of wanting to break up until the night she did the deed is not unusual. Women, especially those that avoid confrontation, will internalise their feelings right to the very end. On the outside she the same as usual, but on the inside her mind is constantly thinking things over and over...evaluating, determining, questioning. A hive of processing activity.
So by the time she says no more, thats it...shes so far down the path shes genuinely come to terms with the whole thing. You on the other hand feel like you've been hit by a truck.
Also be aware, that the reasons she gives you for breaking up may very well not be the real reasons, but an edited version to avoid any confrontation. So if you spend your time analysing whats she said or the way shes acted, your going to do ya head in mate!
Some women are like this I am afraid, especially women who have not yet worked out exactly who they are or what they want. I've been one myself, so I'm talking from an insiders perspective.
I think for your own well being you have to start taking the steps to heal yourself and accept what has happened. Firstly, try to cut contact with her, start going out again...even if its just with mates. The more you text her, ask her to call you etc...the more desperate you are looking. By what you have described, shes not showing any real interest in getting back with you, shes just trying to be nice to you.
Don't try and read to much into what she is saying or actions she is making...it will do your head in. Accept what she has said as face value. Move on mate, you do deserve better, find a girl who has worked who she is and what she wants.
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