A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I have nowhere else to get advice on this one. My mom passed on in 2015 survived by 8 kids So far and our dad. Since then, our family has fallen apart. Firstly, my dad is ill with prostate cancer and despite two operations now, he is not getting better. He is living in our original home with our youngest sister and niece. The rest of the siblings and myself have married and live 2 to 3 hours away. The problem is that these girls do nothing but drink all day and night, 24 seven. They don't cook or clean anything and most of the time, dad has no one to cook for him. The house has deteriorated and his condition has gone worse with it. So far because of his pride, he has refused any suggestions to hire help for him or have him move to a smaller house so that the large one can be worked on. It's like he has give up. All he talks about is what he wants to do before he dies. His hospital appointments are kept secret and whenever I call him, he fakes better health so that we don't visit. What can we do now? Any clarifications, please ask. Just desperate for options. People think we have abandoned our father when he refuses to let us help!!!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 honestly he shouldn't have to fake good health so you don't visit, you should visit anyway. I understand you have your own life but your father sounds like he doesn't have much time left so you should use this precious time to make sure he is comfortable and taken care off. Their are eight off you and their is only one at home drinking away. Therefore I feel the other seven off you should step up and get this situation under control.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 March 2017):
 Is it at all possible for you to move in, for a while at least? Some times people do want help they just dont know how to ask or feel like doing so makes them a burden. Deep down he may want help. I'm not at all familiar with the health system in your country but are there services that can come to his home and do a quick bit of house work and cook a few meals every now and then? Either way I would be having a serious talk with your sister and niece if their behaviour is the way you posted. Good luck with things
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (12 March 2017):
Is it at all possible for you to move in, for a while at least?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): It sounds like you are doing your best in a difficult situation.You can encourage but cannot force him to different living conditions (unless he is deemed by a professional to be unable to make decisions for himself, in which case whoever has power of attorney will decide if he goes into a care-home). You also have tried your best to encourage him to hire a cook, but if he does not want to that is all you can do. He might be faking better health so that you don't worry, NOT so that you don't visit. He may still very much want you to come and see him. I encourage you to visit him whether or not it seems like he wants you there. He may be embarrassed over his illness, but if you just visit anyway he will get used to you coming and will learn to enjoy it (and think less about the embarrassment). What you can also try to do is have a stern talking to with your sister an niece. Explain to them that things have changed now that your father is sick, they have to grow up and become responsible-- cut out the day drinking and get their habits under control. IF they don't smarten up they will miss the opportunity to take care of their dying father. You could even encourage them to see a counsellor, or perhaps you could get your dad to agree to hire a housekeeper if you pretend it is for the girls (not so much for him). Those are just some ideas.
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