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female
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anonymous
writes: Ok my ex was VERY controlling. He made me tell him everything i had done in the past with people sexually and what i thought or talked about with people. This was when I didn't even know him so why he wanted to know, i don't know! Now that i have a new boyfriend, he doesn't care what I have done in the past. He says "what's done is done" but I can't stop thinking i need to tell him things ONLY because my ex made me. I guess no one really understands unless they went through it. My new boyfriend is an amazing guy and i know i don't have to tell him anything but i can't stop thinking i need to because of my ex and i want to get over this and stop feeling like i need to, so how do i do that? THANKS!
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (27 June 2006):
 Hey there,
I'm so sorry that this bad past experience has left you feeling like this. I hate that people can think they can control us like this aye! What a horrible man your ex turned out to be and a big congrats to you for getting out and finding a man who is amazing.
I am a big believer in completely honesty ( I know, sometimes harder said than done) so I would recommend having a big, open talk with your BF about how you're feeling. Tell him what you ex was like, how he made you feel, what he made you do etc and let him know that you are having a little trouble making the transition from this horrible, controlling fella to an easy-going, relaxed, free-spirited man like your current BF.
If you let him know what is going on in your head then he can hopefully help you get past this or at least understand why sometimes you tell him random, little things about where you've been, who you've talked to, and he can help to recognise that you are telling him things you don't have to, and you can slowly change the pattern you have gotten yourself into.
Work together on this and relish in the fact that you have found someone who is as great as this! xxx
A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (27 June 2006):
Be very careful not to ruin your relationship by telling your boyfriend things that he doesn’t want to know. It is by all means not helpful to know about your partner’s ugly past. In my relationship, I enjoyed being with my girlfriend but once I learned that she had slept with more men than I wanted to know and that she had had a one night stand, loving her became a challenge. This was a challenge that I struggled with and overcame it after a lot of pain. In my opinion, there was no advantage to knowing her past. All it did was bring pain to my relationship that I quite frankly wish I had never had to deal with.
So if your boyfriend does not care about your past, just thank GOD because most men would (just like your ex did) and they would also use your past against you.
To appreciate your boyfriend’s attitude a lot more, you need to read the articles also posted here in cupid about men who are struggling with their wife’s/girlfriend’s past. Click on the link below (or copy it and paste it in the address bar) and you will thank me; I promise.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
Now, before I end this message, let me complement you on your honesty and your willingness to bring the truth about yourself out on the open for the men that you love. Most women would have chosen to lie but you have chosen to be honest. On that note, let me say that you really rock!
Let me know what you think,
Happylife
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A
female
reader, Shimmer +, writes (27 June 2006):
You don't need to tell him anything. What you did in your past is your business. All that matters is who you are with now. Few people really like finding out about their partners sexual past. If he asks then maybe tell him, but since he hasn't, why tell him? Just because your ex made you tell him doesn't mean you need to tell your boyfriend. He doesn't want to know and telling him would serve no good purpose.I guess I was like your ex. I always wanted to know about my boyfriend's pasts because I was insecure and I wanted reassurance that I was better and that they liked me more. The more I found out, the more insecure I got. But I kept wanting to know more and more. I constantly compared myself to their exes and tried to compete with them. I ended up driving one guy away because of it. I definitley won't make that mistake again. I don't think any good comes in knowing the details of your partners past relationships. I really don't see why anyone needs to know. Don't feel you need to tell this guy anything just because your ex made you. He may say "what's done is done" but if you told him I almost guarantee you it would bother him. Nobody likes to think about the one they love being with somebody else. Your bf is smart for not wanting to know. Concentrate on your relationship with him now and forget about what happened in the past. You sound like you have a wonderful guy, so enjoy your time with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): You get two kinds of people in the world. Those that want to talk about their past and their partners past and those who don't.
So many relationships break up because a person of one type meets the other and can't appreciate that both ways of thinking are right yet incompatible together.
Not all people want to talk about the sexual past for good reasons though; your ex might have demanded you tell him your past because he was insecure. What you told him probably made him worse, didn't it?
I'm glad to hear you've met someone who is more like you, and as for whether or not you should tell him your past, can you not instead tell him about what your ex made you do? e.g. you could tell him exactly what you have told us. I think your amazing guy will be able to make you feel much better about it all!
Good luck with it all :)
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A
male
reader, bribri5 +, writes (26 June 2006):
hey there
listen your ex sounds like he was extremly controling ive been there my ex made me tel him everything and controled everything i done and says iam now with a brill bf and he doesnt care about past things, you need to concentrate n your future and forget about your past your current bf sounds like the right type of guy listen to him whots done is done and take everyday as a new day and youll have a great relationship dont allow your ex to ruin it as the more you think about what you should do because of your ex your giving your ex the power he had over you even thou he has nothing to do with your anymore youll be fine and good luck xx
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