A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,This situation involves an ex boyfriend; We were together for just short of a year and he apparently fell out of love with me and suddenly dumped me over a phone call. He did not treat me well during the relationship; in fact, he was incredibly cruel and neglected me severely. He was also unfaithful behind my back and threatened, taunted and mocked me after we broke up. I loved him very dearly and it was incredibly difficult coping with these behaviours; eventually my mother got fed up and had it out with him.It has now been a year since we have broken up. My ex boyfriend calls at least once a week, and appears to take interest in my life, yet he is adamant that he does not want to see me or get back together because he hates my mother.I know that he has also lost all his friends, rarely goes out and is incredibly lonely and depressed. What I therefore need advice about, is why he is calling me? is it because he genuinely misses me or cares? or is he using me as a security blanket to talk to him when no one else will? I am getting fed up with all of these mixed signals. Help!
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broke up, depressed, get back together, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): As others have suggested, you could change your number and never speak to him again... OR...Set your own darn boundaries! You've broken up. How do you interpret his signals?!? Ask yourself this: what is your relationship with this person? If he's still one that breaks your heart, or one that got away, or you still feel hurt just hearing his name and remember how he treated you... then you don't need to figure out how to have him stop calling, you need to figure out how to stop picking up.If, though, you are SO over it, and are a strong woman who is balanced and adjusted, and just doesn't get what this guy wants - take it at face value. Set boundaries, talk to another human being, and share in the experience of life, and comfort each other if you can be friends, but draw the line. You have a few choices here.A) You don't want to speak to him. When he calls, say "I don't want to speak to you. Please don't call again."B) You don't mind speaking to him, but don't want to hear all of his problems. Then you say "Look, it's been fine catching up, and I'm glad you called, but I think you're a big boy and should handle this on your own."C) You still carry a flame, against all advice and judgement. You say "I know what you said, and I know it's a bad idea, but why don't you quit calling me, and just come on over".
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 He likes to keep tabs on you and actually inadvertently hold you back from moving on. Because HE can't move on with life he wants you to not move on either.
I agree with change your number. I would tell him to stop calling as well.
It's all about him.... no wonder he lost his friends too. He sounds pretty selfish honestly.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Everyone else has already nailed it on the head, but it always helps to have more responses to encourage and give insight and to know you're not alone or the only one who's dealt with this. My (recent) ex had 2 good friends who were also both his exes. He tried to collect girls to feed his need for female attention. He always said if we broke up he couldn't lose me as a friend. No. If he didn't love me enough as his girlfriend, how would he treat me as just a friend? To top it off, he once told me I was one of the very few people in his life who would "put up with" or "tolerate" him. I did because I truly loved him. He did not love me. Oh, he needed me, but only to give him some affirmation in his lonely miserable existence. People who behave like this are damaged beyond what you or I can fix, no matter how much we love them. And in your case he needs "someone" to fill that lonely void but still talks mean and hurtful to you! These guys need to learn that if they don't change, they will be alone forever. It's their own fault for pushing away those who try to get close. They need help. But for you to heal & move on you need to cut all-and I mean ALL- contact. It's too bad he needs you. He HAD you. He abused that privilege and you deserve better than to endure his continuing abuse. Be strong. Message me if you need more encouragement.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Change you number. Your too good for this type of destructive behavior.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2012):
 you are his security blanket... the default setting...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 He calls you because he lost all of his friends, rarely goes out and is incredibly lonely and depressed.
In other words, nobody will put up with him, but you.
Why then you are staying friends , and hopeful for more, with someone who has been cruel, neglectful, has cheated on you, has threatened you and mocked you , hates your mother ...basically has wronged you in any possible way except hitting you with a baseball bat... that's one of those Dear Cupid's mysteries that this Aunt will always feel incapable to solve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): It sounds like you are analyzing his behavior and his feelings rather than asking yourself if he's worth keeping around to in the first place.
In my early 20s, I also dated someone who wasn't a great partner. It lasted a couple months but it shouldn't have gotten past the 2nd date. Why did I waste 6 months following him around, worrying about his feelings when he didn't worry about mine, and secretly hoping he would eventually learn to care for me?
Because I would have found it in incredibly humiliating to confess to myself that he didn't care. I wanted to believe so badly that he did care, I would put up with his treatment. And the longer you've been mistreated, the more incentive you have for not wanting to admit that all your efforts have been useless. My narcissism, not love, kept me in that relationship....I have the feeling you're in the same situation.
My opinion is that this guy doesn't care for you at all. And I think you would do well, hard as it is, to face this fact now and stop wasting your time with him. He might be lonely and depressed, but he doesn't call you to feel better. He calls you because he's probably vaguely comforted by the fact that he's making you feel just as badly as he's feeling when he says he hates your mother. Why is he calling you?
Because he knows you will pick up the phone and will tolerate him.
Have you noticed that you probably also feel lonely and depressed around him? Have you ever asked yourself if you deserve more than this? Are your worrying about his problems so you don't have to worry about yours? Take responsibility for yourself, don't contact him, don't answer his calls, and you'll feel a lot better about this situation. I think you'll find when you don't have to deal with the drama of his mixed signals, you'll feel a lot better about the situation. There are other ways to entertain yourself.
Good luck.
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