A
female
age
51-59,
*eth808
writes:Hi there, I recently had suspicions that my partner of 8 years may be suffering porn related ed. he was being secretive, defensive and only capable of having sex when he could act out his fantasies(which he didn't share with me). No intimacy remained and my self esteem was plummeting. I ended the relationship, but am furious that he has chosen to ignore me, no apology, explanation. Simply taking a cowards way out and will most definitely try insist I'm crazy! I have proof of his activities so he can't really deny them, but will no doubt blame me. Any advice?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Yeah leave your ex alone and let him think what he wants to think. The relationship is now over and he is free to do as he pleases as are you. Drop all contact and start getting over him.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 March 2017):
 You ended the relationship, which in this case for you is a double-edged sword. You two are no longer together, so he doesn't have to answer to you anymore about anything that happened, and you've ended it. You should have done the talking and looked for the explanation and/or apology BEFORE breaking up with him, because what he's doing now is what you should now be doing, and that is - you should cut off ALL contact and act like the guy is now dead to you. Otherwise, did you break up with him? Or are you trying to punish him? Trust me, breaking up is a nuclear event, and it should be the FINAL, and I do mean F-I-N-A-L act of killing the relationship stone dead.
What you did is like stabbing a person in the face dead, and then asking this person you stabbed to talk to you. That would be absurd, right? If you wanted to talk to someone, you shouldn't have stabbed them! That makes sense!
Well, you stabbed the relationship stone cold dead, so trying to get an explanation/apology/open dialogue is like killing a guy and then wanting to talk to his corpse. See what I mean?? You TALK first, and THEN made decisions like ending things afterwards, not the other way around.
In your defense, if he was not being intimate with you, and he was both eaten up by a porn addiction AND he didn't want to break out of it to really be intimate with you without it becoming some fetish self-serving issue, then breaking up with him was the right idea! But you don't need anything from him after that. His attachment to porn became a dealbreaker to you, so you broke the deal. Now, break off all contact, and get over him, and find a guy who will treat you much better.
You don't need him to say or do anything. You kicked him to the curb. Why do you need an apology now?? Sometimes, you must be your own closure. You now have your freedom from his treatment of you, and he now gets his fetish porn. Don't let your ego keep you tied to him, because that's what is happening now. It's your ego that demands the apology, the explanation, it wants him to see the error of his ways and vindicate your hurt feelings by begging you to take him back. He's not doing it, which makes me wonder if he was mistreating you on purpose BECAUSE he wanted to break up with you, but wanted to make you the bad guy.
So cut him off. Stop looking for an apology, and stop dwelling on him. MOVE ON from him, because life is too short to waste on this sort of thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2017):
 He is now your ex, correct?
So LET IT GO. If you know in your heart that YOU are right with this issue, who care WHAT he thinks? He is an ex and should be moved into the past.
And you have to accept that while you might WANT an apology or explanation - you aren't OWED one and HE isn't going to GIVE you one.
IF he wasn't "man" enough to admit he was wrong WHILE you dated, he isn't going to admit it now.
As you LET him go, let this go. It's only making YOU miserable and angry - angry won't help you move forward.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 March 2017):
 You can't force a person to feel a certain way. It's better that you just realized you were in a relationship that didn't acknowledge your needs and move forward. Focus on yourself and becoming stronger without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Most men completely refuse to accept that porn hurts many women even if their wives or girlfriend explicitly tells them it does. I spent 18 months in marriage counselling until my counsellor finally told me I would need to accept that my husband would always invalidate my hurt over porn. In the end I left and now know I made the right decision for me.
Some women may be fine with it and that's their choice but for those of us that find it hurtful and degrading we need to set the limits on what we are prepared to tolerate . Especially in a world where so many men seem to think that because THEY think it's no big deal then they don't need to be honest about it , even when we are very clear from the start we don't want a relationship with a porn user
It doesn't really matter if you ex accepts this or not . The important thing is YOU and that you made the right choices around the type of man and relationship you want in your life . I would encourage you to keep your standards high . There are men who won't participate and consume from an industry that supports child abuse and sex slavery . There is no way on earth consumers of porn can GARANTEE ever girl they consume is of legal age. Many men do care about this and won't support this industry any longer . Just because your ex didn't and doesn't care it does not matter one bit
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): "Any advice?"
Let it go and move on.
You broke up with him. He took you at your word. He is under no obligation to admit to or apologize for his alleged behavior, and as you said he'd deny it and throw it back on your face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Was his interest in porn something that only recently developed, or did he always watch it (at least occasionally)?
"he was being secretive, defensive and only capable of having sex when he could act out his fantasies(which he didn't share with me)"
-- If he didn't share what his fantasies were with you, how is it possible that you acted them out? (Just confused here).
"I have proof of his activities" ...What activities? That he has watched porn? Or that he has watched it constantly?
My advice is that it doesn't really matter how he sees it. Many men do not understand how damaging and destructive porn use is to a relationship. They even will refuse to believe it is the reason you are dumping them, and think it is an excuse. That is because these men don't see it as something seriously hurtful, they just see it as "a little fun" they are entitled to. But I am with you, porn is destructive and if you don't want it in a relationship put your foot down.
I think that if he was unwilling to give up porn and look into options to help his E.D. you are right to break this off. How frequently did his issues with E.D. crop up?
If he doesn't understand how damaging the porn is, direct him to websites that explain. Or tell him that he might never understand but that that is the reason whether he believes you or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): If the relationship is ended why do you care?
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