A
male
age
36-40,
*ey
writes:Okay, here's the situation...My Ex-Girlfriend I broke up with in November was my first love and real relationship, I broke up with for treating me horribly and because I suspected she had Hypomania calls me everyday. She gets drunk then calls me and says stuff like "I love you" and "Are we still getting married" something we said we'd do when we were dating. This weekend she even asked me to buy her some underwear from Victoria's secret and that she would "Make it worth my while", whatever that means? Anyway lately she's been saying "I Love You" more and more. A few minutes ago to be exact. Anyway, today in random conversation I said "Who sleeps with someone they just met in one day?" and she says "me" I asked "When and she said "Recently. May." As in this month May! When she said this I was completely taken aback because She's repeatedly told me over and over that she'd never do something like that and even condemns a friend of hers who does something similar. She said it was some guy at her school with a tattoo on his arm and that she didn't want to tell me about it. Now I can't help but wonder if she is up there banging out random dudes. Is she really doing that or is she just trying to make me jealous or something? And why do I feel sad about it? I thought about it all day during my job interview. Does anyone have any advice/answers for me? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 I used to say I would never have a one night stand, and take offence by others actions in these ways. That was of course until I had a one night stand.
Sounds stupid, but we can all do different things at different points in life. Your problem is that you two have not made a clean break, and are hearing about what she is doing. Perhaps she is telling you to make you feel jealous, and it sounds like you both have 'issues' with the relationship and are hurt in one way or another. Perhaps you didn't want it to end and you still have strong feelings for her.
I agree if it's over it's over, and don't interfer, it's not worth the heartache on either side. Just have a clear break and move on.
I can understand you being sentimental about things, and I am sure she will always be in a special place in your heart.
Fiona.
A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (28 May 2008):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't know, Sue, maybe I'm just being extraordinarily sentimental because of the extremely strong feelings I had for her for so long? I'm an extraordinarily loyal and dedicated person to the people I care about and I think that I will always love her. she was and I suppose continues to be an important part of my life. Nevertheless, I sort of feel that there are aspects of her personality that wouldn't work relationship wise in the long run. Because although we vibe on a great many subjects, morally I'm very liberal and tolerant of everyone and because of her upbringing (Her brother is a famous actor/comdedian so they're very rich) She hasn't been endowed with the same I guess the word would be "Values" as myself. Not that my values are so great, it's just that she's kind of a self centered snob and I'm the complete opposite. So, while, yes, I do love her and care about her deeply. I believe this will always be a chasm between us.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Rey,
It's still possible that I've got this badly wrong, but the more I read of what you are saying about her and about yourself, the more I'm convinced that whether you realise it or not you are very much in love with her - and it seems to me that it might well be one of those very rare loves that will somehow find its way past all the behavioural difficulties or any other obstacles that might be thrown in its way.
As I said, it's not going to be easy for you, and the "sensible" course of action would undoubtedly be for you to walk away.
But you're not going to walk away, are you?
Good luck. And I really do mean that. If you can make it work; if you can help her resolve her problems, then I think you may have something very special indeed. Please let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (27 May 2008):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your advice Susan. It really means a lot to me. Just that Sometimes it's difficult for me to revert fully to being "Just Friends" with her. She was my first everything. I think about her Everyday. Possibly because she calls me everyday. Which might be weird considering once before when we broke she said she usually cuts off all communication with ex-boyfriends. Nevertheless she calls me regularly.
Every now and then I wonder if maybe I should not talk to her so much, but it's difficult to cut someone out of your life who meant/means so much to you.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (20 May 2008):
Hi Rey. Yes, I take your point, and I found your earlier post. You have the opportunity to actually see her behaviour, so I guess you could well be right. If I understand hypomania correctly (and human behaviour and behaviour disorders are my speciality, although I'm no doctor either), it's as likely to revert to normal behaviour as it is to turn into something worse, particularly if she has supportive friends. That may be good news, and with a friend like you I should say she has every chance of recovery.
I guess it's going to be hard work for you, and more than a little stressful. Also, I guess that you aren't going to give up on her. You should really give up, for your own sake. Somehow I don't think you will. I may be wrong, but everything you've said suggests you care for her very deeply and that sort of friendship, whether or not it's real love, does tend to last.
Good luck. And if it becomes too much, you do have the option of walking right away. You must look after yourself first and foremost. I hope she is worth the effort. I have a feeling that for you she just might be worth every bit of it. Let us know if you want any thoughts or advice. Or send me a private message on here if there's something you prefer not to be public.
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A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (20 May 2008):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Susan, I had already posted my reasons for breaking up with her in an earlier post and didn't want to go through the rundown again, but I'll tell you all the hypomanic symptoms I've observed from our 9 months of dating# pressured speech; rapid talking# inflated self-esteem or grandiosity;# decreased need for sleep;# flight of ideas or the subjective experience that thoughts are racing;# easy distractibility and attention-deficit (superficially similar to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder);# increase in psychomotor agitation; and# steep involvement in pleasurable activities that may have a high potential for negative psycho-social or physical consequences# They are often very jolly to be with but can quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want. #They may talk to strangers easily, offer solutions to problems, and find pleasure in small activities.She does all of the above. Usually people just write people like that off as assholes, but a few actually look up the problem and experience "The Light bulb Effect" where there behavior begins to make sense. She's an excessive personality. While we were together she didn't have access to weed so she would drink all the time. Now that she's away she has access to both easily. Well, as I said in an earlier post a while back I wrote her a kind letter and mailed some info on hypomania to her she totally blew up and hit all the beats of denial then said she didn't give a fuck what I thought and I was the one with the problem. Two weeks later she calls me up and chats like nothing ever happened. Now here we are months later and she's calling all the time while inebriated saying how much she loves me. Sounds hypomanic to me, I'm not a doctor so I asked her to get checked out, but she denies a problem and as someone else said to me you can't force people to get help. So here I am just trying to be her friend the best way I can.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (20 May 2008):
You don't say in what way she "treated you so badly" and made you break up with her back in November.
From your description of her, she sounds fairly scatty (that may be a UK-English-only word!) but not necessarily hypomanic. Hypomania usually includes periods of depression (although not necessarily) but one of the primary symptoms is a deep regret for poor judgement or impulsive or out-of-character behaviour after the particular hypomanic episode - which again you don't mention.
What particularly makes me think it is not hypomania (based purely on what you have told us) is that one of the early symptoms of hypomania is excessive sexual activity. That isn't the way you describe her at all. It seems that when you broke up with her she was quite the opposite, and expressing distaste for that sort of behaviour - and if more recently she "slept with someone she had just met" and that was a symptom, then you would expect her to be expressing deep regret rather than later denial of it.
Anyway we're trying to help you, not diagnose her. You sound as though you still feel very deeply for her. My guess would be that you would much prefer to help her over her problems and to be with her rather than to lose her completely. If that's so, then I think you need to look more closely at why she behaves as she does. You mention alcohol and drugs. That is far more likely to be where the problem lies rather than any inherent mental instability. In any case, even if it were hypomania it is very often not treated with anything more than advice on lifestyle changes unless it deteriorates into serious depression, psychosis or bipolar disorder.
I think she may need you. If she has slept with anyone else, which I doubt, then I'm sure it would have been a one-off - and, after all, you had broken up with her.
And, reading between the lines, I think you may need her. I think she means far more to you than you are admitting to yourself right now. Sure you could forget her, tell her to stop contacting you, and go and find someone else. It would be far simpler. Is that what you want? Is she worth the effort? You are the only one who can decide. We can only ask the questions. You have the answers. Somewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): You have decided to leave this girl, you no longer have any right to tell her what to do. I wish I'd have seen your update before. I would have told you not to talk to her, not to interfer in her business.
She loved you, you left. You did not like her ways and habits. She would not change. She is hurt now and making silly mistakes in her life, which she later regrets.
You sound like you wanna be her friend. Well, this is not possible at the moment. Your her ex boyfriend, you left her and she probably cries all the time and has sex to forget about your rejection and make her feel better.
If you want to be a friend, then leave her alone. Do not contact her. Wait until she contacts you. Tell her that you want to be her friend, but you do not ever want to be in a romantic relationship with her ever again. Make it very clear to her that freindship is all you can offer. As Collaroy has told you, you gotta leave her alone and give her time to heal. Being in touch with you is making things worse for her.
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A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (20 May 2008):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to my ex about it this morning. First she said I'm not going to talk to you about my life, then she said that she made it all up. As I felt that she might have, but still you never know what someone is capable of, especially if you've suspected them of having a mild mental illness.
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A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (20 May 2008):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been thinking about this non-stop since yesterday and I think what's bothering me the most is the disappointment in who she turns out to be. Because I have this image of her in my head built upon her telling me she'd never do something like that to her completely shattering how I look at her. This kinda makes me think that all that stuff she recites to me regularly about "your body being your most precious gift" and "that's why you should be careful who you have sex with" (referring to pregnancy, etc) was just moralistic B.S. to make herself sound High-minded and principled. I used to see her through rose colored glasses until she treated me so badly I had to break up with her. And even though I don't agree with much of what she does (alcoholism, drugs, etc) but I've always sort of had this respect for her integrity on certain matters, such as sex. However, because of this I feel like the foundation of how I see her has crumbled. I'm not extraordinarily heartbroken, just supremely disappointed in her choices. Personally, I wouldn't feel so hurt/disheartened about it had it been with someone she loves and who loves her. I read a heading on her facebook that she is regretting what happened last nite. I suppose she could be referring to what happened with this guy. Who knows, I think I might talk to her about it today. So I can have some emotional closure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): You probably had very strong feelings for her, and to some extent feel a little possessive because she was your first sexual partner. Even when we make the decision to leave a relationship, it can take some time to totally seperate emotionally.
You choose to leave her and you feel you did it for good reasons, it's natural to feel jealous when you find out that she has accepted your decision and decided to move on. The girl sounds like she's hurting very badly and acting out of character. Please go very gently on her. Your probably sad because you don't like what she's doing to herself and a little guilty because you feel it may be your fault. Please do nothing about this, do not act on any feelings you have about her at the moment. Wait untill your mind clears.
This may not be an indication that you want to be with her, just a memory of what could have been. She needs time to heal and you need to be clear (if you so decide) that there is no chance of you returning to this relationship and let her get on with her life. Do not give her false hopes, it's not fair.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 It hurts because by keeping in constant contact with her you have not allowed the emotional bond to dissipate.
You need to stop talking and messaging this girl if she is a bit loopy.
find some new friends .
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